Old and New Jokes

Producing a system from a specification is like walking on water; its easier if its frozen.

This pirate had a parrot and all it every said was Polly wanna cracker. One day the parrot was sitting on the pirates shoulder and it kept saying Polly wanna cracker, Polly wanna cracker.

The pirate said, This is your warning. If you dont shut up, Im goin to flush you.

The parrot said, Polly wanna cracker, Polly wannna cracker.

The pirate said, Thats you being flushed. So the pirate flushes the parrot and the parrot sings Floating down the river on a Hershey Bar.

I got this message detailing a first day of class experience from a
friend of a friend. His name is Kevin Stone, and he goes to Clemson
University.

Just a friendly reminder–look for door numbers….

So Im looking for a class in Newman Hall— actually, I was looking
for Newman Hall– and, I thought id found it. no sign– no main
entrance.

So I walk around the building and find what I perceive to be an acutal
door with and actual doorknob. So I opened it.

Inside was a room at least 150×50– maybe half a football field- maybe
more- black concrete- 20ft ceiling.

Two guys in white overcoats.
A cow. Upside-down with hooves pointing into the air.
On some type of cart.

A chainsaw.

They were as embarrased to see me as I was to see them.

Everybody stared at everybody else for about 6 sec. (except the cow,
who was not facing me.) And I shut the door.

Not econ.

I wasnt more than 10ft away from the door when I heard it lock.

I dont know what the hell they were doing, but they seemed to need
privacy.

A teacher in New York City wanted to see how many animals the city kids in her fourth-grade class could identify.

She drew a picture of a cow on the blackboard and said, Who can tell me what this is?

A little girl raised her hand.

Yes, Janie, what do you think it is?

Its a cow, teacher.

Very good, Janie, said the teacher.

Then she drew a picture of a pig, and a little boy answered correctly. She drew several other barnyard animals and was unable to stump the class.

Finally, she decided to try something a little more difficult. She drew a stag with a large spread of antlers. The kids just stared, but nobody offered an answer.

Ill give you a hint, said the teacher. What does your mommy call your daddy when shes trying to be lovey-dovey?

Instantly, little Johnny raised his hand and said, –

ooh, ooh!, I know, Teacher. Its a big horny bastard!

Q: How many jazz purists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: 40. 1 to change the bulb and 39 to complain that its electric.

The first priest says, Weve got to save the boys.
The second priest says, Screw the boys.
The third priest says, Do you think weve got time?

Eran las tres de la mañana, cuando un borracho llega hasta la puerta de su casa. Haciendo gran escándalo este despierta a su mujer que desde el segundo piso se da cuenta que el borracho (su esposo) no podáa entrar.

En eso la mujer le dice al borracho:

Mi amor, aquí te van las llaves.

Y el borracho le contesta:

Mejor tírame el hoyo, que es el que no encuentro.

Man goes to the bar and says bartender, give me 7 shots of Vodka.

The bartender says Ok, but pal you are gonna hurt yourself with that. The man says Just pour them.



The man takes the first shot and the bartender says Hey, you want to talk about it? The man says No! and drinks the next 2 shots.



The bartender says Come on and tell me about it Ive got a good ear, thats why a lot of people come here for, to tell their troubles.



The man by then has finished the 7 shots and says Ok, today was my first blowjob. The bartender says Hey great, have another on the house.



The man says No, if 7 doesnt get the taste out, nothing will!

Worried that his son was spending too much money on dates, a father asked the boy how much his last date had cost.

The son calculated a minute then replied, Oh, about $15 or so, I think.



Well, said the Father, Im proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive evening.



To be honest Dad, the son went on, wed have done more, but that was all the money she had.

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty four.

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her boobs grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what has happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says: Mirror mirror on the door, make my manhood touch the floor!. Again, theres a bright flash and both his legs fall off.