Old and New Jokes

A priest and a nun were traveling through the desert when there camel died
suddenly.

Alone and in the middle of nowhere they decided to sit and wait
for help to come.

During the night they talked about stories of there life
and what they had and hadnt done with their life. It is then that the
preist asks the nun if she has ever had sex the nun replies no. So the
preist brings up the suggestion that since they are alone and in the middle
of nowhere and could possibly die that perhaps they should try it.

Upon
agreement the Priest flops out his pecker and says to the nun This is the
staff of life, it brings life to the dead.

In response the nun
replies, good go screw that dead camel so we can get the hell out of here.

How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.

The Pentagon recently discovered it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the generals body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a cheque for $960,000.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man: From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles.

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice cheques the previous two generals had received.

The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine but that hed better get the medical officer to do the measuring. The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the generals penis and began to work back.

My God! he said. Where are your testicles?

The general smiled and replied, In Vietnam.

A FRIEND OF MINE HAS AN 18 YEAR OLD SON NAMED LEROY. HE ATTENDS OAKLAND HIGH SCHOOL WHERE THEY TEACH EBONICS AS A SECOND LANGUAGE. LAST WEEK HE WAS GIVEN AN EASY HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT. ALL HE HAD TO DO WAS PUT EACH OF THE FOLLOWING WORDS IN A SENTENCE. THIS IS WHAT LEROY DID.

1. RECTUM: I HAD TWO CADILLACS, BUT MY OLLADY RECTUM BOTH.

2. HOTEL: I GAVE MY GIRLFRIEND DA CRABS AND THE HOTEL EVERYBODY.

3. ODYSSEY: I TOLD MY BRO, YOU ODYSSEY THE JUGS ON THIS HOE.

4. STAIN: MY MOTHER-IN-LAW AXED IF I WAS STAIN FOR DINNER AGAIN.

5. SELDOM: MY COUSIN GAVE ME TWO TICKETS TO THE KNICKS GAME, SO I SELDOM.

6. PENIS: I WENT TO DA DOCTOR AND HE HANDED ME A CUP AND SAID PENIS.

7. CATACOMB: DON KING WAS AT THE FIGHT THE OTHER NIGHT, MAN, SOMEBODY GIVE THAT CATACOMB.

8. FORCLOSE: IF I PAY ALIMONY THIS MONTH, ILL HAVE NO MONEY FORCLOSE.

9. UNDERMINE: THERE IS A FINE LOOKIN HOE LIVIN IN THE APARTMENT UNDERMINE.

10. TRIPOLI: I WAS GONNA BUY MY OLD LADY A BRA BUT I COULDNT FINE NO TRIPOLI.

12. DISAPPOINTMENT: MY PAROLE OFFICER TOL ME IF I MISS DISAPPOINTMENT THEY GONNA SEND ME BACK TO THE BIG HOUSE.

13. INCOME: I JUST GOT IN BED WIT DEE HOE AND INCOME MY WIFE.

14. HONOR: AT THE RAPE TRIAL, THE JUDGE AXED MY BUDDY, WHO B HONOR FIRST?

15. FORTIFY: I AXED DA HOE HOW MUCH? AND SHE SAY FORTIFY.

16. ISRAEL: ALONSO TRIED TO SELL ME A ROLEX, I SAID MAN, THAT LOOKS FAKE. HE SAID, NO ISRAEL.

NEEDLESS TO SAY, LEROY GOT AN A.

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The guy doesnt have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didnt take, and loads them in the truck again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.

One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.

No, she says, theyre all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.

A bloke who was well known for his anti Italian sentiments, was walking down the street one day with a mate, when they came across a busking act, an Italian with an organ grinding monkey. Our incipient racist stunned his friend by throwing a couple of bucks into the hat.

I thought you hated Italians? was the comment as the friend recovered.

Yeh, I do. But even Ill admit theyre cute when theyre little.

Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success. He decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General Motors.

The comparison went like this: If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. (160,000km/hr) Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds (14 kilos) and getsa thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50.

In response to all this goading, GM responds: Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?

Reportedly heard on the Financial News Network yesterday.

New issue bonds by the government just came out:

Dole BondNo interest
Clinton BondNo principal
Gingrich BondNo maturity
Forbes BondNo taxes (for qualifying investors)
Buchanon BondOnly Americans can collect (foreign investors welcome)
Heidi Fleiss BondGuaranteed high interest until withdrawal but substantial penalty for early withdrawal

You ask your 10-year old son how to spell a word.

Your dog is your alarm clock.

Your wife gets a hunting license so you can tag your second buck.

Un matrimonio discutía acaloradamente, cuando la mujer empezó a gritar:

¡Si no fuera por mi dinero, este televisor no estaría aquí! ¡Y si no fuera por mi dinero, ese sillón donde estás sentado no estaría aquí!¡Ni la casa, ni el auto estarían aquí!

Y el hombre le respondió:

¡Ay mi amor, si no fuera por tu dinero, YO no estaría aquí!