Old and New Jokes

Theres 4 people on a plane and one is the smartest man in the world, ones a hippie, ones the president and one is britney spears. the plane is about to crash and theres only three parachutes so the president says, I think i deserve a parachute, afterall, i am the president. So he takes the parachute and jumps out of the plane. Next britney spears says, I think i should use the next parachute afterall, i am britney spears. so she jumped out of the plane. then there was only the hippie and the smartest man. They were debating who should use the next parachute and the hippie said, i dont think we have to worry about anything like that, britney spears just jumped out with my backpack. and they jumped out of the plane.

Whats the difference between American pilots and Iraqi pilots?

American pilots break ground and fly into the wind.

The next time your co-workers get on your nerves & you have just had it with them, do what I do…

Tell them to alphebetize their m&ms
Tell them there is a Morons Anonymous meeting at 5 in the middle lane of 101
Leave a wet lollipop on their chair
Follow them home, freak them out a little
Keep telling them what a hard worker you are
Ask to borrow a report and tear out a couple pages
Remind them that their freckles could be cancerous
Comment on their weight gain
Send anonymous letters
Dont Flush

Why dont skeletons ever go out on the town?

Because they dont have any body to go out with…

A dyslexic walks into a bra….

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a blood thirsty group of cannibals. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, Oh God, Im doomed!

There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out: No my son, you are NOT doomed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.

So the explorer picks up the stone and attacks the chief, feverishly bashing at his head with all his strength. He stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 cannibals with a look of shock on their faces.

The voice booms out again: Okay . . . . NOW youre doomed.

Bartender looks down to the end of the bar and sees a guy with his head down who hasnt touched his drink for over a half an hour. He heads over to talk to him. Hey pal, is something wrong?

Yeah,… Im really depressed

Why, whats the matter?

I caught my wife in bed with my best friend

Wow, thats horrible. What did you do?

I kicked her out of the house, sent her packing its over

Thats pretty drastic, what did you do to your best friend?

I sat him down… tied him up… looked him straight in the eye… and said… Bad Dog! Bad Dog!

Two programmers were walking along the street. They saw a beautiful blonde not far away and one of them said, Too bad that girls have no standard interface.



They have, replied the other programmer, but there is no standard way to get to it.

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Glasgow edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Glasgow. If you have one of the Glasgow editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The Glasgow edition may be recognised by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDAES 98 with a background picture of a Whisky bottle superimposed on a Clydebank flag. It is shipped with a Bells screen saver.



Also note:

The Recycle Bin is labelled Bog

Dialup Networking is called Ma Mates

Control Panel is known as How Tae Fuck Aboot Wi The Settins

Hard Drive is referred to as Big Disk

Floppies are Them Wee Plastic Fuckers.



And instead of an error message, you get a windae covered with an empty Whisky bottle.



Other features:

OK = its aww-right

cancel = fuck off

reset = whit yoo aw aboot

yes = aye

no = nay fuckin chance

find = get it yer fuckin sel

go to = orr therr

help = ah cannae dae it

stop = gies fuckin peace

start = fuckin move

settings = settins

programs = stuff at does stuff

documents = ma shit



Also note that Windaes 98 does not recognise capital letters or punctuation marks.



Some programs that are exclusive to WINDAES 98:

tiperiter = a word processor

cullerin book = a graphics program

addin mershene = calculator

scratch paper = notepad (usually unused)

sounds = CD player

porn = Microsoft Internet Explorer

pikchers = a graphics viewer



We regret any inconvenience it may have cause if you received a copy of the Glasgow edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

If everything seems to be going right,

youve obviously overlooked something.