Old and New Jokes

For 3 years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn.

The last time hed finally managed an affair with the innkeepers daughter.

Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

Helen, why didnt you write when you learned you were pregnant? he cried. I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!

Well, she said, when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin and talkin and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.

Un hombre que había estado preso durante 15 años finalmente sale de prisión y su mujer lo va a recibir. El hombre la ve y se avalanza sobre ella, y le dice, mi amor después de tanto tiempo me muero de ganas de cogerte, y sin esperar llegar a casa se la lleva tras unos arbustos y empiezan la faena, sin darse cuenta de que estaban sobre la vía del tren.

En eso el tren aparece a lo lejos y el maquinista toca la sirena para avisar, y la pareja que seguía y no se movía de la vía. El maquinista sigue tocando la sirena y la pareja igual seguían gritando y gimiendo, hasta que no le queda otra cosa al maquinista que frenar y el tren para justo delante de ellos.

El maquinista se baja furioso y les reclama: Oigan, ¿ustedes están locos? ¿no se dan cuenta que los he podido matar? ¿Cómo se les ocurre hacer el amor en plena vía del tren?

Y el hombre le responde: Mire señor maquinista, ¡Yo que me venía, ella que se venía, el tren que se venía… yo que me venía, ella que se venía, el tren que se venía…! ¡Que pare el que tiene frenos!

A blond had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.



My God! the trooper gasped. Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK maam?



Yes officer, Im just fine! the blond chirped.



Well, how in the world did this happen? the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.



Officer, it was the strangest thing! the blond began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was…



Uh, maam, the officer said, cutting her off, There isnt a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth.

Guy goes into a bar. Big guy, but his head is the size of an orange.

Goes up to the bartender, orders a beer. Bartender serves him and asks why a big guy like him has such a small head.



So the guy tells him his story: He was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a genie lantern. Out comes this beautiful, beautiful genie who says, Ill grant you one wish . . . but i wont sleep with you.



Guy says, Ok then, how bout a little head?

A Japanese guy is at Los Angeles International Airport, waiting for his flight back home to Japan. While hes waiting, he goes to the currency exchange counter to change his remaining dollars.

He counts his money at the counter. Wait a minute, he says to the clerk, When I came here I got more dollars for my yen. Whats going on here?



Fluctuations. says the clerk.



The Japanese man stiffens. Well! Fluck you Americans, too!

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I have seven, but one which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.

I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?

Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited by the clergy regularly.

I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?

I am glad to report that my husband who was missing is dead.

This is my ninth child. What are you going to do about it?

Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with cant eat or do anything until he knows for sure.

I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is as dirty lie, as I was married a week before he was born.

In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing ten pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of which is a mistake as you can see.

My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I havent had any relief since. What are you going to do about it?

Unless I get my husbands money pretty soon I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

You have changed my little boy to a little girl. Will this make any difference.

I have no children yet as my husband is a truck driver and works day and night.

In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

I want my money as quick as I can get it. Ive been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesnt do me any good. If things do not improve, I will have to send for another doctor.

Now it seems Clinton and co-President Hillary are concerned that theyre gonna have to leave Washington DC when their terms over.

Theyre trying to organize the Mother of all Fund Raisers to see if they can purchase Washington DC outright, so they can stay on.

There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermellon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.

He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day, the kids show up and they saw the sign which read: Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide.

The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmers sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons are missing, but the sign next to his read: Now there are two!!!

Two Redneck hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting.

They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bulls. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up.

They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected. He said, The plane can take out only four of your elk. You will have to leave two behind.

One of the hunters pushed forward, Hey, last year our pilot let us take out six elk. It was the same model plane, same weather conditions, and everything. Whats with this? We want you to allow us to fly out just like last year.

Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six elk aboard and the men all climbed in with their gear. But when they attempted to take off and fly out of the valley, the little plane could not make it. They crashed in the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one Redneck said to the other, Do you know where we are?

I think so, replied the other Redneck. Yep! I think this is about 150 yards further along than where we crashed last year!

A doctor at an insane asylum, decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.

As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, Up nuts! And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, Down Nuts! And they all sat.

After a home run he yelled, Cheer nuts! And they all broke into applause and cheers.

Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.

The assistant replied, Everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, PEANUTS!