Three elderly gents were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now.
I would like my grandchildren to say, He was successful in business, declared the first man.
Fifty years from now, said the second, I want them to say, He was a loyal family man.
Turning to the third gent, he asked, So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?
Me? the third one replied. I want them to say, He certainly looks good for his age.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatal outcome.
Youre a redneck if…
-You have more fingers than you do teeth
-You cut your grass and find a car
-You consider Dennys a Fancy Resturant
-Your best Suit contains more than 5 colors
-Your age is higher than your I.Q.
-Your favorite pickup line is Does this look infected to you?
-You ask your wife weather the spot on your neck is a boil or a mole and she replies Its a gummy bear.
-You have a family reunion and everyone in town shows up.
-You say Watch this everytime before you goto the hospital.
-Your wife and ex-wife are sisters.
A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.
Old Man: Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence?
Look how well its built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands.
Piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Great-Fence-Builder? Nooo..
Then the old man gestured at the bar. Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and polished it is?
I planed that surface down by me own achin back. Carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eighteen days I worked.
But do they call me McGregor-the-Great- Bar-builder? Nooo…
Then the old man points out the window. Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see?
I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board, hands blistered and swollen by the salt.
But do they call me McGregor-the-Great-Pier-Builder? Nooo…
Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. Ya screw one little goat . . .
Two hunters were out in the woods, and they were lost and one said I think were lost
the other one said shoot three times into the air and help will come. So they shot and shot until one said this doesnt seem to be working an dwere almost out of arrows.
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices
a sign out of the corner of his eye… It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without
a second thought… Soon he sees another sign, which says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for
real… Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the
drive… On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a
small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, What may we do for you, my son?
He answers, I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in
possibly doing business.
Very well, my son. Please follow me. He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, Please knock on this door.
He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a
tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, Please place $100 in the
cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this way.
He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself
back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT,
YOU SINNER.
Osama Bush Laden
An elderly couple is vacationing in the West.
Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale
one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into
their hotel room and says to his wife, Notice anything different,
Bessie?
Bessie looks him over, Nope.
Sam says excitedly, Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything
different about me?
Bessie looks again, Nope.
Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back
into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, he asks, a
little louder this time,
Notice anything DIFFERENT?
Bessie looks up and says, Sam, whats different? Its hanging down
today, it was hanging down yesterday, itll be hanging down again
tomorrow.
Furious, Sam! yells, AND DO YOU KNOW WHY ITS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE?
ITS HANGING DOWN BECAUSE ITS LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!
To which Bessie replies, Shoulda bought a hat, Sam…….. Shoulda
bought a hat.
People were confused about which side to spit on .
Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?
Defendant: No, I did not.
Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?
Defendant: Yes, I do. And theyre a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder.