Why sex is better with sheep?
Theyre always in the mood.
Theyre constantly accessible.
When you finish screwing them, you can eat them.
A snail got mugged by two tortoises. When he went to the police, they questioned him as to what happened.
He said, I dont know, it all happened so fast!
(Jerry Wood on the Tonight Show)
10. Youre so tired you now answer the phone, Hell.
9. Your friends call to ask how youve been, and you immediately scream, Get off my back, bitch!
8. Your garbage can IS your in box.
7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just dont care.
6. You have so much on your mind, youve forgotten how to pee.
5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.
4. You sleep more at work than at home.
3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge.
2. You blasted your Daily Planner with a .357 Magnum a week ago, but still havent been able to miss a meeting.
1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.
You might be a redneck if…
When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
Proctologist: A doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.
Proctologist: A brain surgeon for lawyers.
Proctologist: the rare profession in which the M.D. starts out at the bottom and stays there.
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasnt paying attention in class. She called on him and said, Johnny, what are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?
Little Johnny quickly replied, NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you cant have your kayak and heat it, too.
You might be a redneck if…
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or what?)
Never write a line of code that someone else can understand.
Make the simplest line of code appear complex. Use long
counter intuitive names. Dont ever code a=b, rather do something
like:
AlphaNodeSemaphore=*(int)(&(unsigned long)(BetaFrameNodeFarm));
Type fast, think slow.
Never use direct references to anything ever. Bury everything in
macros. Bury the macros in include files. Reference those include
files indirectly from other include files. Use macros to reference
those include files.
Never include a comment that will help someone else understand your
code. If they understand it, they dont need you.
Never generate new sources. Always ifdef the old ones. Every binary
in the world should be generated from the same sources.
Never archive all the sources necessary to build a binary. Always
hide on your own disk. If they can build your binary, they dont
need you.
Never code a function to return a value. All functions must return a
pointer to a structure which contains a pointer to a value.
Never discuss things in concrete terms. Always speak in abstract. If
they can understand you, they dont need you.
Never complete a project on time. If you do, they will think it was
easy and anyone can do it and they dont need you.
When someone stops by your office to ask a question, talk forever
but dont answer the question. If they get their questions answered
they dont need you.
Load all sentences either written or spoken with alphabet soup. When
someone asks you out to lunch, reply:
I cant because Ive almost got my RISC-based OSI/TCP/IP
client connected by BIBUS VMS VAX using SMTP over TCP
sending SNMP inquiry results to be encapsulated in UDP
packets for transmission to a SUN 4/280 NFS 4.3 BSD with
release 3.6 of RPC/XDR supporting our ONC effort working.
Never clean your office. Absolutely never throw away an old listing.
Never say hello to someone in hallway. Absolutely never address
someone by name. If you must address someone by name, mumble or use
the wrong name. Always maintain the mystique of being spaced out
from concentrating on complex logic.
Never wear a shirt that matches your pants. Wear a wrinkled shirt
whenever possible. Your shirt must never be tucked in completely.
Button the top button without wearing a tie. This will maximize your
mystique.
How many lawyers does it take to plaster a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
One day at the end of class little Johnnys teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand.
My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.
The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, Dont keep all your eggs in one basket.
Next is little Lucy. Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched.
The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies Dont count your eggs before theyre hatched.
Last is little Johnny. My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands.
Teacher looks in shock at Johnny and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.
Johnny replies, Dont fuck with uncle Ted when hes been drinking!