Old and New Jokes

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given
by the California Department of Transportations driving school (read
Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He cant see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop
at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying
Guns dont kill people. I do.

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too s— faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: Id probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no
longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave hello if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light
and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be a d—head all day long.

does it become a walk?

One morning Santa Singh received a letter in the post warning him, “If you do not send Rs. 50,000 to the above address immediately, we will kidnap your wife and you will never see her again.”

Santa Singh sent the following reply,
Dear Sir,
I do not have Rs. 50,000 but your offer interests me greatly.

____________________University

To: Professor____________________ From: __________________I think my grade in your course, ___________________, should be

changed from ______ to _______ for the following reasons:

______1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.

______2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.

______3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I wont get into:

______ Law School

______Medical School ______Graduate School

______Dental School ______My Fraternity/Sorority

______The Mickey Mouse Club ______Tri County Tech

______4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in

_______________.

______5. Ill lose my scholarship.

______6. Im on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldnt find a copy of your exam.

______7. I didnt come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover the material asked for on the exam.

______8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact.

______9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked about general principles.

_____10. You are prejudiced against:

______Males ______Jews ______Blacks

______Females ______Catholics ______Whites

______Protestants ______Moslems ______Minorities

______Chicanos ______People ______Students

_____11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at least cut my allowance.

_____12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the following illness:

______mono______broken baby finger

______acute alcoholism______pregnancy

______VD______fatherhood

_____13. You told us to be creative but you didnt tell us exactly how you wanted that done.

_____14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.

_____15. I dont have a reason; I just want a higher grade.

_____16. The lectures were:

______too detailed to pick out important points

______not explained in sufficient detail

______too boring

______all jokes and not enough material

______all of the above

_____17. This course was:

______too early, I was not awake.

______at lunchtime, I was hungry

______too late, I was tired

_____18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my (book, notes, paper) for this course.

_____19. Other_____

A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the ministers breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, Sir, have you been drinking?

Just water, says the minister.

The trooper says, Then why do I smell wine?

The minister looks at the bottle and says, Good Lord! Hes done it again!

The owner of an old-fashioned corner grocery store in a small country town was fond of quoting a scripture after each sale. He had three old friends that would sit around a pot-bellied stove, playing checkers on a faded board. His ability to produce a scripture for all occasions never ceased to amuse the old timers, and they would listen to see what verse he would come up with relevant to the sale made. A lady purchased some material and he said, She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands. A man bought a sack of flour; he said Man does not live by bread alone, but every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God. A little boy bought some candy and as he rung it up he quoted, Suffer the little children to come unto Me. It was nearly closing time when the chimes over the door jangled loudly. A well dressed young man, obviously a stranger from one of the larger towns down the road, entered. Help you? offered the proprietor. I need a blanket for my horse, said the man. Hes out in his trailer and its too cold for just one. Bring me the nicest one youve got! The store owner went in the back store room and came back with a brown blanket. Thatll be five dollars. Five dollars? Youve got to be kidding! said the man. This horse is a thoroughbred. He gets only the best! He wouldnt stand still for an old five dollar blanket. Without comment, the store owner took back the blanket, then merely selected a different color and brought it out. This ones $25 dollars. Now, look, said the young man. Perhaps I didnt make myself plain. This isnt just any old horse! Hes worth thousands! Now I want the best, most expensive blanket youve got! Comprende? The owner once more went into the store room, pulled out another color of the same material and brought it back. This is the only one left, and its $100. Now thats more like it! enthused the fellow

Knock Knock

Whos there?

Mickey Mouse

Mickey Mouse who?

Mickey Mouses underpants!

Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two and a professor to take credit.

A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park He sat down on a bench and began eating. A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him.

Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.

The blind man ran his fingers over the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, Who wrote this?!

¡Compadre, en mi casa mando yo, y cuando digo: tengo hambre, me sirven de comer y cuando digo tráiganme el agua caliente, me la traen de inmediato!

Y para que quiere agua caliente?

¡No me diga que usted lava los platos con agua fría!