A husband and wife go off to bed. As soon as they settle down, the man leans over and whispers softly hey snuggle boopy boops, your little hubby wubby isnt quite ready for nite-nite yet.
The wife takes the hint and says OK, but I have to use the bathroom first.So off she goes, but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up concerned. Oh my little hunny bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right? No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad sex for two hours.Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.Her husband looks over and grunts, clumsy bitch.

Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket. How are three people going to travel on only one ticket? asked an accountant.Watch and youll see, answered an engineer.

They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, Ticket, please. The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea.

So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didnt buy a ticket at all. How are you going to ride without a ticket? said one perplexed accountant.Watch and youll see, answered an engineer. When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding.

He knocked on the door and said, Ticket, please.

Theres this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, Come on man, I was just joking. Here, Ill buy you another drink. I just cant see a man crying.

No, its not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing.

I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab.

I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.

A classic Newlywed Game question:

From YOUR bedroom window, does the sun rise in the North,
South, East or West?

Most of them got it wrong.

Mike Godfrey

A few months ago, there was an opening with theCIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and theres a lotof testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for theposition. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training andtesting, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only oneposition was available. The day came for the final test to see whichpeson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took oneof the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you willfollow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Insidethis room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and killher." The man looked horrified and said, "You cant beserious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said theCIA man, "youre definitely not the right man for this job then." So they brought the second man to the same doorand handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter whatthe circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you willfind your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." Thesecond man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. Allwas quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the roomwith tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldnt pull the triggerand shoot my wife. I guess Im not the right man for the job." "No," the CIA man replied, "Youdont have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Now they only had the woman left to test.They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances;this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Takethis gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the dooreven closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after anotherfor 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing,and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all wentquiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweatfrom her brow and said, "You guys didnt tell me the gun was loaded withblanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"

A little girl walked daily to and from school. Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trip to school. As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning.

The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school, and she herself feared that the electrical storm might harm her child. Following the roar of thunder, lightning, like a flaming sword, would cut through the sky. Full of concern, the mother quickly got in her car and drove along the route to her childs school.

As she did so, she saw her little girl walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up and smile.

Another and another were to follow quickly, each with the little girl stopping, looking up and smiling. Finally, the mother called over to her child and asked, What are you doing?

The child answered, Smiling. God just keeps taking pictures of me.

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife. Please describe, said his attorney, the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wifes fidelity.

Well, Im pretty much on the road all week, the man testified. So naturally when I am home, Im attentive to the wife.

One Sunday morning, he continued, we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, Cant you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?

Security experts and federal government authorities warn that offspring of the dangerous e-mail virus are now on the loose. As a public service, we present the following list of I Love You variations and how to recognize them:

The I Love You, But Im Shy virus never actually invades your computer but collects data about it worshipfully from afar.
The Unrequited Love virus causes your computer to be so obsessed with a virus-a virus that it can never have-that it can no longer function.
The Love The One Youre With virus hangs around your computer, but the whole thing is just temporary until it can find the computer that it really wants to invade.
The Cant We Just Be Friends virus makes your computer think its interested in invading. Then, just when your computer is getting excited about the invasion, it breaks off the connection with your computer, dashing its hard drive against the rocks.
The One Night Stand virus invades your computer, turns its hard drive upside down, then disappears after promising to come back sometime. But it leaves a twenty in your online bank account.
The Happily Married virus invades only one computer and stays with it for life.
The Unhappily Married virus spends a long time negotiating with a computer, finally invades it, and then strays to other computers from time to time.
The I Cant Commit virus hangs around a computer for a long time and frequently sends messages that it intends to invade, but is really just interested in playing with your computers data.
The Its Just A Physical Thing virus invades your computer on a regular basis, but no meaningful data is ever exchanged.
The I Want A Divorce virus sends repeated, hard-to-read messages that your computer is never turned on, then finally leaves. But it returns some time later and takes half of your computers best data in an ugly network session.
The Little Virus Of The Evening virus will do anything to your computer – if youre willing to pay the right price.
The Stalker virus spends unnatural amounts of time monitoring your computer, collecting data your computer has thrown away and trying to record its most intimate functions.
The Forever Single virus causes your computer to focus solely on other computers that are totally incompatible with it.
The Deadbeat Dad virus invades your computer, spawns an entirely new database, then refuses to help update it as it grows.
The Married Too Long virus splits your PC into two partitions that never interface-one that does too much online shopping and one that never does anything except monitor espn.com.

Morning. Uh, just to help you cope until you wake up:

Feet. They are the frayed bits at the end of your legs. They go on the floor.

