Old and New Jokes

Advice on baby care – your questions answered.

(From a Nutworks post by Jon Partington)

QUESTION. I am the father of a two-month old baby and he is fascinated by a Helium balloon that we have bought him. It is called Mr Smiley and has a smiling face on one side, with the words Dont worry. He keeps playing with the thing, tugging on the string and letting the balloon rise again. However what is worrying me is that he seems more interested in Mr Smiley than he is in me: also he seems to resemble Mr Smiley very strongly, in that he is fat, full of wind, and smiles a lot in an enigmatic way. Is it possible that my wife has committed adultery with Mr Smiley, & the baby is not my son at all?

ANSWER. This is highly improbable. The baby probably likes Mr Smiley because he comes when the baby pulls him. You could try bobbing up and down above the cot, smiling vacuously. Pretend you are a politician running for office, Maybe.

QUESTION. My baby is only one month old and can already speak fluent French. So far the words he says are a, la, ou and gout (which of course he pronounces correctly as goo.) His English is more limited, and he keeps trying to tell me something about glue. Why is this?

ANSWER. This is well-known. All babies can speak fluent French at the age of one month. Most of them forget it again. The fact that he is trying to say chacun a son gout probably means that he is reading your books when you think he is asleep in his cot. However, I do not know what he is trying to tell you about glue. On no account give him any to sniff, and make sure he isnt sniffing it when your back is turned. Tell-tale signs include a huge tube stuck in the nostrils.

QUESTION. My wife drinks lots of water, which she turns into milk. The baby then drinks it, and it passes through his system and ends up in the nappy. Could I save time by pouring the water straight into his nappy?

ANSWER. Good idea. You could also save the child the trouble of soiling his nappies by filling them with best quality fertilizer. Or recycle the speeches of any convenient politician.

You might be a redneck if…
Your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion.

These laws were given to me by an old friend who carried has them around in his golf bag for, judging by the age of the paper (and his golf bag), decades. True golfers should understand the words layed out here.



LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summmer and, eventually, a lifetime.



LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.



LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.



LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.



LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant You looked up, or invoke the wrath of the universe.



LAW 6: The higher a golfers handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instuctor.



LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.



LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.



LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.



LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isnt, how do you explain the way it works against you?



LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.



LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent — or some similar combination.



LAW 13: All 3-woods are domon-possessed.



LAW 14: Golf balls from the same sleeve tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)



LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.



LAW 16: Nice lag can usually be translated to lousy putt. Similarly, tough break can usually be translated way to miss an easy one, sucker.



LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.



LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.



LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.



LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.

Q. Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice carton for hours?

A. Because she noticed the word concentrate on the container.

The Supervisor was berating a key punch operator over her lack of output. …And look at Tina, working right next to you, she has triple your keystrokes.

I know, I know! replied Sheryl, Ive been telling her to slow down for weeks now.

The new Marine recruit was awakened roughly by her platoon Sergeant after the rookies first night in the barracks.

Its four-thirty ! roared the Sergeant.

Four-thirty?!?!? gasped the recruit. Youd better go to bed. Weve got a big day tomorrow.

The newly rich Yuppette was going thru her culture routine and was standing in front on an oil painting of a ragged but happy vagabond. Go figure. she said aloud. Too broke to buy himself any decent clothes but he spends Lord knows how much to have his portrait painted.

Two Yuppettes were lamenting the death of a friend who had died the day before. I understand, observed one, that Dinah left very few effects.

Figures … replied the second, she had very few causes.

The college graduate was listing her experience during a job interview. I was also the recording secretary of the chess club.

I see. said the personnel officer. And as such, exactly what were your duties.

I read the hours of the last meeting.

I resent that remark. said the blonde as she rose from the cafeteria table. Ill give you 5 seconds to take that back.

Oh yeah? snarled the dark haired woman, who upon standing was head and shoulders above the blonde. Suppose I dont take it back in five seconds?

Well … stammered the blonde, how much time do you need?

A little town in southern Illinois had a sensational birth rate, and scientists decided to visit the place and find out the cause. So the sociologists, anthropologists, birth control specialists and other concerned scientists moved to the town prepared to do a six-month study of the causes of the towns high birth rate.

The day the research testing and all was to begin, the director of the million-dollar project stopped off at the single cafe in town and ordered coffee. When the waiter delivered his drink, the scientist detained him for a moment and asked, Can you give me an idea was to why your town, above all others in this country, has such a high birth rate?

The waiter thought a moment, then said, I think I can. You see, every morning at 4:00, the C&A Railroad comes through town and blows its whistle at all three street crossings. That wakes up the folks here and, as you can guess, its too darn late to go back to sleep and too darn early to get up.

The May Day parade in Moscow is the largest, most important military parade of the year. For 1992s parade, Yeltsin and Gorbachev invited Bill Clinton to come watch it with them. The parade commenced with a battalion of tanks, followed by a division of infantry, followed by armored personnel carriers and mobile artillery. They had mobile ballistic missile launchers, electronic jamming vehicles, and throughout the entire time the formations were overflown by squadrons of the most advanced interceptors, fighters, and long-range tactical and strategic bombers.

Clinton, who had never been this close to war in his life, was suitably impressed. Then he noticed that, way back at the end of the parade, there was a disorganized, messy bunch of men in rumpled suits tagging along behind the last artillery pieces. Who are they? he asked.

Ah, said Yeltsin, those are our economists!

But I thought this parade was military… said Clinton, confused.

Mr. Clinton, said Gorbachev, have you SEEN the damage those men can do?

Q: How many members of the P.L.O. does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 45 – One to drive the car, four to shoot the president of Sylvanias bodyguards, three to kidnap the president of Sylvania, five to think up the ransom demands, ten to paste up the ransom note, eight to cut little eye-holes in the cloth sacks, one to drive a truck with 2000 kilos of dynamite into the American embassy, one to claim responsibility for the bombing, and twelve to commandeer a building with working lights.

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

Excuse me, said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done.

What was that all about?

Nothing, said the Irishman, my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.

On a college field trip, four Engineering and four Pre-Law students were travelling on the same train. The law students each had a ticket, but the Engineers had but one ticket amongst them. One of the Engineers shouted conductors coming!, and the four Engineers crowded into one of the bathrooms. The conductor comes by and knocks on the bathroom door saying Tickets, please. The Engineers slip their one and only ticket under the door. The conductor punches it an moves on to the next car.



On the return trip, the four Lawyers, impressed by the Engineers trick, purchase only one ticket. The Engineers, however have no tickets at all!. Suddenly, one of the Engineers shouts Conductors coming. All four Engineers head for the bathroom, and all four lawyers crowd into the other one. Then, one of the Engineers slips out of his bathroom and knocks on the other bathroom door saying Tickets, please. The lawyers then slip their only ticket under the door, and the Engineer then picks up the ticket and joins his friends, waiting for the real conductor.