Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? She had mittens.

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product Im referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea.

The man lowered his head and said, Wedding cake.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Ellen Degeneres virusYour IBM suddenly claims its a MAC
Monica Lewinsky virusSuck all the memory out of your computer
Titanic virusMakes your whole computer go down
Disney virusEverything in the computer goes goofy
Mike Tyson virusQuits after one byte
Prozac virusScrews up your RAM but your processor doesnt care
Sharon Stone virusMakes a huge initial impact, then you forget its there
Lorena Bobbit virusTurns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy
Tim Allen virusAppears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact
Woody Allen virusBypasses the motherboard and turn on the a daughter card
Saddam Hussein virusWont let you into any of your programs
Tonya Harding virusTurns your .BAT files into lethal weapons
George Michael virusRuns its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup
Joey Buttafuoco virusOnly attacks minor files
X-files virusAll your Icons start shape-shifting
Spice Girls virusHas no real function, but makes a pretty desktop
Ronald Reagan virusSaves your data, but forgets where it is stored
Dr. Jack Kevorkain virusSearches your hard drive for old files and deletes them
Sony Bono virusJust when you get surfing the web, a firewall appears out of nowhere
Martha Stewart virusTakes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little dollies to be displayed on your desktop
Oprah Winfrey virusYour 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB
AT&T virusEvery 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting
MCI virusEvery 3 minutes it reminds you that youre paying too much for the AT&T virus
Arnold Schwarzenegger virusTerminates and stays resident; Itll be back
Viagra virusTurns your floppy drive into a hard drive

A man walked into a stockbrokers office and said to the receptionist, I just won some money in the lottery, and I want to open an account with your %**!&%! company. Heads turned in shock at hearing the mans language. Im sorry, but we dont allow that kind of talk here, the receptionist said. Youll have to leave. I told you I want to open an account with this %**!&%! company. the man insisted. Suddenly the manager came out. Whats all the swearing about? he asked. I just won $12 million and I want to open an account with your %**!&%! company, the man replied. Oh, I see, said the manager. And these %**!&%! people are giving you a hard time?

Student to God: God, why didnt you stop that tragedy in the Littleton schoool?

God to student: I am not allowed in schools.

After careful consideration and endless debate The Perfect Man has finally been named!

Hes tan!

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Hes cute!

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He knows the importance of accessorizing!

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And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face!

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INTRODUCING…

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MR. POTATO HEAD!

( Good with sour cream and butter too! 🙂

Terrorists blow up a celluloid factory…

No film at 11.

[Ed: Reportedly from a Wizard of Id cartoon.]

19-year-old Rachel is very upset when she calls the police on her mobile phone.

She cries, Help me please. I’m in Golders Green and my car’s been broken into. The thief has stolen the CD player, the steering wheel, the gearshift lever and the pedals. What will I do?

The dispatcher says to her, Stay calm, madam, I’ll ask a police officer to get to you as quickly as possible.

Ten minutes later, the police control centre gets the following message from the police officer, Please disregard the distress call. The lady got in the back-seat of her car by mistake.

Three years ago, after my divorce, I found myself
in the position of having to buy condoms, something
I hadnt had to do for better than twenty years.
The selection was overwhelming, and I asked the
pharmacy clerk for some help.

He extolled the virtues of latex, ribbed, lubricated,
colored, glow in the dark (assuming you cant find
it any other way), Magnum size (no laughing), and more.
At last, as he was running out of breath, I asked
which condom he recommended. He replied The condom
made of lambs intestine has a more natural feel.
I said Not to us city boys.