Old and New Jokes

A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and say that he cant drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo.

The man agrees and drives off.



The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again. He is stopped by the same police officer who says, Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo.



The man replies I did. Today Im taking them to the movies.

The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be had a discussion with her mother. Mom, she said, I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy.The mother took a deep breath and began, Dear, when two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing…I know how to screw, mother, the bride-to-be interrupted. I want you to know how to make your lasagna.

After you lay a brick it doent follow you around whining for
two weeks.

Originally

From: Shaw Mr. G

Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers

Bill Gates dies and fronts up to the pearly gates.

St Peter: Well, youve got a choice. Have a look around here. Pop down to Hell and see what Satan has to offer. Check us out, and then let me know your decision.

Bill has a look around heaven. Lotss of sombre people singing hymns, praising the Lord (and probably writing Ada :-). He goes down to Hell. There are beautiful beaches, lots of sun, sand, attractive women (and a lot of C and Basic :-). Long cool drinks that never get you drunk. He loves it. He goes back to St Peter.

Gates: Look, I know youre really doing good things here, but Hell seems more with it. More my kind of scene, you know what I mean? No hard feelings, but I pick Hell.

St Peter: No worries. Youve got it.

Bill finds himself back in Hell, neck deep in fire and brimstone, suffering eternal torment. He cant work it out.

Gates: Hey! St Peter! Where are the beautiful girls and long beaches and cool drinks?

St Peter: Sorry if you got confused, That was just the demo version.

Source: alt.humor.best-of-usenet

There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field. She was in a boat rowing, with no water in sight. The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, “What do you think youre doing? Its things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, Id come out there and kick your butt!”

Chaim and Moishe were walking along a dark alley, and saw two suspicious characters in the distance. Chaim says to Moishe: We better run: there are two of them.

Your momma is so fat, when she stood in the scale to get weighed it read –

(one at a time please!!!!!!)

Youve ever absent-mindedly nibbled on your live bait . . . and didnt spit it out.

Your best Sunday clothes include your John Deere baseball cap.

You go to a wedding or any formal party and ask someone to pull your finger.

Why did the accountant cross the road?

Here are the top 10 responses:



1. To open a consulting practice.



2. What else does an accountant do for fun?



3. To count the chickens.



4. Because the lawyers were on the first side.



5. It was April 15th and the bar was on the other side.



6. So he could charge the client for travel expenses.



7. The client told him to.



8. Because thats what was done in the prior year.



9. To bore the people on the other side.



10. Because he just broke GAAS on the first side.

Q. On the left side of the river there is a rooster, and on the other side there is a cat and a worm. The rooster jumps over the river and eats the worm. The cat gets frightened and jumps in the river. Whats the moral of the story?

A. For every satified cock there is a dripping wet pussy.