Old and New Jokes

En el circo, el presentador, con voz fuerte y emotiva, anuncia la principal atracción de la noche:

Señoras y señores, niños y niñas, a continuación y para cerrar nuestra función de esta noche presentamos… ¡Al Gran Bertinni!

Bajo los reflectores, aparece un hombre de complexión delgada y atlética, mientras el presentador continúa hablando:

El Gran Bertinni saltará desde un trampolín colocado a una altura de 50 metros y caerá dentro de un barril de agua.

Dicho esto, el Gran Bertinni se lanza, da una voltereta en el aire y cae dentro del barril. Al instante, sale alzando los brazos en señal de victoria. El público, sorprendido, estalla en un sinfín de aplausos y ovaciones.

A continuación, el Gran Bertinni saltará desde un trampolín a una altura de 75 metros y caerá dentro de un balde de agua.

Entonces, el Gran Bertinni se lanza, da dos volteretas en el aire y cae dentro del balde. Inmediatamente sale alzando los brazos en señal de victoria. Otra vez, el público, pasmado, estalla en un mar de aplausos y ovaciones.

A continuación, el Gran Bertinni saltará desde un trampolín a una altura de 100 metros y caerá sobre una toalla mojada.

El público grita entusiasmado. Bertinni sube parsimoniosamente la interminable escalera. Al llegar al final del trampolín brinca y da tres volteretas en el aire… ¡Plaf! Un sonido fuerte y seco enmudeció el circo. De inmediato, Bertinni se levanta, todo magullado y lleno de sangre, reclamando:

¿Quién #&%*@ fue el que secó la toalla?

Un importante funcionario de una entidad financiera local, llama por teléfono a su casa:

¿Aló, mi reina? ¿Cómo estás, mi amor? ¿Bien? Qué bueno, y dime ¿los niños están bien? Perfecto ¿Almorzaron todo?… ¿Sí?… ¡Qué gusto! Dime, chiquita ¿qué cocinaste hoy?… Uyyyy ¡Ravioles!… Mi plato preferido, mi cielo. Por eso te adoro, y dime, ¿todo tranquilo por casa?…. ¿sí? Oye, ¿me prometes que hoy en la noche te pondrás ese babydoll negro, ese que es totalmente transparente?… ¿Sí?… Gracias cosita, por eso te amo tanto… Al ratito te veo ¿sí, mi amor? Ahora… comunícame con la señora, ¿sí?

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.



Sidney thought of everything, she told them. Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. Tillie, he told me, I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace.



What was in the envelopes? her friends asked.



The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, Please use this money to buy a nice casket. So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.



The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, Please use this for anice funeral I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending.



And the third envelope? asked her friends.

The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, Please use this to buy a nice stone.



Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said…

So, do you like my stone? showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.

Aman walks into a doctors and says



Doctor,Doctor i have a strewbery stuck up my ass





The doctor replies





Here have some cream.

This young couple got married and decided to honeymoon in Miami Beach, FL.

With limited resources, they decided to take a bus to Florida from New York City.

On the first day, the bus got as far as Delaware and it broke down. The bus company agreed to put the passengers up at a nearby motel. The young husband was most eager to consummate the marriage during that evening but, the young wife said, No. We must wait till we start our honeymoon in Miami Beach.

The next morning, the got back on the bus but, in South Carolina, the bus breaks down again. Again, the bus company agrees to put the passengers up at a local motel.

With more urgency, the young groom wants to consummate the marriage, but the young wife says, Not until we start our honeymoon in Miami Beach.

The next morning, they got back on the bus and, in Jacksonville FL, the bus breaks down for the third time. Once again, the bus company paid for a motel. They are hardly in the room a minute when the young bride tears off her clothes and his and pent up sex runs rampant.

After they are lying in bed, the young groom asks of the young bride, How is it, that after wanting to wait until the honeymoon starts in Miami Beach, you threw out all of the delays?

The young bride says to young groom, I was listening to the two people sitting in back of us and they said, by the time we get to Miami Beach, the fucking season will be over

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbors pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbors house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, Did you hear that Fluffy died? The guy stammers and says, Um…no…um…what happened?. The neighbor replies, We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!

[Saw this in the local comic strip Adventures in Cartooning]

Question on an application form for a fictional newspaper:

5. You have the choice of saving a drowning man or getting a
Pulitzer Prize winning photograph. What type film would you use?

He replies, Yes we do. Would you like to buy some? She responds, No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?

Why do blondes drive BMWs?

Because they can spell it.

Un matrimonio sueco, ambos catires y ojos azules, con sus respectivos padres catires y ojos azules, y sus respectivos ocho abuelos rubios y ojos azules, tienen un niño de piel negra, pelo chicha y con los ojos como aguarapaos.

El padre, picao, se hace la prueba de paternidad, y el médico les confirma que el hijo es legítimo. Ante las reclamaciones del padre, que no lo podía entender, el doctor

les explica:

Bien, estamos ante un evidente caso de la enfermedad de Kodak: vagina grande, pene pequeño, entra la luz y se vela el niño.