Old and New Jokes

If cars had followed the same developmental path as computers,
a Rolls Royce would cost $100, get a million miles per gallon,
and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Three Labrador Retrievers – 1 brown, 1 yellow and 1 black – were sitting in the waiting room at the vets when they struck up a conversation.

The black lab turned to the brown and said, So why are you here?

The brown lab replied, Im a pisser. I piss on everything — the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids, but the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owners bed.

The black lab asked, So what is the vet going to do?

Gonna give me Prozac, came the reply from the brown lab. All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything.

The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, Why are you here?

The yellow lab said, Im a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it.

When Im inside, I dig up the carpets, but I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners couch.

So what are they going to do to you? the black lab inquired.

Looks like Prozac for me too, the dejected yellow lab said.

The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, Why are you at the vets office?

Im a humper, the black lab said. Ill hump anything. Ill hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see.

Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldnt help myself.

The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, So, Prozac for you too, huh?

The black lab said, No, Im here to get my nails clipped!

Do you know what an Australian kiss is?Its just like a French kiss, but you do it down-under.

Q: Why was the number zero fired?
A: Because he didnt add any value to the company.

He didnt make the cut.

When the Arks door was closed, Noah called a meeting with all the animals. Listen up! Noah said with a demanding voice. There will be NO SEX on this trip! All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back.

After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wifes cage and was very excited. Quick! he said, Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!

Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said, Sorry, no land yet. Darn it!, exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.

This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked, What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. But why are you acting so excited every day?

LOOK!, said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper… I GOT THE HORSES RECEIPT!!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Twyla!
Twyla who?
Twyla light of the Gods!

Why do people go to Burger King and Order a Double Whopper with a Large French Fry and insist on getting a Diet Coke?

Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

Why is the alphabet in that order?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

When Ignorance Can Be A Blessing: Household Finances And You

How To Keep Em Guessing, or: 101 Ways To Fold A Towel

Talking And Driving: Theres Got To Be A Way

In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27, and
Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the
game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.