Old and New Jokes

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Two men go moose hunting in Canada. They hire an airplane to drop them off in a remote region. The pilot drops them off and tells them: Ill be back in one week. No more than one moose – got it?
One week passes, and the pilot returns. The hunters have two moose. The pilot says: Hey, I told you guys no more than one moose.
One of the hunters replies: Look the pilot told us the same thing last year and we gave him a *big* tip to take both moose out.
The three of them argue for several minutes more. After the hunters offer him a large bonus, the pilot gives in and agrees to take both moose.
Well, they load up the moose and fire up the plane. The plane shudders and strains trying to take off. It finally gets the wheels off the ground 5 feet, 10 feet…. Whoops! It runs out of runway and smashes into a tree.
The two hunters, dazed and confused make there way out of the wreckage. One hunter looks at the other and says: Where the Hell are we?
The other looks around and replies: About 100 yards further than we got last year!

Marketing is a foreign language unto itself:

GM cars: Originally sold in Belgium using the slogan, Body by Fisher, which translated as Corpse by Fisher.

The Jotter: A pen made by Parker. In some Latin countries, jotter is slang for jockstrap.

Puffs tissues: In Germany, puff is slang for whorehouse.

Cue toothpaste: Marketed in France by Colgate-Palmolive until they learned that Cue is also the name of a popular pornographic magazine.

Schweppes Tonic Water: The company changed the name from Schweppes Tonic Water to Schweppes Tonica when they learned that in Italian, il water means the bathroom.

The Ford Caliente: Marketed in Mexico, until Ford found out caliente is slang for streetwalker. Ford changed the name to S-22.

The Rolls-Royce Silver Myst: In German, mist means human waste. (Clairols Mist Stick curling iron had the same problem.)

Laying pipe: When the Sumitomo Corporation in Japan developed an extremely strong steel pipe, they hired a Japanese advertising agency to market it in the United States.

Big mistake: The agency named the pipe Sumitomo High Toughness and launched a major magazine advertising campaign using the products initials–SHT–in catchy slogans like SHT–from Sumitomo, and Now, Sumitomo brings SHT to the United States. Each ad ended with the assurance that SHT was made to match its name.

The Big Mac: Originally sold in France under the name Gros Mec. The expression means big pimp in French.

an english man an irish man and a jewish man decide they want to become police men so the english man goes into the police station and says i want to be a copper, so the police man says ok as long as you can say who killed jesus and the english man says pontious pilate. the copper says right ur in. the irish man does the same. thenthe jewish man goes in and says i want to be a copper, so the police man says right who killed jesus and the jewish man says i dont know, so the police man says go away and find out and then come back. the jewish man then goes to see the english man n the irish man and says i must be good me they have put me on a murder case.

Seen at a local auto mechanics shop:

SHOP RATES

Basic labor rate $40 / hour
If you wait . . . $60 / hour
If you watch . . $80 / hour
If you help . . .$100 / hour
If you laugh . .$140 / hour

There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers.

A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.

I have only one condition, he said. At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint.

The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.

The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. He was an evil man, he said. He cheated on his wife and abused his family. After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with, But, compared to his brother, he was a saint.

On an airplane trip, I sat next to a woman and her five-year-old grandson. When I mentioned that I was a teacher, she proceeded to ask him to count backward. He rattled off 20, 19, 18, 17…

That was wonderful, I said. Did you learn that in school?

No, he answered. From the microwave.

Her boyfriend charged her with practicing license without a medicine.

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. You´re running around with other women, she told her mate.

Eve, honey, you´re being unreasonable, Adam responded. You know you´re the only woman on earth. The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in his side. It was Eve poking him about the torso.

What do you think you´re doing? Adam demanded.

Counting your ribs, said Eve.

Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the captain: Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean

The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but were somewhat comforted by the captains next announcement.

Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers are on the right side of the plane

After this announcement all the pasengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captains request. Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean.

The captain once again made an annoucement: Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane. For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane… THANK YOU FOR FLYING LUFTHANSA!