Old and New Jokes

What not to say to your wife.

Smile for me, its the second best thing you can do with your lips.

One Sunday morning a little girl in her Sunday best was running so she wouldnt be late for church.



As she ran she kept praying, Dear God, please dont let me be late to church.

Please dont let me be late to church….

As she was running she tripped and fell.



When she got back up she began praying again…



Please, God dont let me be late to church — but dont shove me either!



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One day a boy and hid father were walking through the woods when the son spotted some rabbit droppings.



The boy asked hid Dad, What are these Pop?

Theyre smart pills son, said his father.

Eat them and theyll make you smarter.



So he ate them and said, Yuck…these taste like poop!



See, said his father, youre already getting smarter!

This man is at work one day when he notices that his male co- worker is wearing an earring.



This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in fashion sense.



Yo, Bob, I didnt know you were into earrings.



Oh, yeah, sure, says Bob sheepishly.



Really? How long have you been wearing one?



Ever since my wife found it in our bed!

This cat is cat a cat good cat way cat to cat keep cat an cat idiot cat busy cat for cat 20 seconds cat.

Now read this again without the word cat.

One day a brunette mother walks in her daughters room, she sees a cigarette pack on the floor and says, I didnt know my daughter smoked.

The same day a redheaded mother is looking in her sons room and sees a beer bottle on the floor and says, I didnt know my son drank.

The same day, a blonde mother is in her daughters room and sees a condom on the floor and says, I didnt know my daughter had a penis!

A small company was on the edge of bankruptcy. The owner summoned his two-man sales force into his office. Things arent going too well, guys, he announced grimly. So to perk up sales Im announcing a contest. The guy with the most sales gets a blow job.



What does the loser get? asked one of the salesmen.



The owner looked at both men and said, The loser gets to give it.

Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady.

The city-slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, Lady, Ill give you $10 for a blow job.

The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city-slicker on the spot.

The lady gasped and said, Thank you, suh, for defendin mah honor!

Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, Your honor, hell! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of women in Texas!

Jam 29 tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
Use your mastercard to pay your visacard.
Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
When someone says, Have a nice day, tell them you have other plans.
Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
Forget weighless and send yourself a candygram.
Make a list of Things to do that you have already done.
Dance naked in front of your pets.
Fill your tax returns in roman numerals.
Tatoo Out to lunch on your forehead.
Leaf through a National Geographical and draw underwear on the natives.
Go shopping, buy everything, sweat in it and return it the next day.
Pay your electricity bill in one cent pieces.
Drive to work in reverse.
Polish your car with ear wax.
Read a dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
Send your doctor a bill for the times you spend in his waiting room.
Start a nasty rumour and see if you recognise it when it comes back to you.
Braid the hair in each nostril.
Lie on your back eating celery, using your navel as a salt dipper.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I cannot accept,

And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off.

And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the arse that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100 percent at work… 12 percent on Monday, 23 percent on Tuesday, 40 percent on Wednesday, 20 percent on Thursday and 5 percent on Fridays.

And help me to remember that… When Im having a really bad day and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, That it takes 42 muscles to frown, And only four to extend my middle finger and tell them to swivel.