Hands. Also frayed, but somewhat different. Lets see, how do we sort this one? I know; stand up. Can you touch the floor with your nose without falling? Right, in that case your hands and feet are mixed up. Pick your hands up _after_ youve put your feet on the floor. Glad weve got that sorted. Now your hands will come in handy (just my little pun) for all sorts of things. Lifting your nightie so you dont pee on the hem. Holding the kettle under the tap while you try to remember what you are doing. Closing the curtains before the sunlight burns out your retinas. The main use for hands is to fend off any walls, doors, hatstands, or other predators which will attack without notice.

Ears. Best left off until you are fully awake. Nothing will sound right, and youll spend far too much time worrying about the ominous creak which is in fact a wind-up alarm clock three blocks away.

Nose. Doesnt work. Probably just as well, as you now have to go to the bathroom to make smells.

Eyes. Enable you to perform rudimentary tasks like steering (almost) round the open door, and checking whether the – too late – seat is down.

Okay, now we are going to deal with some of the more technical aspects of morning. Remember I said something about a kettle? You dont? No, of course not, you havent woken up yet. Sorry. Right, kitchen, now! Can you see the sink? Stainless steel, perfect for reflecting the sunlaaargh shut the curtains quick. Dont worry, it was a very brief exposure, no permanent damage.

Where were we? Oh yes, the sink. At the moment its probably a black spot. Somewhere near that black spot is a kettle. White plastic, about 12 inches tall, handle on one side, spout opposite, and a lid on top which will resist all efforts to remove it until it is positioned just right to soak you. Yes, just like that. Now fill it up again. Half way. No problem, just pour some out again. Dont worry, just keep trying until you get it about halfway, up or down doesnt matter. Ill wait. Right, set it down on its base and turn it on. No, no, I didnt mean with terms of endearment or caresses. Somewhere near the handle is a switch. Keep looking for it until you hear a click. Fine, by the time youve done everything else the water will be ready.

Tricky bit, now. For this next stage you will need to find several items. First, a donut. Well, torus, anyway. Youve found one? Good. Hold it up to the light. If you can see through the hole eat it, if your fingers are in the hole its a cup. Of course, if youve just poured brown liquid down your front its last nights cup.

Next, a spoon. Teaspoon, to be precise. No, I dont know why it should be called a teaspoon when you are going to use it to make coffee. Lets see … Remember when you were little, when you were sick Mummy used to give you medicine to … Yes, it tasted absolutely disgusting. No, thats not why we want it now. Just trust me on this, please. Its for your own good. Your Mummy used to say that too, did she? Forget the spoon.

Now we need some coffee. Have a hunt round until you find a jar marked Nescafe. You cant focus yet? Not a problem. Take the lid off each jar in turn and sniff. Youll know the coffee when you find it. Thats right, racing heart, eyes doing back flips, and half a dozen neurons have just fired up of their own free will. Now put some coffee into the cup. This would have ben a lot easier with the spoon, but … No, please, I didnt mean it. We can manage just fine without the spoon. put a little bit of coffee on the palm of your hand, a little heap in the centre. Now pour that into the cup. Well done.

Next, sugar. Whats that, dear? No, I meant sugar, the stuff that makes things sweet. Yes, exactly like you, dear. To avoid further traumatisation I think well avoid the S word and do this the same way as the coffee. Thats right, palm of the hand, then into the cup.

Now I want you to be very, very careful for this next bit. Do you remember the kettle? Thats right, under that cloud. Now lift the kettle by the handle and point the spout towards the cup. A little closer, I think. Now tilt the kettle until water flows into the cup. No, the other way, towards the cup. Woah. A bit too full. Pick the cup up and take it … Never mind, the shakes have done an admirable job of reducing the level.

Finally, milk. Look for a large, white cupboard with two doors, one above the other. Open the top door. Did a light come on? Not, not inside your head, that wont happen until after youve had the coffee. Good, then this is the fridge. Look for a bottle or carton with white liquid in it. It may have a picture of a cow, or a missing child. Or Grandad. Have they still not found him since he went to the sweet shop?

Okay, quick sniff. Not smell anything? Thats good; only off milk smells strong enough to get through to a dormant brain. Pour a little bit into the cup. Stir. With a … Never mind. Just drink it, your stomach will sort it out, Im sure.

Just in time, here come the children. What, you dont have any children? Wake up, youre having a bad dream. Come on, wake up!

Bernie was unfortunate enough to be hit by a truck and ended


up in the hospital. His best friend Morris came to visit him.

Bernie struggles to tell Morris, My wife Sadie visits me


three times a day. Shes so good to me. Every day, she reads


to me at the bedside.

What does she read? asks Morris.

My life insurance policy.