Old and New Jokes

In the good ol U.S. of A., buses will have a sign saying
Dont speak to the driver.

In Germany, the sign reads: It is strictly forbidden for passengers to
speak to the driver.

In England: You are graciously requested to refrain from speaking to
the driver.

In Scotland: What have you got to gain by speaking to the driver?

And in Italy: Dont answer the driver.

Byron Rakitzis, Banana-in-Residence, Princeton University.

This comes from Herve Negres Dictionnaire des histoires droles, Livre de Poche.

Marcel was a French laborer who was intent on improving himself and his status in life. To that end, he enrolled in night classes and began all too quickly to disgust his fellow workers with his new-found knowledge.

At a lunch break one day, he started again: I learned something last night that you dont know. What is the name of the person who prevented the Moors from taking over France? You dont know? Ill tell you … it was Charles Martel.

And what is the name of the man who invented the potato? You wont know – it was Parmentier.

And what is the name of the scientist who cured smallpox? Let me tell you, it was Pasteur.

And on and on.

Then Jean-Luc broke in, and said, Tell me who is Alain Lefevre? Ill bet you dont know!

Marcel thought and thought, but he had never heard of Alain Lefevre. Jean-Luc continued, You wont know. Let me tell me you – hes the guy whos screwing your wife while youre at night school!

Una mujer entra en la farmacia y le pregunta al farmacéutico:

¿Aquí venden preservativos extra-grandes?

Sí, claro, ¿quiere una caja?

¡No, no quiero ninguno, pero si no le importa voy a esperar por aquí a ver si alguien compra!

Un día un león y un burro deciden escaparse del circo en el que trabajan. Los dos deciden vivir juntos al lado de un cerro. A los pocos días de su escape, los dos tenían muchas ganas de tener sexo pero como no había animales de su raza, ellos deciden hacer el sexo subiendo y bajando el cerro.

El león le dice al burro:

Mira burro, yo te agarro primero. Nos vamos de subida y cuando lleguemos a la cima, tu me agarras de bajada.

El burro acepta y empiezan. Cuando llegan a medias del cerro, el león empieza a rasguñar al burro. El burro se enoja y le dice al león: No rasguñes cabrón.

Pero el león le dice: Es que así soy yo, burrito.

Luego llegan a la cima del cerro y le toca al burro de bajada. Entonces ahí va el burro dejándosela caer al león. Al llegar al medio del cerro de bajada, el burro se acuerda de lo que le hizo el león y éste empieza a patear al león. El león se enoja y dice:

No eches patadas cabrón.

El burro le responde: Leoncito, yo soy así.

A los pocos días se muere el burro. Cuando los demás animales oyen de esta noticia, atienden al velorio del burro incluyendo el león. Sale una burra y dice:

Este burro fue muy bueno en su vida.

Al oír esto, sale el león y dice:

¡Si, pero de bajada fue un hijo de su pinche madre!

Q: What do you call a sardarji in an institution of higher learning?

A: A visitor.

Q: What did the raccoon say in his will?

A: Leave it to Beaver.

Heres what the heck they mean in the Lone Star State…

• The engines runnin but aint nobody driving = Not too smart
• As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party = An unwelcome person
• Tighter than bark on a tree = Stingy
• Big hat, no cattle = All talk, no action
• Weve howdied but we aint shook yet = Weve met, but havent been formally introduced
• He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow = He thinks his s#%! doesnt stink
• Shes got tongue enough for ten rows of teeth = Shes a talker
• Its so dry the trees are bribin the dogs = Rain would be nice
• Just because a chicken has wings doesnt mean it can fly = Appearances can be deceiving
• This aint my first rodeo = Ive been around the block
• He looks like the dogs been keepin him under the porch = U-G-L-Y
• They ate supper before they said grace = Theyre living in sin
• Time to paint your butt white and run with the antelope = Stop arguing and do as youre told
• As full of wind as a corn-eating horse = A braggart
• You can put your boots in the oven, but that doesnt make them biscuits = You can say whatever you want, but that doesnt change a thing

The Dentists Hymn
Crown Him with Many CrownsThe TV Weathermans Hymn
There Shall be Showers of BlessingThe Contractors Hymn
The Churchs one FoundationThe Tailors Hymn
Holy, Holy, HolyThe Golfers Hymn
There is a Green Hill Far AwayThe Politicians Hymn
Standing on the PromisesThe Optometrists Hymn
Open Mine Eyes that I Might SeeThe IRS Hymn
All to TheeThe Gossipers Hymn
Pass it OnThe Electricians Hymn
Send the LightThe Shoppers Hymn
Sweet by and by
If you MUST speed on the highway — sing these hymns loudly:at 45 mph…
God Will Take Care of Meat 55 mph…
Guide me, O Great Jehovahat 65 mph…
Nearer My God to Theeat 75 mph…
Nearer Still Nearerat 85 mph…
This World is not my Homeat 95 mph…
Lord, Im Coming Homeat 100 mph…
Precious Memories

Joe was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, I dont know what to get my wife for her birthday – she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so Im stumped.

His buddy said, I have an idea – why dont you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it – shell probably be thrilled.

So the thats what Joe did.

The next day at the bar his buddy said, Well? Did you take my suggestion?

Yes, I did, said Joe.

Did she like it? His buddy asked.

Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling Ill be back in an hour!!

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.