A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The womans husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, Dark in here.
The man says, Yes, it is.
Boy: I have a baseball.
Man: Thats nice.
Boy: Want to buy it?
Man: No, thanks.
Boy: My dads outside.
Man: OK, how much?
Boy: $250
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: Dark in here.
Man: Yes, it is.
Boy: I have a baseball glove.
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,
How much?
Boy: $750
Man: Sold.
A few days later, the father says to the boy, Grab your glove, lets go outside and have a game of catch.
The boy says, I cant, I sold my baseball and my glove.
The father asks, How much did you sell them for?
Boy: $1,000
The father says, Thats terrible to overcharge your friends like that, that is way more than those two things cost. Im going to take you to church and make you confess. They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door. The boy says, Dark in here.
The priest says, Dont start that shit again, youre in my closet now.
Q: Who were Jenna and Barbara Bush with when they got caught by the police?
A: Their uncle Anheuser
These drastic measures were inadvertently taken in notes written by parents to excuse their childrens absences from school. In all fairness to pupils throughout the land, I must point out that slaughtering the English language is a practice that is not limited only to students. An astonishing number of grown-ups blithely go about murdering the Kings English without any inkling that they are committing a serious crime. If you think that todays students arent learning all they should, check out some of the writing miscreated by their moms and dads. The following are actual excuse notes received by teachers.
Dear School:
Please eckuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating. Pleazse excuse Roland from P.E. for a few day. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part. Mary could not come to school because she has been bothered by very close veins. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. Please excuse pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (several mispellings of diarrhea crossed out) the &*%^$. Please excuse Tom for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak. Irving was absent this morning because he missed his bust. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his fathers fault. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I dont know what size she wear. Please excuse Harriet for missing school yesterday. We forget to get the Sunday paper off the porch. and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. Please excuse my sons tardiness. I forgot to wake him up and I did not find him till I started making the beds. Sally wont be
What did the little birdie say when he flew over Pic & Sav?
Cheap, cheap, cheap.
President Clinton and the Pope both die on the same day but due to a clerical error Clinton goes to Heaven and the Pope goes to Hell.
When he gets to Hell the Pope realizes the something is wrong He goes to the devil and says, I think theres been a mistake. The devil checks his books and says youre right, but theres nothing we can do for 24 hours.
24 hours later the Pope is on his way to where he belongs and he meets Clinton on the way down. The conversation is as follows:
Pope: I sure am happy about that mixup
Clinton: Yes, me too I was gonna miss all my friends.
Pope: Yes, well there was something really important that I always wanted to do.
Clinton: Whats that?
Pope: I always wanted to talk to the Virgin Mary
Clinton: Youre a day late!
Most diets fail
because we stubbornly continue to think and eat like humans. For those
us who have never had any success dieting there is the new Miracle Cat
Diet! Except for cats that eat like people — such as getting lots of
table scraps — most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). The
Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure as
a cat. Just follow this diet for one week and youll find that you not
only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what
constitutes food. Good Luck!
DAY ONE
Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any
flavour as long as it cost more than seventy-five cents per can. Eat one
bite of food then look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the
floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other
room.
Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw
it back up on the most expensive carpet in your house.
Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost
dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.
Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouses
or partners plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator.
Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half
on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you
opened this morning.
DAY TWO
Breakfast: Pick up the leftover chicken from the sofa.
Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on
the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.
Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought
as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over.
Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.
Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into
the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead.
Allow it to escape under the bed.
Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-coloured gourmet cat
food — tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen
to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step
into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.
DAY THREE:
Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouses
or partners cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on
the nearest polished aluminium appliance you can find.
Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house.
Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is
seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else
to have to deal with.
Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream
or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the
bowl over on the floor.
FINAL DAY:
Breakfast: Eat six bugs, assorted varieties, being sure
to leave a collection of legs, wings, and antennae on the bathroom floor.
Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouses
or partners pillow.
Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last nights chicken-to-go
leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin
across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.
Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food.
Select a flavour that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in
Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get
hard.
A letter to the editor of the Columbia (University) Daily Spectator:
We strongly object to this misrepresentation of the rally and
further, we take issue with the word minority. In our
opinion, and that of many others, minority is a derogatory
term that connotes inferiority and wrongly identifies people
of color as a sub-unit within this society.
How about differently-numbered?
Another sign spotted this weekend in Hot Springs, Arkansas:
A Wendys (fast food restaurant) had an outdoor advertising sign which said:
NOW HIRING
SAUSAGE BISCUIT 99 cents
Personally, if I were hired for a job where I was going to be eaten, Id want to be paid a lot more than that! 🙂
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six. One to screw in the lightbulb and five to fend off all those Californians trying to share the experience.
A husband and wife were fighting about their sex life.
You never even tell me when youre having an orgasm! he yelled.
How can I? she shot back. Youre never here!