Old and New Jokes

I have read your essay about your house, scowled the professor, and its exact the same as your brothers from last year.

Of course, says the student, Its the same house.

There was a blonde who was hurting all over so she went to the doctor. The doctor said, Where are you hurting?She said, Everywhere. See?"She touched her arm and said, "OUCH!"She touched her leg and, "OUCH!" She touched her nose, "OUCH!" "See?" she cried, " I am hurting all over! The doctor laughed and said, What youve got is a broken index finger!"

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who only spoke Navajo, asked a question, which the son translated: What are the guys in the big suits doing? A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got really excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate. He refused. So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elders message to the moon. Finally, NASA called a official government translator. He reported that the moon message said: Watch out for these guys; theyve come to steal your land.

After a ladys car had leaked motor oil on her cement driveway, she bought a large bag of cat litter to soak it up. It worked so well, that she went back to the convenience store to get another two bags to finish the job.

The clerk remembered her. Looking thoughtfully at her purchase, he said, Lady, if that were my cat, Id put him outside!

A guy walks into a drugstore operated by a prudish woman.
He asks, Can I have a dozen condoms, miss?

Dont miss me, mister.

Well then, you better make it 13.

A traveling salesman walks into a bar and sees a farmer. Can you give
me a place to spend the night? he asks.

You can sleep in the barn, says the farmer, but whatever you do, dont
disturb my chicken.

The salesman thanks him and pulls a duck out of his pocket, which immediately
sits down and starts playing the piano.

We dont allow any farm animals in here, says the bartender.

Do you have any matches? asks the salesman.
Sure, says the bartender.

Good, says the salesman, now I can find the Mac truck and drive out.

Doing so, the salesman takes the farmer home, and goes to the barn. Once
there he sees this nest full of rice, which, for no good reason, he proceeds
to eat. The next day, he sees the farmers daughter (who is naturally stark
naked), and compliments her on the rice.

Oh that wasnt rice, says the naked farm girl. My fathers chicken died
two weeks ago. Those were maggots. Would you like some hot buttered corn?

No, says the salesman, But Id like some of those cheerios youre eating.

Oh, these arent Cheerios, says the farm girl, These are…

Never mind! says the salesman, and begins to leave.

Where are you going? says the farmgirl.

Im going to get to the other side, says the salesman.

Careful, says the farm girl. Thats how our chicken died. Please stay
and have some mung!

Whats mung? asks the salesman.

Its a long story, she replies.

– Franz Kafka

A boy is watching television and hears the name Jesus Christ. Wondering
who Jesus Christ is, he asks his mother. She tells him that she is
busy, and to ask his father. His father is also busy so he asks his
brother. His brother kicks him out of the room because he doesnt have
time to answer his stupid questions, so he goes downtown and sees a bum
in an alley. He asks the bum, Whos Jesus Christ? and the bum
replies, Well, I am. The boy, not believing the bum, asks for proof.
So the bum takes the boy into the bar down the street and takes him
inside. They walk up to the bar and the bartender exclaims, Jesus
Christ, are you in here again?

First Class?
A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks into the forward cabin at the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.

The blonde replies, Im young, blonde and beautiful, and Im going to sit here all the way to New York.

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.

Again, the blonde replies, Im young, blonde and beautiful, and Im going to sit here all the way to New York.

The captain doesnt want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blondes ear.

She immediately gets up, says, Thank you so much. hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replies, I just told her that the first class section isnt going to New York.

El pequeño tenía seis años y, como otros niños de su edad, era muy curioso. El había estado oyendo a los mayores acerca del noviazgo y se preguntaba como sería eso. Un día le preguntó a su mamá, quien impresionada le dijo que para que entendiera lo que era el noviazgo se escondiera detrás de las cortinas de la sala y observara a su hermana mayor con su novio. A la mañana siguiente le relató a su mamá lo que había visto:

Mi hermana y su novio se sentaron y hablaron por un largo rato. Entonces, él apagó casi todas las luces y comenzó a abrazarla y besarla; yo pensé que se estaba enfermando porque su cara se estaba poniendo muy rara. Su novio debió pensar lo mismo porque puso su mano dentro de la blusa de mi hermana para sentirle el corazón, pero al parecer tenía problemas para encontrárselo.

Yo pensé que él también se estaba enfermando porque hubo un momento en que los dos se quedaron sin respiración. El debía tener frío en su mano derecha porque la puso bajo la falda de mi hermana. Entonces ella empeoró porque se deslizaba por todo el sofá; ¡tenía fiebre! Yo sé que tenía fiebre porque ella decía que se sentía muy caliente y que no podía más.

Al momento descubrí la causa de la enfermedad: era un enorme gusano que se le había metido al novio de mi hermana en el pantalón. El lo agarró con la mano para que no se le escapara. Cuando mi hermana lo vió se asustó mucho. Sus ojos se agrandaron y dijo que era el más grande que jamás había visto. Ella se enfureció y trató de matar al enorme gusano a puros mordiscos. De golpe ella hizo un sonido raro y dejó caer al gusano, me imagino que la mordió. Entonces lo agarró con las manos para sujetarlo mejor, mientras el novio sacaba un tubito de goma de una cajita y se lo puso sobre la cabeza al maldito gusano para que ya no mordiera a mi hermana. Ella se recostó y abrió las piernas de forma que pudiera aplicarle una llave de tijera al enorme gusano. El novio le ayudó a aprisionar al gusano y se formó una pelea de los mil demonios.

Ella empezó a brincar y a gritar como loca y por poco rompen el sofá. Me imagino que iban a matar al gusano aplastándolo entre los dos. Después de un rato dejaron de moverse y dieron un suspiro porque estaban cansados de tan tremenda batalla. El novio se levantó. Estaban seguros de haber matado al gusano. Yo supe que el gusano estaba muerto porque colgaba inmóvil y parte de los sesos le salían por la cabeza. Mi hermana y su novio estaban agotados por la pelea, entonces, para descasar se acariciaron.

Pero no, el gusano no estaba muerto, ¡estaba vivo! Brincó de nuevo y por poco los sorprende. De suerte que mi hermana lo vio y lo atacó ayudada por su novio en una terrible pelea. Esta vez mi hermana trató de matar a este gusano inmortal sentándose encima de él. Después de varios minutos de lucha lograron matarlo. Esta vez sí estaba muerto porque el novio de mi hermana le arrancó el pellejo y lo arrojó por el inodoro.

Yo creo que los gusanos tienen siete vidas como los gatos y esto del noviazgo, la verdad, se me hace muy peligroso.

A man took his Dobermann to the vet and said, My dogs cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do? Well, said the vet, lets have a look at him. So he picked up the dog by the ears and had a good look at its eyes. Well, said the vet, Im going to have to put him down. What? Just because hes cross-eyed?! exclaimed the man. No, because hes heavy.

Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb assassin to break the bulb in the first place.

have finally found the problem with men.

god only gave them enough blood to work one of there most famous organs at a time. well, only really one is famous.