When a woman says:
This place is a mess! Cmon, you and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor, and if we dont do laundry right now, youll have no clothes to wear.
What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, cmon blah, blah, blah, you and I blah, blah on the floor, blah, blah, blah, right now, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, no clothes.
The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.
The Stocking Stuffer
Prancer and Dancer Meet Lancer
Live On Stage! Bob Cratchitt and Mrs. Cratchitt Doing It!
The Night the Grinch Stole a Guys Wallet on the D Train
Up Santas Chimney (Santa was sitting in the audience, and after Dave read this one, Santa yelled, Screw you, Letterman! and left the theater)
Miracle on 69th Street
Frosty the Butt Man
Rotating Pies (Dave had clips of a rotating pie display from a diner playing all evening)
The Nutcrackers
That Aint Egg Nog!
The IgNobels, an annual spoof on the Nobel Prizes, recognise some of the more improbable contributions to research and discovery. This years prizes include …
Medicine: A paper on injuries due to falling coconuts
Physics: Solution to why shower curtains billow inwards
Biology: The invention of airtight underpants with a special charcoal filter to remove bad smells
Technology: For patenting the wheel in the year 2001 (and the Australian Patent Office for granting the patent)
Public Health: A survey of nose picking among adolescents
Psychology: An ecological study of glee in small groups of preschool children.
Peace: For creating the amusement park known as Stalin World
Last year, the peace award went to the Royal Navy for saving live ammunition by making sailors shout Bang! on training exercises.
And in 1999, a Bristol University scientist, Len Fisher, won the IgNobel for physics for his technique for dunking a biscuit without making a mess at the bottom of a cup of tea or coffee.
OReillys law of the kitchen: Cleanliness is next to impossible.
Liebermans law: Everybody lies, but it doesnt matter since nobody listens.
Dennistons law: Virtue is its own punishment.
Golds law: If the shoe fits, its ugly.
Conways law: In any organization, there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person should be fired.
Finsters law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Lynchs law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
Muirs law: When we try to separate anything out by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe.
Glymes formula for success: The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, youve got it made.
Masons first law of synergism: The one day youd sell your birthright for something, birthrights are a glut.
Hanlons razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Handy guide to modern science:
If its green or wriggles, its biology.
If it stinks, its chemistry.
If it doesnt work, its physics.
Greens law of debate: Anything is possible if you dont know what youre talking about.
Stewarts law of retroaction: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
First rule of history: History doesnt repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.
Olivers law of location: No matter where you go, there you are.
Harrisons postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
What do you call a vegieterian with diarrihea?
Every time you double click something, a message box asks, Is that your final answer?
Your motherboard keeps making chicken soup.
Every time you hit the delete key, a naked photo of Shelley Winters pops up.
Snot is dripping out of the disk drive.
Incriminating e-mails about Whitewater, Monica, and Vince Foster mysteriously disappear. (White House only)
Before ejecting the CD, it makes a disgusting hocking noise.
The Dr. Solomon splash screen pops up again, but this time hes brought a priest.
Its having a helluva time getting a referral from the HMOs primary care tech support guy.
Your screen saver now shows Pamela Anderson at home with the flu.
Pus between the keys, pus in the floppy drives, and pus oozing out of the monitor — its either a virus, or Ron in Sales has been using it without your permission again.
Your web browser just tossed its cookies.
Dell customer service recommends the nighttime, freezing, rebooting, up-locking, destroying, hosed-drive, deleted so you can buy a new PC medicine.
and Topfive.coms Number 1 Sign Your Computer Has a Virus…
Your dancing hamsters are all dead.
[ This list copyright 2000 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@topfive.com http://www.topfive.com/ ]
Esta pareja de recien casados están de luna de miel en LÃbano. Paseaban por el mercado mirando la mercancia y cuando pasaron por una tiendita de sandalias oyeron un caballero que les dice: Venid adendro de mi humilde diendita, baisanos.
Los recién casados entraron y el hombre les dice que tiene unas sandalias especiales que los estimularán a tener un sexo salvaje como gran gamello del desierto.
La esposa estaba realmente interesada en comprar las sandalias después del comentario del Libanés, pero su marido pensaba que no las necesitaba, siendo un hombre joven y viril, asà que le preguntó al tendero, Como podrÃan esas sandalias convertirme en un monstruo del sexo?
Sólo dienes que brobarlas, Saiheeb.
Después de mucho acoso de su esposa, finalmente hace el intento. Tan pronto como desliza sus pies en las sandalias, se le ve una mirada salvaje en sus ojos; algo que su esposa no habÃa visto nunca, una potencia sexual del demonio.
En un parpadeo de ojos, el marido agarró al Libanes firmemente por las nalgas, le bajó los pantalones y lo puso en cuatro listo para sodomizarlo.
El Libanés comenzó a gritar, ¡Bara, bara! ¡¡Te las busiste al revés, te las busiste al revés !!
Frente a un manicomio, a un tipo se le poncha una llanta de su auto. Muy enojado iba retrasado, se baja a cambiarla. Un interno del manicomio lo observa a través de la reja, mientras maldice su suerte; al percatarse de eso, se enfurece aún más. En un descuido, el individuo tira las tuercas a una alcantarilla.
¡Maldita sea! ¿Ahora qué voy ha hacer? ¿Cómo pongo la llanta?
El loco sigue curioseando y le pregunta al hombre:
¿Se le fueron las tuercas a la alcantarilla, verdad?
Pues sÃ, ¿qué no ves? ¡Y ahora no sé cómo hacerle, ya se me hizo muy tarde!
Oiga, señor, ¿y cuántas tuercas tiene cada llanta?
Pues cuatro, ¿qué no sabes?
Entonces, ¿por qué no le quita una a cada llanta, asà todas quedan con tres?
El sujeto, asombrado por el consejo que le dio el orate, se pone a quitar una tuerca a cada llanta, y asà soluciona su problema. Cuando ya está listo para seguir su camino le agradece al chalado el consejo:
Te agradezco mucho que me hayas dado tan buena idea; pero se ve que eres inteligente ¿por qué entonces estas ahà adentro?
Ah, pues es que estoy aquà por loco, no por pendejo.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
I.R.S.: Weve got what it takes to take what youve got!
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
What is a free gift ? Arent all gifts free?
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.