Thoroughly clean the toilet.
Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and lift both lids.
Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him to the bathroom.
In one smooth movement, put the cat into the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the top so he cannot escape.) CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the cat, as his paws will be reaching for anything they can find.
Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a power wash and rinse which I have found to be quite effective.
Have someone open the back door and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the garden.
Stand behind the toilet as much as you can and lift both lids quickly.
The freshly cleaned cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside, where he will dry himself. Sincerely, The Dog
There was a blonde and she went to get her hair cut. She went into the salon with headphones on and she wouldnt take them off. Soon she fell asleep. The lady took her headphones off and then left to get shampoo. When she came back the blonde was dead. The headphones were playing breathe in breathe out.
1. Stray cats will not be fed.
2. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.
3. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a little
milk.
4. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with warm
milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.
5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence.
6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and cuddled
unnecessarily.
7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely
not be given a name.
8. Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at any
time.
9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain times.
10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days ending in
"y."
11. Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their
claws on the furniture.
12. Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws on the
really good furniture.
13. Stray cats may be permitted on furniture but must sharpen claws on new
£59.99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three perches.
14. Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the dirt.
15. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece, high-impact
plastic tray filled with Fresh n Sweet kitty litter.
16. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan with a
three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.
17. Stray cats will sleep outside.
18. Stray cats will sleep in the garage.
19. Stray cats will sleep in the house.
20. Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket.
21. Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with non-allergenic
lambs wool pillow.
22. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.
23. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot.
24. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers.
Well it seems that there was some mixup in one of the local papers, and it said that Elvis would be ariving in Denver.
When the Pope landed, and got off the plane, threre was a large group of people chanting: Elvis … Elvis … Elvis.
No, no. Im not Elvis, stated the Pope, I am the Pope. When he gave a short speech, thre was still a large group of people chanting: Elvis … Elvis … Elvis.
No, he told the crowd, Im not Elvis.
The Pope was tired so he went back to his hotel room. When he got to his room, there were a bunch of scantly clad women. They started screaming Oh, look its Elvis!
To which the Pope replied Thank-you. Thank-you. Thank-you very much.
Reaching the end of a jobinterview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT what kind of a salary he was looking for. "Inthe neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, fullmedical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company carleased every 2 years…say, a red Corvette?" "Wow! Are you kidding?" "Yeah, but you started it."
Q: What do you call the fear of getting stuck in a chimney?
A: Santaclaustrophobia!
(I found this in rec.motorcycles, and thought you might like it.)
Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor
of journalism in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated,
it keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community.–Oscar Wilde
Starting monthly salary for US Marine…$984.60
One Bradley Fighting Vehicle…$3.16 million
Humanitarian aid for Iraq…$20 billion
Kickin back with the boys in Saddams Palace…priceless
Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother, For she was my fathers wife.
To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy.
I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother
To the widows grown-up daughter Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Fathers wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson, For he was my daughters son.
My wife is now my mothers mother And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife, Shes my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!
Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.