Old and New Jokes

Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, Someone should go and tell his wife.

Bill says, OK, Im pretty good at that sensitive stuff, Ill do it. 2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack.

Charlie says, Where did you get that, Bill? Steves wife gave it to me.

Thats unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?

Bill says,Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, You must be Steves widow.

She said, No, Im not a widow.

And I said, Wanna bet me a six-pack?

A Sailor is sitting at a bar one night and is chatting it up with a beautiful blonde. After some drinks she starts to cry and tell him the sad story that she is Polish and misses home terribly but cant afford to buy a ticket to go home.

The sailor tells her his profession and makes a deal with her.

Ill hide you away on my ship on one condition.

You have to have sex with me when I ask.

She hugs him, crys and agrees. So late that night they sneak on to his ship and he hides her in a big life boat with a canvas cover. He tells her hell bring her food and water and shell just have to stay hidden because shell be in big trouble if shes caught.

So for the next three weeks he brings her rations every day and sleeps with her every night.

Finally one day the captain is strolling on deck, sees something suspicious and lifts the cover discovering the girl. He yells STOWAWAY!

Scared she explains: Dont be mad at me sir. One of your sailors stowed me away to take me home to Poland, and is having sex with me for payment!

No kidding? Lady… this is the Staten Island Ferry!

Un tipo se sube al tren nocturno que va a la ciudad de Chillán, en Chile. Antes de iniciar el viaje se dirige al conductor y le solicita que lo despierte en dicha estación, advirtiéndole, eso sí, que después de dormir se ponía bastante porfiado y seguramente se iba a oponer a que lo bajaran, pero que contaban con su autorización para ponerse enérgicos y obligarlo a descender.

Cuando ya se hubo retirado el conductor, el viajero se percató que a su lado se había sentado una señora con dos niños, lo que le impediría dormir, así que se cambió de asiento. Pasaron las horas y ya de mañana constata que se encontraba en Puerto Montt, una ciudad distante casi 200 kilómetros de Chillán. Indignado, se dirige al conductor y le espeta:

¡Imbécil, no te dije que me despertaras en Chillán! ¡¿No recuerdas que te dije que era porfiado y que tenías que despertarme en esa ciudad?!

¡Qué vas a ser porfiado tú! ¡El que bajamos en Chillán… Ese sí que era porfiado!, responde conductor.

En la Ciudad de México un tipo es llevado a la Delegación por haber derribado un árbol mientras manejaba bien borracho.

Quince días de cárcel y 10,000 pesos de multa, dice el juez.

Pero señor juez, dice el borracho, ni que hubiera yo tumbado el árbol de la noche triste donde lloró Colón, cuando lo vencieron los Aztecas.

Y le responde el juez:

¡Ah, cómo será usted pendejo! ¡Colón no lloró ni cuando le quemaron los pies!

Last name: _________________

First name:

(Check appropriate box)

[_] billy bob [_] Bobby-Sue

[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo

[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann

[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee

[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen

[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue



Age: ______ (if unsure, guess)



Sex: _____M_____F_____Not sure



Shoe Size: _____Left_____Right



Occupation:

[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic

[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress

[_] Unemployed [_] Dirty Politician



Spouses Name_________________________

2nd Spouses Name: _________________

3rd Spouses Name: _________________



Lovers Name: ________________________

2nd Lovers Name: ___________________



Relationship to spouse:

[_] Sister [_] Aunt

[_] Brother [_] Uncle

[_] Mother [_] Son

[_] Father [_] Daughter

[_] Cousin [_] Pet



Number of children living in household: _____

Number of children living in shed: _____

Number that are yours: _____



Mothers Name: ___________________

Fathers Name: ___________________ (If not sure, leave blank)



Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)



Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

___ Total number of vehicles that you own

___ Number of vehicles that still crank

___ Number of vehicles in front yard

___ Number of vehicles in back yard

___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks



Where your firearms are kept:

[_] truck [_] kitchen

[_] bedroom [_] bathroom

[_] shed



Model and year of your pickup: _______ 194_



Do you have a gun rack?

[_] Yes [_] No; if no, please explain:

_____________________



Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

[_] National Enquirer [_] The Globe

[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest

[_] Rifle and Shotgun



___ Number of times youve seen a UFO

___ Number of times youve seen Elvis

___ Number of times youve seen Elvis in a UFO



How often do you bathe:

[_] Weekly

[_] Monthly

[_] Not applicable



Color of teeth:

[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow

[_] Brown [_] Black

[_] N/A

How many?_____



Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: [_] Red-Man



How far is your home from a paved road?

[_] 200-400 miles

[_] over 400 miles

[_] whats a miles?

Push, Pull or Get Outta the Way.

*The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

* The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue, Boston, Massachusetts) is the only place in the world where a boat can sail under a train driving under a car driving under an airplane.

* Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.

* Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

* David Prowse, was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke all of Vaders lines, and didnt know that he was going to be dubbed over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie.

* Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.

* In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

* Barbies measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.

* February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

* Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonalds.

* The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.

* No word in the English language rhymes with month.

* The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

* There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

* Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book in every Dewey-decimal category.

* Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New York City, after the Catholic Church.

* Cats urine glows under a black light.

* Back in the mid to late 80s, an IBM compatible computer wasnt considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run Microsofts Flight Simulator.

* The first Ford cars had Dodge engines.

* Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

* It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook macaroni, and about a gallon to clean the pot.

* In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

* Babies are born without knee caps. They dont appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.

* The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.

* Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously

* If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.

* The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

* Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

* No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl

* The first toilet ever seen on television was on Leave It To Beaver.

* In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was burnt down but only 6 people were injured

* Lincoln Logs were invented by Frank Lloyd Wrights son.

* One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today because cotton growers in the 30s lobbied against hemp farmers –they saw it as competition. It is not chemically addictive as is nicotine, alcohol, or caffeine.

* The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game.

* Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older

* The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan

(Hairdresser) – I havent seen you for ages.

(They mean) – Youve been going to another hairdresser.

(Hairdresser) – Its got long hasnt it?

(They mean) – Im on fairly safe grounds here.

(Hairdresser) – What kind of shampoo are you using?

(They mean) – There must be some explanation for the state of your hair.

(Hairdresser) – I cant afford a holiday this year.

(They mean) – Please remember I rely on tips.

(Hairdresser) – Are you busy at the moment?

(They mean) – I cant remember what you do.

(Hairdresser) – Do you want anything on it?

(They mean) – After what Ive done, I suggest you wear a hat.

Joke found on http://www.huumor.com

There where two snakes talking.

The 1st one said Sidney, are we the type of snakes who wrap ourselves around our prey and squeeze and crush until theyre dead? Or are we the type of snake who ambush our prey and bite them and they are poisioned?.

Then the second Snake says Why do you ask?

The 1st one replies: I just bit my lip!

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, Do you think theres baseball in heaven?

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, I dunno. But lets make a deal: if I die first, Ill come back and tell you if theres baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same.

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, Sol… Sol…

Sol responds, Abe! Is that you?

Yes it is, Sol, whispers Abes ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, So, is there baseball in heaven?

Well, says Abe, Ive got good news and bad news.

Gimme the good news first, says Sol.

Abe says, Well… there is baseball in heaven.

Sol says, Thats great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?

Abe sighs and whispers, Youre pitching on Friday.