Old and New Jokes

Q: How many system administrators does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they just deny everyone access to the area served by the light bulb in question.

Un gringo y un africano estaban en un departamento de asistencia social. El gringo parado detrás del negro le dice Nigger motherfucker, i fuck you. El negro, sin darle importancia, no le hace caso.

Al rato el gringo le dice al negro: ¿Saben por qué ustedes tener palmas de las manos y plantas de pies blancas?

El africano volteando educadamente le responde: No, ¿por qué?

Y el gringo le dice: ¡Porque a ustedes pegarlos contra la pared y pintarlos con pintura de aceite negra y de pasada con crayones¡

El africano, molesto y encabronado, le responde: ¿Y saben por qué ustedes tienen el ano bien negro?

El gringo desconcertado dice: No ¿why?

¡Pues porque nosotros todavía estábamos frescos!

Blutarskys Axiom: Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason.

Mess Test:

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Toy Test:

Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)

Grocery Store Test:

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test:

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag, making sure that all arms stay inside.

Feeding Test:

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Night Test:

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 – 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Physical Test (Women):

Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

Physical Test (Men):

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

Final Assignment:

Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and childs table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot.

A blonde goes into an appliance store looking for a TV. After a few minutes, she picks one out and approaches the salesman. I want to buy this television, she says.

The salesman replies, Sorry, we dont serve blondes here. She gets mad, leaves and goes home.

She dyes her hair brown and returns to the store. I want to buy this television. she says to the salesman, getting the same response; Sorry miss, we dont serve blondes here. She leaves again, frustrated.

She goes home and proceeds to shave her head, eyebrows and all, leaving no visible trace of blonde hair on her head. Upon returning to the store, she once again approaches the salesman. Sir, I would like to purchase this television, and I dont want any problems. To which the salesman

replies, Sorry Miss, we dont serve blondes. Fed up with this, she cries, How can you tell that I am blonde? I have dyed my hair and even resorted to shaving my head! To which the salesman replied, Well, Miss, that television you are trying to buy is a microwave!

A: She wanted to write shorthand.

A Texan goes to Toronto for a vacation.

There he grabs a cab at the airport and says hes on his way to The Royal York Hotel.

The Cabby heads downtown on his way he passes Queens Park,

Whats that says the Texan

Oh! Thats Queens Park says the Cabby, Its our Provincial Government, its like your State Government Those buildings are almost 200 years old and they are quite big.

Oh! We have buildings much older than that and at least twice as large says the Texan.

They continue along and past First Canadian Place.

Holy cow says the Texan Whats that?

Why thats First Canadian Place, its the biggest office complex in the country says the Cabby it took almost 4 years to build.

Really says the Texan Why in Houston they have buildings twice that big, and built in less than 1/2 the time

They continue on the way, the cabby a little miffed at the bragging, when they drive past the CN Tower. Now the Texan has his head out the window looking up at the 1850 tower and rotating restaurant at 1300

Holy Crap! says the Texan. What in gods name is that? How long did it take to build that!

The Cabby non chalantly glances out the window and says –

Heck if I know, it wasnt there yesterday!

…do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

The teacher was telling her 4th grade class about todays lesson.

Ill say a letter of the alphabet and you give me a word that starts with that letter. Lets begin. A

All the children raise their hands, but little Johnny was almost coming out of his seat trying to get picked. The teacher knew Johnny had a filthy mouth and thought to herself that if she picked Johnny, he would give her a word like ass or asshole. She picked Wendy, and Wendy said apple.

Very good, said the teacher, now B.

Johnny was jumping out of his seat again, but the teacher picked Bobby. Bobby said ball.

This went on and on with Johnny trying to get picked for each letter and the teacher knowing there was a dirty word for it. Then she got to R. Nobody but Johnny had their hands up.

The teacher thought and thought and couldnt think of a bad word that started with R. So she picked Johnny.

Johnny stands up and says: R…Rat…a big, fat, fuckin Rat!

How did the Burger King worker get a girl pregnant?

He forgot to wrap his Whopper!