Old and New Jokes

Take it to the horse-pital.

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner. After a while, he started advancing on her. Before long though, she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.Its OK, he replied, its written in the Bible.So after a wild night of bliss the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says its okay.The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil – The hat check girl puts out!

A neighbor of mine was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him scribbling furiously on a notepad.

I told him rabies could be cured and he didnt have to worry about writing a will.

He said, Will, will,… WHAT WILL? Im making a list of people Im gonna bite!!

QUESTION: How many church people does it take to change a lightbulb?

Charismatics: Only one. Hands are already in the air.

Roman Catholics: None. They use candles.

Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the light bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on and off.

Episcopalians: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much better they liked the old bulb.

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: We chose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the light bulb. However, if you have found in your own journey that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb and present it next month at our annual l light bulb Sunday service in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Baptists: At least fifteen. One to change the light bulb, five or six professors to search the Bible for authorization and then two or three committees to approve the change. Oh, and some faithful women to make a casserole.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans dont believe in change.

Methodists: A whole congregation. One to change the light bulb, and the rest of the congregation to be sure that he doesnt backslide.

The new name of my Fantasy Football team is going to be Off Constantly.That way, all of my opponents will say, this week my team is going to beat Off Constantly.Or, after a victory against me, my opponents will have to say, Hooray, I beat Off Constantly!

Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddams chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in the face.

Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs.

A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.

But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the privates, hes finally had enough, knowing that he cant do much without them functioning well. Im going back home! he tells the Iraqi. Well finish these talks in two weeks!

A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clintons chair and prepares himself for the Yanks revenge.

They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Clinton snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

Forget this, says Saddam. Im going back to Baghdad!

Clinton says through tears of laughter, What Baghdad?

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Justice!
Justice who!
Justice as I thought, no one home!

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him Rover or Boy. I call mine Sex.

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.

When I went to the City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.

He said, Id like to have one too.

Then I said, You dont understand. Ive had Sex since I was nine years old.

He said, You must have been quite a kid!

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex.

He said he didnt want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church.

I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace.

My family is barred from the church from then on.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex.

He said, Every room in the place is for sex.

I said, You dont understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.

The clerk said, Me too.

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around.

I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets.

But you dont understand, I said, I had hoped to have Sex on T.V.

He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married.

The judge said, Me too.

Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me.

He said, Me too.

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, What are you doing in the alley at 4 oclock in the morning?

I said, Im looking for Sex.

Well now Ive been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, What seems to be the trouble?

I replied, Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me forever. I couldnt live any longer so lonely,

And the doctor said, Look mister, you should understand that sex isnt a mans best friend, so get yourself a dog.

It was a miserable hot day in Dallas and these two black whores were walking down the street when one (Mary Jane) says to the other (Eloise), Eloise, honey, it is so hot out here today, why dont we take off our panties sos we be cool Eloise says, Oh, I dont know Mary Jane, I be too embarrassed.

So they walk on a bit farther and pretty soon Mary Jane says, Eloise, honey, I just cant stand this heat. We jess gots to take off our panties sos we be cool? And Eloise says, Mary Jane , I juss cant, Id be too embarrassed. So, they continue for a few more blocks, when suddenly Mary Jane stops and points to the porch of a house where an enormous black woman is sitting with her skirt hiked up to her navel, no panties on and eating a watermelon. She says, Eloise, honey, look up there on the poch of dat house. Jess look at dat. Ill bet she be cool.

And Mary Jane says, Less go axe her. So they shuffle up on to the porch of the house and Eloise says, Big Fat Mama, you sittin up here on the poch of dis house, what with yo skirt hiked up to you navel, no panties on and eating dat watermelon….. tell us… is you cool?

And the woman says, Honey child… I dont no nuffin a bouts being cool, but it sho do keeps the flies off my watermelon!

A: How did the blonde break her arm while she was raking leaves?

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A: She fell out of the tree.