Old and New Jokes

Pepito estaba jugando con su tren nuevo:

Atenciooooonnn, señores pasajeros, preeeepararse para salir hacia la estación número siete. Chuuuuuchuuuuuu, chiquichiquichiqui, chuchuuuuu. Señores pasajeros, llegando a la estación número siete. ¡Hey, pedazo de hijo de puta, muévete de la puerta, cabrón, no ves que me estás tapando la salida, so pedazo de maricón!

Sale su mamá de la cocina, asustadísima por el vocabulario del niño: Pepito, ¿qué es esa clase de lenguaje? ¿Cuándo has oído tú hablar a tu padre o a mí de esa manera? Te irás a tu pieza, castigado por dos horas, hasta que aprendas a hablar con propiedad.

Pasan dos horas, y sale pepito de su cuarto: Mamita, ¿ya puedo seguir jugando con mi trencito? Está bien, hijo, ¡pero con buenos modales y vocabulario!

A ver, señores pasajeroooos, prepararse, por favor, sean ustedes tan amables, para partir hacia la estación número ocho. Chuuuuchuuuuu, chiquichiquichiqui, chuuuuuchuuuu. Señores pasajeros les recordamos con todo respeto que las personas que se dirijan al norte de la ciudad, deben desalojar el tren por la puerta derecha, y los que vayan en dirección al sur, por la izquierda. ¡Ah! y para los pasajeros que estén enojados por las dos horas de retraso… ¡quejarse con la vieja puta que está en la cocina!

Había una vez dos señoritas que eran las mejores amigas, y decidieron casarse el mismo día.

Cuando se fueron a su luna de miel, las dos decidieron quedarse en el mismo hotel para poderse ver por las ventanas y contarse cómo les había ido en su primera noche de bodas…

Al otro día una le pregunta a la otra, ¿que tal te fue en tu primera noche?

El me quitó la ropa.

El también.

El se acostó en la cama conmigo y me gustó.

A mí también, contestó nuevamente la otra chica…

Y así se estuvieron contando todo lo que les había pasado, hasta que uno de los novios le dijo a una de ellas: Ya deja de estar gritando por la ventana contándole como te fue en tu primera noche, mejor llámala…

Entonces la chica le dice a la otra: LLAMAME.

Y la otra le contesta:

¡YO TAMBIEN!

Q: What do yuppies call mutual oral sex?

A: Sixty-something.

***We start to bud in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find anything that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears. ***Enter the almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption the boys in school will snap until we have callouses on our backs. ***Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankies, have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didnt even know we had. ***Our next little rite of passage is having sex for the first time which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils, leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about. ***Then its off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we dont spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course,
amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if were having Rosemarys Baby. Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee our pants everytime we sneeze. ***When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and well waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then its huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more (or 10) good push, warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the bastard (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb. bowling ball through a keyhole. ***After that, its time to raise those angels only to find that when
all that cute wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey,
sno

Ex-President Clinton is currently writing a new National Anthem.

Its called, Yank My Doodle, Its a Dandy.

A: Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.

Dont read this if youre an easily offended Catholic.

Ah, what Catholics have to endure for their faith. Take communion for
example–you spend hours sitting around on a hard bench, only get one
small cracker to eat, and get to spend the rest of the day poking
around with your tongue trying to scrape Jesus Christ off the roof of
your mouth.

Q:WHAT DID ONE LESBIAN VAMPIRE SAY TO THE OTHER

A:ILL SEE YOU NEXT MONTH 🙂

A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.

The mans tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began to read. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked Say Father, what causes arthritis? The priest replies My son, its caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and comtempt for your fellow man Well Ill be darned the drunk muttered, returning to his newspaper.

The priest thinking about what he said, nudged the drunk and apologised. Im sorry to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?

I dont have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.

A young blonde was onvacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in theworst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.After becoming veryfrustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blondeshouted, "Maybe Ill just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair ofshoes at a reasonable price!"The shopkeeper said,"By all means, be my guest. Maybe youll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself analligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly towardher. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to theswamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isnt wearing any shoes either!"