What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

Two orthodox Jews went to Pincus the tailor for new suits. Listen, Pincus, one said, the last suits you made for us were sort of gray. We want black suits, the darkest black cloth that we can get.

See this cloth? Pincus said, fingering a bolt of fabric. This is the stuff they make nuns habits from. There aint no blacker cloth.

A few weeks later, the two men were walking down the street in their new suits when they passed two nuns. Impulsively, one of the men went up to the nuns and matched his suit against their habits. Becoming angry, he muttered something to his friend and they both walked off.

What did that man want? one nund asked the other.

I dont know, the second replied. He looked at my garment, said something in Latin and left.

What did he say?

He said, Pinkus Fucktus.

MONA LISAS MOTHER: After all that money your father and I spent on braces, thats the biggest smile you can give us?

COLUMBUS MOTHER: I dont care what youve discovered, you still could have written!

MICHELANGELOS MOTHER: Cant you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?

NAPOLEONS MOTHER: All right, if you arent hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me.

ABRAHAM LINCOLNS MOTHER: Again with the stovepipe hat? Cant you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?

MARYS MOTHER: Im not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you.

ALBERT EINSTEINS MOTHER: But its your senior picture. Cant you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something…?

GEORGE WASHINGTONS MOTHER: The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!

JONAHS MOTHER: Thats a nice story. Now tell me where youve really been for the last forty years.

THOMAS EDISONS MOTHER: Of course Im proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!

PAUL REVERES MOTHER: I dont care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew.

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, How many children do you have?

Ten, she replied.

What are their names? he asked.

LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy, she answered.

Theyre all named LeRoy? he asked What if you want them to come in from playing outside?

Oh, thats easy, she said. I just call LeRoy, and they all come running in.

And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?

I just say, LeRoy, come eat your dinner, she answered.

But what if you just want ONE of them to do something? he asked.

Oh, thats easy, she said. I just use their last name!

THE QUARTERBACK SNEAK: People who leave Mass before its over without grave reason.DRAFT CHOICE: Choose a seat near the back door.DRAW PLAY: What many children (and not a few adults) do with their bulletins during Mass.BENCH WARMER: Those whose only participation is their attendance at Sunday Mass.BACKFIELD IN MOTION: Making two or three trips outside the Church during Mass.STAY IN THE POCKET: What happens to a lot of money that ought to go to the Church.SUDDEN DEATH: The penalty to the priest who preaches more than twenty minutes.THE BLITZ: The mad stampede for the doors as the Iconastasis doors are closed.

Q: What do you call a mule that isnt very smart?

A: A stupid mule.

gavinfx@yahoo.com

Children in the back of the car cause accidents. Accidents in the back of the car cause children.

Sir is comfortably seated in an armchair in the library, reading a newspaper. John has just brought in coffee, when a loud screech echoes through the room, followed shortly by a terrific thud.

Sir looks up. What was that dreadful noise?

John steps over to the window and carefully looks from behind the curtains.

Sir, a car just took a right turn.

John, no car in the world would make such noise just for taking a right turn!

Sir, indeed, but you see, there was no street to the right.

KGB colonel Petrofiev calls srg. Iliushin into his office. At your service, comrade colonel.

Comrade Iliushin, go tell Ivan this is his last chance. Unless he tells us where the treasure is, I will kill his wife and his daughter, burn his fingers, pop out his eyes, cut his ears, smash his balls and when I get tired ot tormenting him I will give his heart to my dog.

Srg. Iliushin rushes to the dark cell where Ivan lays on the floor already beaten to death.

Dear Ivan, I did everything I could but Im affraid they are very determined and this is the last offer they are going to make. Either you tell them the place you keep the gold and they will set you free or they will kill your family, burn your fingers, pop out your eyes, smash your balls and when they get tired theyll make your heart dog-food.

Ivan half death, scared out of his pants and fearing for his family, whispers with a painful grin he keeps the gold under his tent.

The next moment Sgt. Iliushin rushes to Col. Petrofievs office: Comrade colonel, I ask your permision to report.

Permsion granted. What did Ivan say?

Comrade colonel, excuse me, but he said to go fuck yourself.

And this is for a bonus:

The Annual Bartenders Conference has just voted the cocktail of the year: Vodka and Carrot Juice. The main argument was that when you get drunk at least you can see better.

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesnt serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar! The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, Got any nails? Confused, the bartenders says no. Good! says the duck. Got any grapes?