Old and New Jokes

What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?In the end, someone is going to lose a trailer.

Dont sweat the petty things, and dont pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
One nice thing about egotists: They dont talk about other people.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Women like silent men, they think theyre listening.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If youre born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why is it called tourist season if we cant shoot at them?

Obsessive cyberflirt, actually 47 years old and hasnt left her house in weeks but feels loved because she has 300 AOLers chasing her.
Odinist Mafiosi dominatrix gangsters moll, in Norway and bored because she hasnt shed any blood in THREE DAYS, let alone killed anyone.
Cyberspace Jaye Davidson, considers himself trapped in a mans body but wont admit it.
Illiterate bimbo, knows how to use the SHOUT command on MUDs and nothing else.
Smirking college student who thinks its so fun to tease men, and does nothing but IRC on #hotsex because shes the star of the show. Uses the name of one of her sorority sisters so that the losers who track her down dont pester HER.
AOL hacker-wannabe. Will sleep with anyone who can tell her about Kevin Mitnick.
Bored grad students AI routine blonde.c
Kibo.
Achmed Darsein, who is cleverly disguising himself as a woman in order to learn about the USA and blow up the World Trade Center again. Your first clue should be that he refers to Clinton as The Great Satan. Also makes frequent references to his veil.
Rush Limbaughs new wife, who is already quite fed up with him and spends all her time online because Rush cant stop flapping his jaw. Your first clue should be that she refers to Clinton as The Great Satan. Also makes frequent references to her husbands beer belly.

– by Sky Kruse

What is the thing that you keep on looking for and when you find it you throw it away?

A booger.

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh
largest country in the world, California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the
Californias third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and
livestock.

Baby conceived naturally… Scientists stumped.

Authentic year 2000 chad sells at Sothebys for $4.6 million.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American
Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan,
Syria, and Lebanon.)

Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least
ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported
legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Texas executes last remaining citizen.

Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows
so it crashes before installation is completed.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screw-drivers and
baseball bats must be registered by January 2036.

Lake County, Minn.

Residents of Lake Coubnty, Minn. are thumbing their noses at a Minnesota state law mandating that they rename Squaw Creek and Squaw Bay to something less offensive.

Many of the states 55,000 American Indians find the the word squaw historically used to describe an American Indian woman, to be an obscenity, according to a story in the New York Times.

Other Minnesota counties complied with the renaming law. Squaw was removed from the names of 19 sites – creeks ponds, and lakes,etc,

Not Lake County. They said there is nothing offensive in the term squaw. The issue, they said, is whether local representation will rule or state bureaucracy.

Meanwhile in protest, they offered to rename the bodies of water Politically Correct Creek and Politically Correct Bay.

Source: Houston Chronicle

A
man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday.
He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the
results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand
and buys a paper.
Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I
hope you dont mind me asking, but how old do you
think I am?" "About 35," was the
reply. "Im actually 47," the man says,
feeling really happy. After that, he goes into
McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same
question. The reply is, "Oh, you look about
29". "I am actually 47."
Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an
old woman the same question. She replies, "I
am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But
when I was young, there was a sure way of telling
a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and
play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be
able to tell you your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thinks, What
the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay,
its done. You are 47." Stunned, the man says, "That
was brilliant. How did you do that?" The old
lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

Q: What do you do with a violist when he dies?

A: Move him back a stand.

LETTER HOME

Dear Dad, read the young soldiers first letter home. I cannot tell you where I am, but yesterday I shot a polar bear …
v
Several months later came another letter. Dear Dad, I still cannot tell you where I am, but yesterday I danced with a hula girl …

Two weeks later came yet another note. Dear Dad, I still cannot tell you where I am, but yesterday the doctor told me I should have danced with the polar bear and shot the hula girl …

It is truly astonishing what happens in Bible stories when they are retold by young scholars around the world…

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noahs wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears. Lots wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, Man doth not live by sweat alone. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tomb stone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 13 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was by profession, a taximan. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.

This one happened on an exam: One of the students identified the rainbow as the arc of the covenant.

Also a true story: The teacher asked her class to draw a picture of the Holy Family and one child drew a rather large figure as part of his threesome, explaining that they were Round John Virgin, mother and child.

The Sunday school teacher was describing how Lots wife looked back and suddenly turned into a pillar of salt. My mother looked back while she was driving, contributed little Johnny, and she turned into a telephone pole.