Old and New Jokes

En medio de una guerra sangrienta, el ejército enemigo toma una ciudad. Al ocuparla, los soldados van recorriéndola de casa en casa y tomando prisioneros. Una patrulla llega entonces a una casa y encuentra dos chicas jóvenes de físico espectacular y, junto a ellas, a una anciana. Uno de los soldados se acerca a las muchachas y les advierte:

Prepárense porque las vamos a violar largamente.

Una de las chicas se arrodilla frente al soldado y le pide:

¡Por favor, con con nosotras hagan lo que quieran, pero respeten a nuestra anciana madre!

La anciana replica enérgicamente:

¡Cállense niñas, la guerra es la guerra!

Boldly going forward because we cannot find reverse.

BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!

Dear yall:

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve your area on Christmas Eve. Because of recent changes in my union contract renegotiated by North American Elves Local 209, I now serve only eastern Canada, certain areas of Wisconsin and the Michigan Upper Peninsula.

However, Im certain that your children will be in good hands with my replacement, my third cousin by my first wife, from the South Pole, Bubba Claus. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls, but there are a few differences between us, such as:

There is no danger of a Grinchs stealing presents from Bubba Claus, who has a gun rack in his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.

Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC and pork skins on the fireplace. And Bubba doesnt smoke a pipe. He does dip a little snuff, though, so please have a spit can handy.

Bubba Claus sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin coon dogs instead of reindeer. I lent him my reindeer one time, and Rudolphs head now rests over Bubbas fireplace.

You wont hear On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen … when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, youll hear, On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Boudreaux. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty.

Ho, ho, ho! has been replaced by Yeehaw! And you also are likely to hear Bubbas elves respond, I heard that!

As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus sleigh does have a bumper sticker for non-traditional vehicles: If you are close enough to read this … you aint gettin no presents!

The usual Christmas movie classics such as Miracle on 34th Street and Ernest Saves Christmas will not be shown in your area. Instead, youll see some really classes movies about Bubba Claus made in the late 1970s. Many feature Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus, Jackie Gleason as a Grinch who says You scumbum! a lot, and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

Bubba Claus doesnt wear a belt. Id turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree. Plumbers cleavage is NOT a pretty sight.

Lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me, including Elvis Here Comes Santa Claus and Madonnas remake of Santa Baby. Until this year, songs about Bubba Claus have been played only on AM radio stations in Mississippi. They include such classics as Mark Chesnutts Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox, David Allan Coes Willie, Waylon, Bubba Claus and Me, and Hank Williams Jr.s If You Dont Like Bubba Claus, You Can Kiss My Icicle.

Sincerely Yours,

Santa

An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

An older woman is into free sex. An older woman is almost always already attached to someone, so theres no need to develop a phobia about committing to her. The last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent man.

Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an jerk if youre acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break up with her.

Older women take charge of the situation. An older woman will call you up and ask you for a date. A younger woman will wait forever, by the phone, for you to call.

An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends (and theyll all want to sleep with you!). A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when shes with you, in case you get any ideas.

Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial for Pizza Hut take-out.

Saint Peter is doing his thing , minding the Gates of Heaven , when he notices that the Gates are getting a bit shabby and shopworn and in need of repair.

He goes outside to the line of people waiting to come in and asks ARE THERE ANY CONTRACTORS HERE?

Three guys step foreward……… A Black Man, an Italian, and a Jew.

Peter asks the three to inspect the Gates and then give a price ,with a breakdown.

First, the Black guy goes over and looks at the Gates. I think $

900.00 should do it he says. That would be $

300. for materials, $

300. for labor , and $300 for me Great ,says Peter

Next the Italian guy inspects the Gates. He takes a long time ,pouring over every bit of what he surveys, then comes back to St. Peter and tells him that These are the most wonderful, beautiful Gates!! They were almost certainly constructed in Italy, probably Florence , in the Renaissance! Pure Works of Art! The price…$3,

000. Ill need $1000 for materials, $1,000 for the finest Italian craftsmen and $1,000 for my profit OK Thanks says Peter and now the Jew.

He quickly surveys the Gates and returns to Peter.

The price is $2,

900… Thats $1,000 for you, $1,000 for me , and we hire the colored guy!

A new bus driver was starting his route. It was a beautiful day, everything was going great – no problems for the first few stops, a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, Big John doesnt pay! and sat down at the back.The next day the same thing happened -Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; whats more, he felt really good about himself.So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, Big John doesnt pay!, the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, And why not?With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, Big John has a bus pass.

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone elses cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk they think you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone elses cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

What do you call a prostitute with no arms or legs?

Cash and carry.

How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly?

When your lawyer doesnt seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore…