Old and New Jokes

A tourist walks into a pet shop in Silicon Valley, and is browsing round the cages on display. While hes there, another customer walks in and says to the shopkeeper, Ill have a C monkey, please.

The shopkeeper nods, goes over to a cage at the side of the shop and takes out a monkey. He fits a collar and leash and hands it to the customer, saying Thatll be $5,000. The customer pays and walks out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist goes over to the shopkeeper and says, That was a very expensive monkey – most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?

Oh, says the shopkeeper, that monkey can program in C with very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.

The tourist starts to look at the monkeys in the cage. He says to the shopkeeper, That ones even more expensive, $10,000! What does it do?

Oh, says the shopkeeper, that ones a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java, all the really useful stuff.

The tourist looks round for a little longer and sees a third monkey in a cage on its own. The price tag round its neck says $50,000. He gasps to the shopkeeper, That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?

Well, says the shopkeeper, I dont know if it does anything, but it says its a Consultant.

What do you get when you cross a bear with a deer?

Beer

About a month ago, a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic.""Well," answered the priest, "thats not a sin.""But I made him agree to pay me 20 Guilders for every week he stayed.""I admit that wasnt good, but you did it for a good cause.""Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question…""What is that, my son?""Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

Girl Lingo:

The Franklin Factor: Early to bed and early to rise means its time to meet more guys.

The Rat Race: If theres one rat in a room full of nice men, hell hit on you first.

The Eyeglass Prescription: Dont wear your glasses on a blind date. Youll look better, and he will too.

The Ring Rule: A watched telephone never rings.

The Creep Call: Never pick up the phone on Saturday night. Its a call from a creep you told you were busy.

The Fishing Forecast: They say there are lots of good fish in the sea. But who wants to go out with a fish?

The Psychological Prognosis: Love is a form of temporary insanity curable by marriage.

The Rope Trick: Give a man enough rope and hell lasso another woman.

Mind Over Matter: No one ever falls in love with another persons mind at a cocktail party.

The Fault Finder: The faster way to discover all your bad habits is to move in with your lover.

The Unintended Result: 1) Mens desire for sex sometimes results in intimacy; 1a) Men often go looking for sex and end up finding love; 2) Womens desire for intimacy often results in sex; 2a) Women often go looking for love and end up finding only sex.

The Rabbit Rule: Only newlyweds and liars make love every day.

The Dangle Doctrine: You cant keep a good man down.

Twains Truth: Familarity breeds children.

The Fertility Factor: Women are only fertile a few days each month, unless theyre single.

The Preparation Predicament: The longer you spend in the bathroom preparing for sex, the more likely hes fallen asleep by the time youre ready.

In recent days, much has been written about the change in our national mood, and how the tragic attacks will affect the entertainment industry.

After consulting with industry leaders, we have taken the initiative and drafted the following guidelines for comedy and for action movies. These rules are effective as of October 1.

COMEDY RULES

Until further notice, all violent humor is to be replaced by sexist humor.

Similarly, all ethnic humor is to be replaced by obesity humor.

Jokes about death are to be replaced by jokes about long-term illness.

Jokes about long-term illness are to be replaced by jokes about minor injury.

Any stand-up comic who does a routine about airplanes is to be accompanied onstage by a federal marshal. (We should have done this years ago.)

No comedy is to be directed at countries with valuable airspace.

From now on, irony can only be deployed when referring to the following:

black flies in Chardonnays
free rides when youve already paid
death row pardons two minutes too late

Dick Cheneys heart condition is off-limits for comedians. However, his imminent liver failure is fair game.

President George W. Bush is off-limits: He could prove to be a strategic ally in our fight against the Taliban.

Comedy about violent Islamic extremists should not impugn all of the innocent violent extremists of other faiths.

WARNING! Comedy = Tragedy + Time. If you tell jokes about the recent tragedies, you will be hurled into the distant future.

Caution: Do not go overboard on cheap sentiment. Robin Williams is still excommunicated from the community of civilized comics. We will not distinguish between Robin Williams and the entertainment executives who harbor him.

UPCOMING ACTION FILMS

Fists of Furry

Eight hours. Two arms. Three teddy bears. Can one man hug them for the entire duration? Yes. Yes he can. Will they continue to provide nightlong comfort in this time of fear and uncertainty? Yes. Yes they will.

