Old and New Jokes

1: St. Peter gards the key to heaven. And Jesus died before St. Peter did. So when Jesus came up to heaven, he couldnt even get in!

2: So thats why he came back, to pick up the key!

You might be a redneck if…
You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.

This is a job application that we all wish we submitted to any fast-food establishment…NAME: Greg BulmashDESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatevers available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldnt be applying here in the first place.DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If thats not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.EDUCATION: Yes.LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.SALARY: Less than Im worth.MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but theyre better suited to a more intimate environment.MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be Do you have a car that runs?HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks Im the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, Id like to be doing that now.DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

* If at first you dont succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

* Experience is something you dont get until just after you need it.

* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

* He who hesitates is probably right.

* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

* No one is listening until you make a mistake.

* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

* The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

* Two wrongs are only the beginning.

* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

* The sooner you fall behind, the more time youll have to catch up.

* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

* If you must choose between two evils, pick the one youve never tried before.

* Change is inevitable….except from vending machines.

* Dont sweat petty things….or pet sweaty things.

* A fool and his money are soon partying.

* Money cant buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.

* Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

* Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!

* If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

* How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands….

* Attempt to get a new car for your spouse….itll be a great trade!

* Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least its the scenic route.

* Id kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

* Everybody repeat after me….We are all individuals.

* Death to all fanatics!

* Guests who kill talk show hosts….On the last Geraldo.

* Chastity is curable, if detected early.

* Dont be sexist; broads hate that!

* Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

* Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

* Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

* Eagles may soar, but weasels arent sucked in jet engines.

* Borrow money from pessimists….they dont expect it back.

* Beware of geeks bearing gifs.

* Half the people you know are below average.

* 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

* 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

* A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

And finally….

* If at first you dont succeed, then skydiving definitely isnt for you

Worried because they hadnt heard anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son,

Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Goldberg is?

A few minutes later, Timmy returned.

Well, asked Mrs. Silver, is she all right?

Shes fine, except that now shes angry with you.

At me? the woman exlaimed. Whatever for?

She said Its none of your business how old she is.

A bloke walks into a butchers and says to the butcher are you a betting man?

Yes replied the butcher.

Well I bet you a tenner you cant reach those pieces of meat up on that wall

Im not taking that on says the butcher

I thought you were a betting man says the bloke

I am, … but the steaks are too high!

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is
smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg is frowning and looking a bit upset. The egg
mutters to no-one in particular, Well, I guess we
finally answered THAT question!

Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. Shetold them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammedthe door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact,bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the dooragain with the same result-the door bounced back open.Convinced these rude youngpeople were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that wouldteach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Maam, before you do that again, you needto move your cat."

Llega el director de la CIA muy apurado a ver al Presidente y le dice:

¡Señor presidente, hay que hacer algo…! Esos malditos rusos han enviado unas naves enormes a la Luna, y la están pintando de rojo…

¿Ah sí…? ¿Cuánto llevan pintado ya…?

¡Como una quinta parte, señor presidente…!

Está bien. Manténgame informado.

Un rato después llega el director de la CIA otra vez a todo correr:

¡Señor presidente…! ¡Ya llevan la mitad de la Luna pintada de rojo…!

Mantengamos la calma, señor director. Manténgame informado de sus avances.

Al rato, llega el director de la CIA todo desconsolado:

¡Señor presidente: los rusos acaban de pintar TODA la Luna de rojo…!

¿Toda?

¡Toda!

Muy bien. Llame a Cabo Cañaveral y dígales que envíen una nave cargada de pintura blanca, para que le pinten encima: Tome Coca Cola.

Q. What is the definition of confusion?

A. Two blind lesbians in a fish market.