It is truly astonishing what happens in Bible stories when they are retold by young scholars around the world…

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noahs wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears. Lots wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, Man doth not live by sweat alone. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tomb stone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 13 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was by profession, a taximan. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.

This one happened on an exam: One of the students identified the rainbow as the arc of the covenant.

Also a true story: The teacher asked her class to draw a picture of the Holy Family and one child drew a rather large figure as part of his threesome, explaining that they were Round John Virgin, mother and child.

The Sunday school teacher was describing how Lots wife looked back and suddenly turned into a pillar of salt. My mother looked back while she was driving, contributed little Johnny, and she turned into a telephone pole.

LETTER HOME

Dear Dad, read the young soldiers first letter home. I cannot tell you where I am, but yesterday I shot a polar bear …
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Several months later came another letter. Dear Dad, I still cannot tell you where I am, but yesterday I danced with a hula girl …

Two weeks later came yet another note. Dear Dad, I still cannot tell you where I am, but yesterday the doctor told me I should have danced with the polar bear and shot the hula girl …

1. JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that ones favorite celebrity is Jewish

2. TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember ones lines at ones Bar or Bat mitzvah.

3. MATZILATION v. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.

4. BUBBEGUM n. Candy ones mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.

5. CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 400 AM so she can change the babys diaper.

6. DISORIYENTA n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.

7. GOYFER n. A Gentile messenger.

8. KISHKA n. Smooching at a Bar Mitzvah and getting the telltale smell of Stuffed Derma.

9. MEINSTEIN slang. My son, the genius.

10. MISHPOCHAMARKS n. The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on ones face and collar after kissing all ones aunts and cousins at a reception.

11 RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from New Jersey to Florida and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo as you.

12. ROSH HASHANANA n. A rock n roll band from Brooklyn.

13. FEELAWFUL n. Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.

14. DISKVELLIFIED vb. To drop out of law school, med school or business school as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents, and


Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irvs son, David, is majoring in biology, is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.

15. KINDERSCHLEP n. To transport other kids in your car besides yours.

16. SCHMUCKLUCK n. Finding out ones wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.

17. OYVAYSMEAR What one says when the cream cheese squeezes out of the bagel and falls on your clean pants.

18. JEWDO n. A traditional form of self-defense based on talking ones way out of a tight spot.

To be sung to the tune of Walkin in a Winter Wonderland

Lacy things – the girlfriends missin,

Didnt ask – her permission,

Im wearin her clothes,

Her silk pantyhose,

Walkin round in womens underwear.

In the store – theres a teddy,

Little straps – like spaghetti,

It holds me so tight,

Like handcuffs at night,

Walkin round in womens underwear.

In the office theres a guy named Melvin,

He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.

Hell say, Are you ready? Well say,Whoa, Man!

Lets wait until our women are out of town!

Later on, if you wanna,

We can dress – like Madonna,

Put on some eyeshade,

And join the parade,

Walkin round in womens underwear!

Lacy things – the girlfriends missin,

Didnt ask – her permission,

Im wearin her clothes,

Her silk pantyhose,

Walkin round in womens underwear,

Walkin round in womens underwear,

Walkin round in womens underwear!

The friends of a 90 year-old man decided to give him a thrill. They arranged for a beautiful young prostitute to call on him.

She rang his doorbell, he shuffled over, opened the door and she said, How would you like a night of super sex?

He thought about it for a minute and answered, I think Ill take the soup.

Why was the lawyer skimming the Bible right before he died?
He was looking for loopholes!

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a mans penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a mans hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

{I heard this years ago – have no idea where it first came from}

The choir director selected the 6-year-old little boy with the sweetest
face for the opening scene of the play. Now, all you have to do is,
when I direct the choir to sing …and the angel lit the candle, you
come onstage and light all the candles.

I can do it – I can do it! the little boy said, excited to be the
one picked.

Rehearsals came and went, and finally the big night arrived. The choir was
in grand voice, the stage was beautifully decorated with dozens of unlit
candles all around, awaiting the moment when the cute littlest angel made
his interest.

The director gave the downbeat, the orchestra began to play, and the
choir swept into the introductory lines, ending with an expectant
…and the angel lit the candle, and everyone looked stage right
for the entrance. No little boy. The director gave the downbeat
again, and gestured for a louder line, which the choir gave him –
…and the angel lit the candle, and again, all eyes looked stage
right. No little boy.

The director, beginning to sweat, motioned with great, sweeping
gestures, and the choir thundered into the line – the curtains belled
slightly from the sound – …AND THE ANGEL LIT THE CANDLE!

And into the silence which followed came a clear, boy-soprano voice
floating piercingly from stage right …and the cat peed on the matches!

yo mama so dumb she asked what time is the 12:00 lunch.

Once I lifted a tractor trailer 3 feet off the ground, and pulled a jet down the runway, but yo mama so fat when I tried to lift her, my career was over.

yo momma is so fat she wears two watches becuase she covers two time zones.

Yo mama sooo stupid, she thought the rap group NWA was a new sports organization.

Yo mama soooo fat, when she stepped on the scale it read, ONE AT A TIME, PLEASE.

Yo mama so fat that when she steps in the elevator, IT HAS TO GO DOWN!!!

Yo mamas sooo stupid, she thought that Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

Yo Mamas so FAT… i sat on top of her and me ears popped

Yo mamas so fat i ran round her twice and got lost

Your mama so stupid she threw a rock at the ground and missed!

Yo mama smell so bad she made RIGHT GUARD turn left.

Yo mama is like a powerplant she never runs out of energy.

Yo mama is so fat that she lives in Canada and the United States at the same time.

your mamas so fat she bent over and everyone yelled blackout.

Yo mama is so stupid, it takes her 2 hours to watch 60 min.

…the elephant man turned her down for a date!

..when she flossed her teeth, a dead gerbil fell out.

…she had to put a box of Twinkies on lay-away!

…Shes got two kids and a dog trapped in her orbit

… They shoved her face in dough to make gorilla cookies

Jack was coming out of shul one day, and the rabbi was standing at the door as he always did to shake hands.

The rabbi grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside.

The rabbi said to him, You need to join the Army of HaShem!

Jack replied, Im already in the Army of HaShem, Rabbi.

The rabbi questioned, How come I almost never see you except at Rosh

Hashanah and Yom Kippur?!

Jack whispered back, Im in the secret service.