The other day I was on my way home from work when the most remarkable thing happened. Traffic was heavy as usual, and as I sat there at a red light, out of nowhere a bird slammed into my windshield. If that wasnt bad enough, the poor creature got its wing stuck under the windshield wiper.



Just then the light turned green and there I was with a bird stuck on my windshield. Without any other apparent options, turning on the windshield wipers seemed the only thing to do. It actually worked.



On the upswing, the bird flew off, and here is the crazy thing… it slammed right onto the windshield of the car behind me. No, it didnt get caught under the windshield wipers of that vehicle, but the car behind me was a police car.



Of course, knowing my luck, immediately the lights went on and I was forced to pull over. The officer walked up and told me he saw what had happened at the light. Trying to plead my case fell on deaf ears. He simply stated: I am going to have to write you up for flipping me the bird.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and kangaroo together?
Giant holes all over Africa!

Recently one of my friends was complaining about being bored stiff with
the daily routine. So heres my own solution to the problem
(with apologies to David Letterman).

10. Design and implement Ada++

9. Start a campaign to move the Grand Canyon out of Arizona

8. Yell nasty things to friendly neighborhood gangsters while jogging at 3 am

7. Make obscene phone calls to 1-900-FONE-SEX

6. Get to know the inside of your nose

5. Play tackle football with the Eagles defensive line

4. Suggest new alliances with Middle Eastern terrorist states to President Bush

3. Practice ventriloquism by saying Hit me at blackjack tables in Las Vegas

2. Research material for term paper The Musical Genius of Milli Vanilli

1. Ponder on the question that has stumped philosophers for years:
What makes teflon stick to the frying pan?

Gomer went into town for some R & R when he met up with a very attractive
young lady. After talking to Gomer for over an hour, she invited him to her
apartment for dinner. Upon arriving at the apartment, the lady laid down on
the bed and said,Do you know what I want? Gomer, looking confused, said
No. The lady then removed her clothes. Now do you know what I want? Gomer
shook his head. The lady then spread her legs slightly. Now do you know what
I want? Gomer again shook his head. The lady spread her legs as wide as she
could, her heels touching each side of the bed. NOW, do you know what I
want? Yes, maam, Gomer replied, Youre tired, you want to take a nap, and
you want the whole bed to yourself.

Be nice to your kids… they will pick out your nursing home someday!

Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency: Our largest condom factory has exploded, the Russian President cried. My peoples favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster! Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you, replied the President. I do need your help, said Yeltsin. Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over? Why certainly! Ill get right on it, said Bush. Oh, and one more small favor, please? said Putin. Yes? Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10 long and 4 in diameter? said Putin. No problem, replied the President and, with that, George Dubya hung up and called the President of Freecondoms.com. I need a favor, youve got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia. Consider it done, said the President of Freecondoms.com. Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10 long and 4 wide. Easily done. Anything else? Yeah, said the President, print MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE SMALL on each one.

10) You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom, and check your e-mail on the way back to bed. 9) Your firstborn is named Dotcom. 8) You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feeling of emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 7) You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop on your lap, and your child in the overhead compartment. 6) You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access. 5) You find yourself typing com after every period.com. 4) You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. 3) You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape. 2) You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : ) 1) Immediately after reading this list, you e-mail it to someone.

Why sex is better with sheep?

Theyre always in the mood.
Theyre constantly accessible.
When you finish screwing them, you can eat them.

A snail got mugged by two tortoises. When he went to the police, they questioned him as to what happened.
He said, I dont know, it all happened so fast!

(Jerry Wood on the Tonight Show)

You might be a redneck if…
When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.

10. Youre so tired you now answer the phone, Hell.

9. Your friends call to ask how youve been, and you immediately scream, Get off my back, bitch!

8. Your garbage can IS your in box.

7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just dont care.

6. You have so much on your mind, youve forgotten how to pee.

5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.

4. You sleep more at work than at home.

3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge.

2. You blasted your Daily Planner with a .357 Magnum a week ago, but still havent been able to miss a meeting.

1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.