Old and New Jokes

I bought that truck new.
I won this belt buckle in the rodeo.
I was just helping that sheep get over the fence.

Smarties
Crispy Crunch & Coffee Crisp
The size of our footballs fields and one less down.
Baseball is Canadian
Lacrosse is Canadian
Hockey is Canadian
Basketball is Canadian
Apple pie is Canadian
Mr. Dress-up vs. Mr. Rogers
Tim Hortons vs. Dunkin Donuts
In the war of 1812, which was started by Americans, Canadians pushed the Americans WAY back … past the White House. Then we burned it … and most of Washington. All of this was done under the command of William Lyon McKenzie who was insane and hammered all the time. We got bored because they ran away, so we came home and partied … go figure!
Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany.
We have the largest English population that never ever surrendered or withdrew during any war to anyone, anywhere.
Our civil war was only a bar fight that lasted a little over an hour.
The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary, who slept-in and missed the whole thing … but showed up just in time to get caught.
We knew plaid was cool far before Seattle caught on.
The Hudsons Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earths surface and is still around as the worlds oldest company
The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown American in under 3 minutes.
We still know what to do with all the parts of a buffalo.
We dont marry our kin-folk.
Kentucky Fried Chicken founder, Colonel Harland Saunders abandoned the USA and came North to retire in Canada (Mississauga, Ontario).
We may say eh a lot but we know how to pronounce ROOF!!!
We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, velcro, zippers, insulin, penicillin, zambonis, the telephone and short wave radios that save countless lives each year.
We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.
BUT MOST IMPORTANT! … The handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands with mitts on.

A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blond are sitting in a doctors office, talking about what sex of child they are going to have.

The Brunette says I am going to have a boy because I was on top when having sex.

The Redhead replied I am going to have a girl because I was on the bottom while having sex.

Then the Blond says hesterically Oh my God, I am going to have puppies.

The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational. Jim answered, Weve got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in. There was a stony silence for a second or two.

Do you know who you are speaking to?

No, said Paddy.

It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately referred to.

Well, do you know who you are talking to?

No, roared the colonel.

Well thank goodness for that, said Paddy as he hung up the phone.

If your porch collapses and kills more than 7 dogs. You just might be a redneck.

Lunes: Dieta del cucurucho: comer poco y follar mucho.

Martes: Dieta de Guido: igual que el cucurucho pero más seguido.

Miércoles: Dieta de Andrés: un polvito al derecho y otro al revés.

Jueves: Dieta de Benito: comer bien y echarse un polvito.

Viernes: Dieta de la granada: a la mañana un polvo y a la noche una gran mamada.

Sábado: Dieta de mingo: meterla el sábado y no sacarla hasta el domingo.

Domingo: Día libre, follar sin límite.

NOTA: Cualquier menú se puede reemplazar por la dieta del capataz: comenzar por delante y terminar por detrás.

Joe was moderately successful in the career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. The good news is I can cure your headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.



Joe was shocked and depressed, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. After the operation, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a mens clothing store and thought, Thats what I need, a new suit.



He entered the shop and told the salesman, Id like a new suit. The salesman eyed him briefly and said, Lets see, size 44 long? Joe laughed, Thats right, how did you know?. Its my job. replied the salesman. Joe tried on the suit, it fitted perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, How about a new shirt? Joe thought for a moment and then said, Sure!. The salesman eyed Joe then said, Lets see, 34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck.. Joe was surprised, Thats right, how did you know?. Its my job. came the familiar reply. Joe tried on the shirt, and it fitted perfectly. The salesman asked, How about new shoes?. Joe was on a roll and agreed. The salesman eyed Joes feet and said, Lets see, nine-and-a-half? Joe was astonished, Thats right, how did you know?. Its my job. said the salesman again. Joe tried on the shoes and they fitted perfectly. He walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, How about some new underwear? Joe thought for a second and said, Sure, why not. The salesman stepped back, eyed Joes waist and said, Lets see, size 36. Joe laughed smugly, No, Ive worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.



The shocked salesman shook his head, You cant possibly wear a size 34! It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!

Four farmers were seated at the bar in a tavern. At the table next to them sat a young girl.

The first man said, I think its WOOMB.



The second replied, No, it must be WOOOOMBH.



The third said, You both have it wrong — its WOOM.



The fourth stated, No, it has to be WOOMMMMBBB.



At this, the young lady could stand it no longer. She got up, walked over to the farmers and said, Look, you hayseeds, its WOMB. Thats it, thats all there is to it. Then she left.



Eventually, one of the farmers broke the silence by saying, Well, I dont know. A slip of a girl like that, I dont see how she could know. Ill bet shes never even heard an elephant fart!

In February 1994 in New Brighton, Minn., a 32-year-old man and his 24-year-old girlfriend were arrested after a food fight in a grocery store. After arguing loudly, the couple began throwing sweet potatoes at each other. Eventually, the man allegedly threw the woman into several vegetable racks, sending the contents spilling to the floor. As both continued to brawl on the floor, she allegedly stuffed lettuce into the mans mouth.

1. Enter the stall. Shower for about 3 minutes, then scream really loudly,

exclaiming, I didnt know I had one of THOSE!

2. Enter the stall, fully clothed. Do not undress and make sure you clothes

get all wet & soapy. Complain when leaving the bathroom that your shirt

tends to bleed all over.

3. Ask Scottie to beam you up.

4. Enter the stall, undress and then re-dress up as Superman. Leap out of

the stall, vengefully vow to stop Lex Luthors evil plot, then run full

force into the wall. Stand up, shake your head, and proceed to take your

shower.

5. Bring a bottle of fake blood or ketchup into the shower with you. Exclaim

Ow, you know, it really hurts when you pop one of those. Then let the

blood/ketchup seep down the drain for all to see.

6. Look over the edge to the person showering next to you, giggle, and then

return to your side, whistling the tune Its a Small World After All.

7. Bring in a rubber chicken. Get it all soapy, then toss in into the next

stall. Demand that the person in that stall returns it to you, or you will

cast a voodoo curse on them. The next day, hang the chicken from the

bathroom lighting fixtures by a noose and stick numerous pins and forks

in it.

8. Have a seizure. Bang against the walls of the stall really hard. Try to

knock them down. If anyone later asks if you are okay, just say that you had

some Mexican Jumping Fava Beans and they were reacting negatively with your

stomach.

9. Bring a chunk of sodium metal. Leave it in the stall for the next person

showering.

10. Bring a balloon into the shower. Make the balloon squeak for the

duration of your bathing experience. Then pop it, and fall to the ground.