Yo mama so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.

Two ten-year-old children were exactly opposites: Bill was a die-hard optimist, and Bob a hopeless pessimist.

The mom asked the psychiatrist what to do about Christmas. The doctor told her to buy all the toys she could for Bob and get Bill nothing. In fact, he said just to wrap up some manure for Bill to break down his hopes even more.

Christmas morning, Mom came downstairs and found the twins by the tree. She asked Bob what Santa had brought him.

A B.B. gun, but Ill probably hit someone in the eye and blind him. And a bicycle, but Ill probably get run over and killed while riding it. And an electric train, but Ill probably electrocute myself, said Bob.

Realizing it wasnt going very well, the mom turned to Bill and asked what he got. Im not sure!! he replied, I think I got a pony, but I havent been able to find him yet!!

Q: How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two, one to change it and one to phone round and cancel the party they were going to have to celebrate the old one burning brightly for 50 years.

Q: How many NBC news producers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, one to drill a hole in the light bulb so it blows up when he turns it on, one to film it, and one to insist on the truth of the report despite the manipulation.

A trucker who had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill and was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center road, making love.

He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them.

Realizing that they were not about to get out of his way he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.

Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walked to the front of the cab and looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, What the hells the matter with you two?

Didnt you hear me blowing the horn? You couldve been killed!

The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up and said, Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes.

Un abogado distinguido murió y sus familiares decidieron incinerarlo, pero como el dinero no les alcanzaba decidieron hacer una colecta. Cuando se acercan a pedir la colaboración de una persona, ésta depositó en la urna tan sólo un peso.

¿Sólo un peso?, preguntó el recolector, ¿Sólo un peso para incinerar a un abogado?

A lo que el hombre contestó:

¡Ah!… ¿es para incinerar a un abogado?. Ten 500 pesos para que incineres a 20 abogados.

Resulta que Manolo se encuentra durmiendo, cuando de pronto suena su teléfono a las 3 de le mañana; todo desvelado y con sueño contesta:

¿Hola?

Y una voz le dice: Ho…la…ya…sé…ha…blar.

Y Manolo todo furioso le contesta:

¡Qué, me llamas a las 3 de la mañana para decirme que ya aprendiste a hablar, desgraciada!

¡Es…que…soy…una…va…ca!

The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.



A creative fellow, he went out and collected from his buddies all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:



Dear Mary,



I can not remember which one is you … please keep YOUR photo and return the others!

17. If you are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcy

Spinster: A bachelors wife.