Old and New Jokes

A Jewish man and his wife were planning a vacation. They ended up in an argument, though…

Its Hawaii Im telling you! she said.

Oy! I never KNEW someone so stubborn! Havaii is how its pronounced! he replied. And so it went all the way to the vacation…

As they got off the airplane, they passed by a man. The husband abruptly stopped the wife and turned to the man to ask, Now that were on the island, you can settle an argument between my wife and I. Is this Hawaii or Havaii?

This is Havaii, the man replied.

Ha! the husband said, turning to his wife, See, didnt I tell you never to argue with me? Im alllll-ways right! As the began to walk away, he turned back and gave the man a hearty Thank you!

Youre Velcome!!!

Kosher Millionaire

You have been selected to play So You Wouldnt Mind Being a Kosher Millionaire…You Should Only Live So Long. You have three lifelines to help you, as follows:

1. You may call a Rabbi for his opinion.


2. You may ask the congregation for their opinion.


3. You may consider your spouses opinion … or not.

Bonus lifeline! Whether you ask for it or not, your Mother will give you her opinion.

Lets play…

For $100

Q. What is the name of the Russian Space Station that crashed and burned on re-entry?


A. Oy Vey is Mir

For $200

Q. How does a Jewish woman call her family to dinner?


A. All right, everybody get in the car.

For $500

Q. Who is Israels favorite Internet provider?


A. Netanyahoo.

For $1,000

Q. What is the name of a facial lotion made for Jewish women?


A. Oil of Oy Vey.

For $2,000

Q. What is the title of the new horror film for Jewish women?


A. Debbie Does Windows

For! !$4,000

Q. What is the technical term for a Jewish woman who catches her husband in the act with his secretary?


A. The Plaintiff.

For $8,000

Q. How does a Jewish kid verbally abuse his playmates?


A. Nyah, nyah, your mother pays retail.

For $16,000

Q. In the Jewish doctrine, when does the fetus become human?


A. When it graduates from medical school.

For $32,000

Q. What do Jewish women do to keep their hands soft and nails long and beautiful?


A. Nothing.

For $64,000

Q. Define Genius.


A. A C student with a Jewish mother.

For $125,000

Q. How do you know when a Jewish woman is about to have an orgasm?


A. She puts down her nail file.

For $250,000

Q. When should a Moyel retire?


A. When he cant cut it anymore.

For $500,000

Q. If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?


A. A fur coat.

For $1,000,000

Q. What is the difference between a Jewish Grandmother and an Italian Grandmother?


A. The accent.

Yo Mama is so fat, she tried to fit into a pair of BVDs and by the time she got it on, it spelled BOULEVARD.



Yo Mama is so ugly, she went to the beauty parlor and it took her three hours just to get an estimate.



Yo Mama is so old, she went to a museum and they tried to claim her as an exhibit.



Yo Mama is so fat, she jumped in the air and got stuck.



Yo Mama is so old, when God said let there be light, she was there to flick the switch.



Yo Mama is so dumb, she threw a rock at the ground and missed, tripped over the wire of a cordless phone, and got hit by a parked car.

A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesnt
love her.

Yo mama so fat her belly button looks like a second pussy.

Mrs. Feldman was getting acquinted with her new neighbor, Mrs. Johnson when Mrs. Johnson asked, How old are your boys?


The doctor is five and the lawyer is three replied Mrs. Feldman.

I worked for a while with a techie who was originally
from the Ukraine. He would tell me bonafide Russian jokes.
The ones I remember:

The farmers of a commune are gathered together by some officials for an
announcement. The government spokesman steps up and announces that
production is up, tractors are being manufactured in record quantities
and the economy is wonderful. He then asks if there are any questions.
A farmer named Perchek raises his hand. Yes, Comrade, a question. If
everything is so wonderful, why are we hungry, ill-housed and ill-clothed?

An excellent question comes the reply. I will ask it to my superiors
and return to you with an answer.

Three months later, the farmers are once again gathered and the same
type of news is announced. The spokesman again asks if there are
questions.

Yes, says one farmer. Where is Perchek?

There are a whole series of jokes involving the Reds and the Whites
(Reds being the partisan revolutionaries and Whites being the ruling
decadent pigs…) The jokes always involve the exploits of
Sasha, Ivan and Boris, three revolutionary Reds. The only one I can
remember is:

Boris is walking through Red Square one day on his way back to
revolutionary headquarters, when he sees a long line of men with grins
on their eager faces. He recognizes that many of them are prominent
Whites. He sneaks to the head of the line and sees that they are waiting
for a turn to screw a woman laid out on a mat in a warehouse. To his
surprise, he discovers that it is Sasha!

Quickly donning a disguise, he
gets in line and takes a turn, too. He then rushs back to Ivan at
headquarters and announces the traitorous activities of Sasha, who he
caught giving sexual favors to Whites!

About that time, Sasha walks into
the building. Ivan jumps up and angrily demands to know what she has
been doing. Furthering our noble cause, comrades! I have been out
spreading VD among the Whites!

Steven Swinkels

Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.
What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money. The cardinality of set M is 100. Each element of M is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set M. The set C, the cost of production, contains 20 fewer points than set M. Represent the set C as a subset of set M and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set P of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 1995:
By laying off 402 of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.

Teaching Math in 2000:
A logging company outsources all of its loggers. They save on benefits, and when demand for their product is down, the logging workforce can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had 3 weeks vacation, received a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. A contract logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?

Yo mama so fat she got hit by a parked car!

Why do we wash bath towels? Arent we clean when we use them?