Old and New Jokes

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts.

As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.

After dinner, one thing leads to

another and they end up in her hotel bedroom.

Just as things get hot, the female doc interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back, they go for it.

After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.

As she comes back the male doc says, I bet you are a surgeon.

She confirms, and asks how he knew.

Easy, he said, youre always washing your hands.

Thats very clever! she says, I bet youre an anesthesiologist.

Wow, how did you guess? he asked.

I didnt feel a thing! she replied.

This yuppie had just gotten his first BMW and wanted to show
it off to his friends. So he goes motoring up Broadway, and parks at
his friends apartment. He was so excited that he forgot to look when
he opened the door. Just then, a taxi comes screaming up and neatly
removes the door from the car, along with the guys left arm.

The guy jumps out of his car and starts screaming, My BMW, my
BMW! The taxi driver comes running up, and says, Listen, youre in
shock, your arm was taken off and youre losing a lot of blood.

The yuppie just notices that his arm was ripped off and starts
to yell, My Rolex, my Rolex!!

Raymond C.Caron (The Lizard)

How do you fool a Mexican?

Knock on the trunk and say, Were here Jose.

What college did Michael Jackson attend?

Q: How do you get three little old ladys to say, Fuck!?

A: Have another little old lady shout, Bingo!.

One day a government worker was digging through his office drawers when suddenly he came upon a magic lamp. (Oh, cmon, Im sure theres one buried in your desk too.) Since hed heard these jokes before, he knew that he had to rub the lamp and make the genie come out. So he rubbed the lamp and — oh, surprise — out popped a genie.
The genie asked, as genies will, “What is your first wish?” The government worker thought about it for a second, then replied, “I would like to be rich!” So the genie granted him his wish, and poof the man was surrounded by piles of money rivaling the heaps of even Martha Stewart and Bill Gates. Since the government worker knew the whole wish process, the genie didnt even have to ask for number two before he said, “My second wish is to be on an island with beautiful women surrounding me and obeying my every command!” And poof, he was there. Then the government worker — or, as I like to call him, civil servant — decided on his third wish, “I dont want to do any work ever again!” and poof — ubiquitous ironic twist — he was back in his office.

An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat.

As the bus shakes and rattles, the old mans cane slips on the floor and he falls down.

As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldnt slip.

The old man snaps back, Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today!

The following is from a 1950s Home Economics textbook intended for the High School girls, teaching how to prepare for married life.

Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal – on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.
Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the childrens hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.
Some DONTS: Dont greet him with problems or complaints. Dontcomplain if hes late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.
Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.
The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.

Now the updated version for the 90s woman.

Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where youd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.
Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the Loreal counter on yourway home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he belches at the table. (Dont forget to use his credit card!)
Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and let her know youll need her for an extra day this week. Tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.
Prepare the children: Drop them off at grandmas!
Minimize the noise: When he arrives at home remind him that the washer and garbage disposal are still not working properly and the noise is driving you crazy (but do this in a nice way and greet him with a warm smile…this way he might fix it faster).
Some DONTS: Dont greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Dont complain if hes late for dinner. Simply remind him that the last one home does the cooking and the cleanup.
Make him comfortable: Remind him where he can find a warm fuzzy blanket if hes cold. This will really show you care.
Listen to him: But dont ever let him get the last word.
Make the evening his: a chance to get the washer and garbage disposal fixed.

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New Living Will Form
I, __________________________, being of sound mind and
body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by
artificial means. Under no circumstances should my
fate be put in the hands of peckerwood politicians who
couldnt pass ninth-grade biology if their lives
depended on it.If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to
sit up and ask for:(please initial all that apply)_________a martini,_________chocolate,_________a beer,_________a steak,________ the remote control,________ a bowl of ice cream,________ sex,________ a good cigar,it should be presumed that I wont ever get better.When such a determination is reached, I hereby
instruct my appointed person and attending physicians
to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.Under no circumstances shall the members of the
Legislature enact a special law to keep me on
life-support machinery. It is my wish that these
boneheads mind their own damn business, and pay
attention instead to the future of the millions of
Americans who arent in a permanent coma.Signature:___________________________Date: ___________________________Witness: ___________________________

So you think youre computer-illiterate ?

1. Compaq is considering changing the command Press Any Key to Press Return Key because of the flood of calls asking where the Any key is.



2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.



3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldnt read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labelled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.



4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.



5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.



6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldnt get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the send key.



7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. Yeah, I got me a couple of friends, the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks.



8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.



9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was bad and an invalid. The tech explained that the computers bad command and invalid responses shouldnt be taken personally.



10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldnt get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens. The foot pedal turned out to be the computers mouse.



11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldnt work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked What power switch?



12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:



Caller: Hello, is this Tech Support?



Tech Rep: Yes, it is. How may I help you?



Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that t fixed?



Tech Rep: Im sorry, but did you say a cup holder?



Caller: Yes, its attached to the front of my computer.



Tech Rep: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, its because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?



Caller: It came with my computer, I dont know anything about a promotional. It just has 4X on it.



At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldnt stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.