Old and New Jokes

Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?

A: Pregnant

Squawks are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. (P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION (P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement (S) Almost replaced left inside main tire (P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough (S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft (P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid (S) #2 Propeller seepage normal – #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage (P) Something loose in cockpit (S) Something tightened in cockpit (P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear (S) Evidence removed (P) DME volume unbelievably loud (S) Volume set to more believable level (P) Dead bugs on windshield (S) Live bugs on order (P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent (S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground (P) IFF inoperative (S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (IFF-Identification Friend or Foe) (P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick (S) Thats what theyre there for (P) Number three engine missing (S) Engine found on right wing after brief search (P) Aircraft handles funny (S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious! (P) Target Radar hums (S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car
accident ended their lives. When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he
could arrange for them to get married, saying that it was what they had hoped
for in life, and they still desired wedded union.

He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait.

It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were
married in a simple ceremony.

So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time,
that eternity was best not spent together. They went back to St. Peter, and
said, We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have
irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?

Are you kidding? said St. Peter. It took me a hundred years to get a priest
up here to marry you. I will never get a lawyer!

There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
A 4 years-olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing a superman cape.
It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesnt stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh its already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak — it explodes.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
Duplos will not.
Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
Super glue is forever.
McGyver can teach us many things we dont want to know.
No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still cant walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jello.
VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
Plastic toys do not like ovens.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
It will however make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
Quiet does not necessarily mean dont worry.
A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life
(unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).

Wants & needs (wontz and nedz) n.
female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship.
male: Food, sex and beer.
Thingy (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a cars hood.
male: The strap fastener on a womans bra.

Glass ceiling (glas see-ling) n.
female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business.
male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.
Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up ones self emotionally to another.
male: Playing ball without a cup.
Communication (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with ones partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.
Butt (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes look bigger.
male: The organ of mooning (and farting).
Birthdays & Anniversaries (burth-daze and an-nu-ver-sa-rez)n.
female: A time to reflect on ones life and loves, celebrate with loved ones and exchange gifts.
male: A time to get drunk.
Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with ones girlfriend.
Entertainment (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.
Flatulence (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
Remote control (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 1/2 minutes.
Taste (tayst) v.
female: Something you do frequently to whatever youre cooking, to make sure its good.
male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.

A therapist told a woman to use some imagination while making love with her husband to spice things up.

She replied, You mean imagine that its good?!

A 200 dollar hair cut? What kind of example does that set? With hair like Clintons, two hundred bucks isnt enough to make it look right.

Late Nite Jokes heard on T.V.



There is now a $5 million dollar bounty on Osama bin Laden. Which marks the first time in history there has ever been a bounty on a guys head who wears Bounty on his head.

— Jay Leno



We are starting to learn more about Osama bin Laden. For his birthday one year, somebody gave him a $4 Timex. We know that. He is married to the daughter of a guy named Mullah Muhammed Omar. I think her name is Tiffany Omar. Insiders say that the marriage is not working out. Apparently they are living in separate caves.

— David Letterman



It looks like now the military action is taking effect. They think that bin Ladens organization is starting to break down. Today satellite photos actually show the sand fleas are leaving his beard.

— David Letterman



There are now rumors that the Taliban has been poisoning the food we have been dropping. We should make a deal with the people of Afghanistan. Well taste your food, you check our mail.

— Jay Leno



People are wondering what will happen to Afghanistan when were finished fighting there. Im sure there are plans to rebuild the country, and a lot of times with rebuilding comes a name change. These are some possible name changes the government has been mulling over: Halfghanistan, Pothole-istan, Jenniferanistan, Assbackwardstan, Bye-bye-Talibanstan, Ass-Kicked-istan.

— Jay Leno



Everybody is talking about finding bin Laden. How about finding Dick Cheney? Where did he go? What have we got caves over here now, too? Where did he go? I think his Secret Service code name is Waldo.

— Jay Leno



We are getting more and more insight into the life of Osama bin Laden. Today the Saudi Arabian ambassador to the United States said that bin Laden had an unhappy childhood growing up, 52 brothers and sisters. You think his childhood was unhappy, wait til we deliver his mid-life crisis.

— Jay Leno



There are reports on the news tonight that members of the Taliban feel persecuted and fear their own safety. So now they know what it is like to feel like a woman in their country.

— Jay Leno

34. If your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen Noodles

Unseen when it comes, but visible when it goes.