Old and New Jokes

Un hombre entra a un bar y se sienta; en ese momento ve que llega un negro y se lleva a un tipo que estaba dormido a causa de la embriaguez. Intrigado, el recién llegado le pregunta al mesero:

“¿Por qué ese negro se llevó a ese tipo?”

“Ese negro se lleva a todos los que se quedan dormidos y se los tira”.

“¡Qué bueno que me avisa, no deje que me quede dormido!”

Confiado, el fulano comienza a beber, uno tras otro, hasta que se da cuenta de que está cabeceando y decide pararle. De pronto, cuando despierta ve que se encuentra sobre los hombros del negro; asustado comienza a gritar:

“¡Ah, no, negro de mierda, a mí no me llevas!”

“¡Cállate, estúpido, que no te llevo te traigo!”

Q: What gives milk and has one horn?



A: A milk truck!

It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully).

NOMINEE NO.7[The. Indianapolis Star] A cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion – Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriffs investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

Newsflash X/X 1992 Newsflash

St. Louis, MO (UPI)–Vice President Dan Quayle today visited
St. Louis, MO, which bears a heavy population descended from German
immigrants. In order to show support for the newly-unified country
of Germany, fatherland of many in the audience, he repeated John F.
Kennedys words of support 30 years earlier, but this time in English,
I am a Jelly Doughnut!

Political commentators agreed that something
was lost in the translation. Dan Quayle explained his remark by saying
that he had been told those who lived in central America enjoyed jelly
doughnuts.

A couple of years back, a Midland, Texas guy who was sound asleep on a rainy wet night was aroused from his slumbers by a drunk pounding on his door at 3:00 AM. His wife tells him to go answer the door so he grudgingly gets up and goes to the door.

A neighbor, slurring his words and obviously drunk says, I need a push!. The guy says, Dagnabit Georgie, its 3:00 AM. No! I cant help you. He slams the door and goes back to bed.

And his wife says, What was that all about?

The guy says, It was the Bush boy — been a drinking again too — big time. He wanted a push. I sent him packing. Its 3 oclock in the morning. Im not about to go out in the rain at this hour for that dang fool!

The wife reminded him that they had been in a similar situation down in the creek at Red Rock and that at about the same hour in the morning, they pounded on a door and got the help they needed. She shamed him and, feeling guilty, he got back up, put on his pants and raincoat and went outside. George the Lesser was nowhere to be seen.

He hollered, Do you still need help? Hey Georgie, do you still need a push? Off in the distance, he hears a slurred response, Yeah! I still need a push. The guy says, Well where in tarnation are you boy? The drunk responds, Im over here on the swing!

A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops – especially cops with their lights on. After theyve been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde if shes seen any cops.
Yes, says the blonde.

Are their lights on?

The blonde has to think for a moment, then says, Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing
happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA,
they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed
his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a
little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a
thank you note to God, which read:

Dear God,

Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for
some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual,
those crooks deducted $95.00.

Una señora, harta de que su marido siempre llegaba muy borracho a quererle hacer el amor, se va a la cantina y se toma de un jalón media botella de tequila; allí se espera hasta que se siente ebria.

Llega a su casa sabiendo que su marido ya está dormido. Se mete al baño y agarra un desodorante de bolita destapado y se le va encima al hombre, picándolo con el desodorante en la cara, en el pecho, en las piernas, (el hombre asustado intenta defenderse) en la espalda, en las nalgas, hasta que el marido reclama:

¡Vieja pendeja! ¿Qué te pasa, eh? ¿Te volviste loca?

La esposa, achispada, le contesta:

¡Esto, cabrón, es para que sepas lo que se siente que te quieran coger a las dos de la mañana… Y BORRACHO!

Se encontraban dos locos en un pasillo del manicomio, a media noche. La doctora de turno los sorprendió cuando uno se encontraba en cuatro patas con el trasero pelado y el otro detrás alumbrándole el hoyo con una vela.

La doctora se asombrada pregunta: ¿Y qué hace usted con esa vela en el trasero de ese hombre?

Y el loco responde: Tranquila doctora, estamos averiguando de que color tiene los pedos…

Lo que despertó curiosidad en la doctora y ésta decide seguirles la corriente para ver hasta donde llegan, y le pregunta: ¿Y qué han averiguado hasta ahora?

Y el loco responde:

Pues nada, porque cada vez que se tira uno, me apaga la maldita vela este desgraciado.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Donald!
Donald who?
Donald come baby, cradle and all…!