Drinkers Alphabet
A is for Alcohol :The key to surviving college
B is for Beer :The most disgusting alcohol of all, but great for chugging
C is for Class :What youre supposed to get up and go to after a Thursday night party
D is for Dancing :A favorite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks pathetic
E is for Emergency :The keg is empty or there is no one over 21 in your drinking party
F is for Fucked-Up :Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out
G is for Games :Anything that involves cards, dice and chugging beers
H is for Hang-over :Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you drank
I is for Idiot :The guy that spilled his beer on you and everyone else at the party
J is for Jail :Where youll end up after trying to use a fake ID or stagger home
K is for Kissing :What youll do to anything that moves after 15 beers
L is for Lord :Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving alcohol
M is for Money :That which you no longer have due to too much partying
N is for Not Again! :What you scream when you wake up beside someone you dont know
P is for Pee :What you have to do every five minutes while youre drinking beer
Q is for Quilt :What you puked on last night in bed and have to clean in the morning
R is for Reform :What you promise god you will do while youre puking in the toilet
S is for Sex :What you did with that person you met last night while you were drunk
T is for Ten :The number of beers it takes ME to get drunk
U is for Underage :Most of the drinking population in college town
V is for Vodka :The mother of all alcohols and the best way to get drunk in an hour
W is for Worm :The part of Tequila that reminds you of Biology class tomorrow
X is for X-Ray :How they can see into your stomach before they pump it
Y is for Yourself :The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every week-end
Z is for Zoned :How you will be for the next 12 hours following drinking
Hark! The Streptococcus Brings
(Melody: Hark! The Herald = Angels Sing)
Hark! the Streptococcus brings
Strep sore throat to all who sing,
Chloraseptic doesnt cure it
Other peoples sneezing lures it.
If the strep bug has a virus
Scarlet fever then arises,
Cross reaction with the heart
Causes it to come apart,
Hark! the Streptococcus totes,
Toxin and fire to all it smotes.
Pneumonia makes you cough and wheeze,
Mucus fills the lungs with sleaze
A viscous greenish oozing cloak,
That causes you to gasp and choke
Without water you can drown
If you breathe the strep germ down
Hark! The Streptococcus breeds
The misery of a bad disease
Of fecal strep in food beware,
Methane gas befouls the air,
Speedily you drop your pants
As if they held live fire ants
On the toilet you are dying
Bent in pain, guts liquefying
Hail! the Streptococcus means
Glory to those who would be lean
A little humility is arrogance.
Condom that doubles as a self-inflating hot-air balloon (with reservoir tip)
The Cartman – an anal probe that facilitates otherwise impossible ski moves
Palm Pilot to distract bad guys with that hilarious Top 5 List
Condom coated with truth serum
Can of whoop-ass disguised as a Diet Coke
Miniature caulking gun for holes in the plot
Giant foam hand that says British Secret Service #1!
Viagra Martini: for when hes shaken, not stirred
Really grippy pliers
Cool British sports car that — get this — actually *runs*!
and Topfive.coms Number 1 Cool New Gadget Used by James Bond…
Whatever it is, I bet a cheap plastic replica of it will fit in a Happy Meal.
Rumination of the Day: If you get a headache while in church, that means that God is trying to see what youre thinking. Contrary to logic, you should not make things easier by yelling to God, So why didnt the Thundercats have their own theme park?
(Dakota Shepard)
Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A: Tits Go In Front.
Q: Whats the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?
A: In Virginia, moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia its a misdemeanor.
A young man approached his family physician and said, Doc, Im afraid youll have to remove my wifes tonsils one of these days.
My good man, replied the doctor, I removed them six years ago. Did you ever hear of a woman having two sets of tonsils?
No, the husband retorted, but youve heard of a man having two wives, havent you?
Probably an old joke, but it was new to me:
Sam and Susan were invited to a costume party. Susan went out and rented
costumes for the both of them. However, when the time came for the party,
Susan wasnt feeling well and Sam went on alone.
A few hours later, Susan began to feel better and decided to go on to the
party. She realized that while she knew Sam was in a gorilla suit, he had
never seen her costume, and decided to go and see what he got up to while
he was alone.
She arrived and observed him dancing closely with a series of beautiful
women. She approached him and began flirting, and soon they were taking
a walk in the woods alone. They then undressed in the darkness and had
sex.
She got home before her husband and when he arrived, she was in bed. She
asked him, How was the party?
He replied Oh, the usual – you know I
never have much fun at these things alone.
Didnt you even dance? she
asked.
No, I sat in the den all night playing cards. The guy I lent my
costume to had a ball, though…
Two men are sitting on a riverbank fishing. Suddenly, they look up and see a funeral procession going over the nearby bridge. One of the men takes off his cap and solemnly holds it over his heart.
That was a nice gesture, says the other man
Oh, replies the first man, It was the least I could do, after all we were married for 25 years â€.
When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.