Una mujer enormemente gorda, mofletuda y más fea que el hambre, acude al médico:
Doctor, aquà en mi barriguita hay algo que me sube hasta el cuellito. Luego me baja hasta mi traserito y otra vez vuelve a subir y otra vez vuelve a bajar…
¿Y en qué momento del dÃa sucede eso?, interroga el médico.
Siempre después de comer, doctor.
¡Ah, entonces lo que Ud. tiene es un pedo indeciso, que con su cara de culo no sabe por donde salir!, asegura el galeno.
Una CERVEZA está siempre mojada. La MUJER no… ¡punto para la CERVEZA!
La CERVEZA es horrible si está caliente… ¡punto para la MUJER!
Una CERVEZA helada te satisface… ¡punto para la CERVEZA!
Si regresas a casa oliendo a CERVEZA, tu mujer puede enojarse. Si llegas a casa oliendo a MUJERES, tu mujer seguro que se enoja y hasta puede dejarte… ¡Empate!… ya que depende del punto de vista.
Diez CERVEZAS en una noche y después no puedes manejar a casa. Diez MUJERES en una noche y no hace falta manejar a ningún lado… ¡punto para la MUJER!.
Si un policÃa te siente olor a CERVEZA te puede arrestar, si el policÃa te siente olor a MUJERES te invita una cerveza… ¡punto para la MUJER!
La CERVEZA cuanto más vieja, es mejor… ¡punto para la CERVEZA!
Muchas CERVEZAS pueden hacerte ver ovnis, muchas MUJERES pueden hacerte ver a Dios… ¡punto para la MUJER!
Si te preguntas como será la próxima MUJER eres normal. Si te preguntas como será la próxima CERVEZA eres un alcohólico… ¡punto para la MUJER!
Arrancarle la etiqueta a una CERVEZA es divertido. Arrancarle los calzones a una MUJER es mucho MUCHO más divertido… ¡punto para la MUJER!
Por una CERVEZA pagas impuestos… ¡punto para la MUJER!.
Si te tomas otra CERVEZA, la primera no se enoja… ¡punto para la CERVEZA!
Puedes estar siempre seguro de que eres el primero en destapar una CERVEZA … ¡punto para la CERVEZA!
Si agitas una CERVEZA, después de un rato se calma sola… ¡punto para la CERVEZA!
Clara, oscura, en cualquier momento puedes escoger la CERVEZA que quieras… ¡punto para la CERVEZA!
Una CERVEZA sabes exactamente cuanto te va a costar… ¡punto para la CERVEZA!
La CERVEZA no tiene mamá… ¡punto para la CERVEZA!
Puedes hacerlo si quieres, pero la CERVEZA no te pedirá que la abraces durante media hora después de haberla tomado… ¡punto para la CERVEZA!
PUNTUACIÓN FINAL: La CERVEZA le gana a la MUJER (10 a 7)
Si eres una MUJER y en este momento te estás enojando, piensa que la CERVEZA no se enojarÃa por esta batalla… ¡Otro punto para la CERVEZA!
MARCADOR FINAL 11 A 7
Two blondes walk into a bar, but the redhead ducked.
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts one in half and sends her the top part.
Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half but accidentally sends the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part but then remembers how bad his grandmothers eyesight is and hopes she wont notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style… it makes your nose look too long.
A ducks walks into a bar and asks, Got any grapes?
The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesnt serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and says, Got any grapes?
Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, Got any nails?
Confused, the bartenders says no.
Good! says the duck. Got any grapes?
There was a long line of souls before the gate of Heaven and Hell. Waiting on line beside each other were two residents of New York City, a taxi driver and a priest and they started chatting to kill the time. Finally, it was the taxi drivers turn to be judged; after talking with God for a few minutes, he was allowed to enter heaven. The priest came after him and had his few minutes with God. He, however, was sent to hell.Needless to say, the priest was pretty surprised by this turn of events and asked God why he, who had constantly talked to people about God, had been sent to hell and a taxi driver was going to heaven. God replied, " We judge whether one goers to heaven not by the words he has said but the deeds he has done on the earth. While you talked about God, people slept, but they all remembered me when he drove."
Jesus recently walked into a bar somewhere in the Western World. He
approached three sad-faced gentlemen at a table, and greeted the first one:
Whats troubling you, brother? he said.
My eyes. I keep getting stronger and stronger glasses, and I still cant
see.
Jesus touched the man, who ran outside to tell the world about his now 20-20
vision.
The next gentleman couldnt hear Jesus questions, so The Lord just touched
his ears, restoring his hearing to perfection. This man, too, ran out the
door, probably on his way to the audiologist to get a hearing-aid refund.
The third man leapt from his chair and backed up against the wall, even
before Jesus could greet him.
Dont you come near me, man! Dont touch me! he screamed. Im on
disability!
A Jewish young man is in love with a native American Indian named Rising Lilly. The only problem is, he has been afraid to tell his parents that she isnt Jewish as he knows they wont approve.
He finally gets the courage to invite her over his parents house for dinner. He tells his parents, my girlfriend is coming for dinner. I love her and I think I want to marry her. I hope you will like her.
When Rising Lilly arrives, his mother says to her, come into the kitchen with me and help me prepare dinner. So she goes. Meanwhile, the man is very nervous and is pacing back and forth hoping that his mother will like her.
When Rising Lilly comes out of the kitchen, he says to her, so what happened? did she like you? And she replies, yes very much so. She was even talking about taking up an Indian name. An Indian name?? What are you talking about?? And she replies, well your mother said something about next week shes going to be Sitting Shiva.
En la ciudad de México abrieron un restaurant con un letrero que decÃa: Comidas exóticas, si no encuentra lo que usted pide le regalamos un millón de pesos.
Un muchacho ve el letrero y se anima a entrar. Llama al mesero y le dice, Mesero, tráigame por favor unas hormiguitas negras rellenas de nalga de hipopótamo!
Y el mesero contesta, ¡SÃ, cómo no!
A los 5 minutos se las traen. Al dÃa siguiente vuelve a pasar y dice, Ora sà me la van a pelar! Llama al mesero y le dice, Quiero un caldo de cuerno de rinoceronte joto.
Y el mesero le contesta otra vez con tonito mamón ¡Sà como no SEÑOR!
Y a los 5 minutos, ¡le traen su caldo con todo y moñito para que creyeran que era puto!
Vuelve a pasar por ahà y dice ¡Vas a ver que lo que te voy a pedir hoy no lo van a tener! ¡TRAEME UNOS SANDWICHES BIEN TOSTADOS DE CHICHIS DE SIRENA LACTANDO!
Y el mesero, pensando y sudando le responde PermÃtame tantito, señor (Ahora sin el tono mamón). Se tarda el mesero 5, 10, 15, 20, 25,30 minutos… y llega con el millón de pesos del cliente diciéndole: Lo siento, señor, pero no tenemos su orden, ¡Acaba de ganar usted un millón de pesos!
El cliente burlándose le dice: ¡Ya ve, ya ve, no tenÃan chichis de sirena!
Y el mesero contesta encabronado y cagándose del coraje: ¡no señor, es que se nos acabó el pinche pan Bimbo!
10. Your annual breast exam is conducted at Hooters.
9. Directions to your doctors office include, Take a left when you enter the trailer park.
8. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
7. The only proctologist in the plan is Gus from Roto-Rooter.
6. The only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is An apple a day.
5. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
4. The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges is not a typo.
3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
2. Your Prozac comes in different colors with little Ms on them.
1. You ask for Viagra; you get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.