Attack of the Cleansing Rainwater

A crack team of large clouds — which bear no resemblance to humans with guns — falls gently on a Missouri hill. Dont worry: This could never happen in real life.

The Call

A covert cell of radical Islamic fundamentalists has been secretly praying for peace around the world. Only one man can answer their calls: the all-knowing and merciful Allah.

Cybil Libertease

Shes a dancer. Shes a stripper. Shes our nations most prized possession. But are we willing to sacrifice her for increased security? I dont know, but she sure can strip!

The Mongoose and the Cobra

The Mongoose and the Cobra are friends. They do not fight. They spoon in bed. They gently chuckle at their differences. When they argue, Mongoose may savagely flash his fangs and Cobra may spray deadly spittle, but eventually everything works out fine.

Hell On Earth

A breathtaking documentary about chocolate ice cream and how amazingly yummy it is.

ALTERATIONS FOR SENSITIVITY

Manhattan

Woody Allens celebrated classic will now contain no images of Manhattan.

The Die Hard trilogy

No skyscrapers, airplanes or bombs shown. Running time of trilogy: four minutes, 19 seconds.

Friends

The character Ross is now left-handed.

Copyright 2001 Modern Humorist, Inc.

These two newfies are building a house. One of them is putting on the siding. He picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another nail, throws it away. Picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another, throws it away. This goes on for a while, and finally his friend comes over and asks him why he is throwing half of the nails away.

He replies, Those ones were pointed on the wrong end. The buddy gets exasperated and says You idiot, those are for the other side of the house!

A blind man went to a lumber yard for a job. The boss didnt want to just tell him no, so he told him that if he could pass a test, hed hire him. He had one of his employees take him out back to identify some lumber. He brought the man to a pile of pine paneling, the man walked around the pile and sniffed, correctly identifying it as pine paneling.

The employee thought, How did he do that? Next he took him to a pile of 2x4s. These he also correctly identified after sniffing around a bit. Now they were all amazed. They decided it was time to trick him. They brought out the receptionist and laid her buck naked on her back. The blind man walked around and sniffed.

Obviously puzzled he walked around and sniffed and walked around and sniffed some more. Scratching his head, he told them to flip it over.

They did so and the sniffing continued. Suddenly he started laughing and said

You think youve got me, dont you? Well I know what that is. Thats the shit house door off of a tuna boat!

Un tipo acude a una taquería mexicana. Al verlo, el taquero le pregunta:

¿De qué quiere su taco?

Deme uno de oreja.

Entonces, el taquero toma un filoso cuchillo y le corta una ojera al parroquiano; la pica, la pone en una tortilla y le consulta:

¿Lo quiere con chile?

¡No, no, no!, dice el parroquiano, bajando las manos y protegiéndose la zona púbica. ¡A mí no me gusta el picante!

You know its your last day at work when …

• You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, Whats this?, you realize you just dropped the companys deposit in a mailbox.

• A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This ones your turn. Your boss was standing behind you. Its his wife.

• While your boss is at lunch, you sneek in and look at some confidential imformation on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.

• You return from a weeks vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week.

• You take a sick day. The next morning the boss asks you, So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?.

• You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. Your underwear is missing. Youre in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party.

There was a woman who wanted to repaint her house, so she called the contractor and set an appointment to meet with him. When the contractor came to her house they did a walk-through and he asked her what colors she would like. They came to the living room and she told him that she would like a nice, warm cream color. The contractor wrote something down on his pad, then walked to the window and yelled, Greenside up. The lady is a little confused, but doesnt say anything, and they continue to the dining room where she tells him, I would like a nice warm white in here, nothing stark. The contractor writes something down on his pad, then walks to the window and again yells, Greenside up! The lady is really confused now but still does not say anything. They continue to her bedroom and she says, I would like a nice, cool, relaxing blue in here. The contractor writes something on his pad and again walks to the window and yells, Greenside up. The woman is now totally perplexed and says to the contractor, Three times I have told you the color that I want, and you write something on your pad, then you walk to the window and yell greenside up. What is going on? The contractor replies, You see, I have four blondes laying sod across the street.