Old and New Jokes

There was this boy that lived with his mother.

One night the boy woke up and went to the restroom and on his way he passed his mothers room and looked in and saw his mom rubbing her breasts and saying I NEED A MAN. Then he went to bed.

The next night the same thing happened, she was there rubbing her breasts and saying I NEED A MAN.

On the third night the woman had a man in bed with her when the son looked in.

Right away the boy went to his room and stood in front of the mirror rubbing hiself and saying….I NEED A BIKE……….

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: Da-ad …

What?

Im thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?

No. You had your chance. Lights out.

Five minutes later: Da-aaaad …

WHAT?

Im THIRSTY … Can I have a drink of water??

I told you NO! If you ask again Ill have to spank you!!

Five minutes later … Daaaa-aaaad …

WHAT??!!

When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?

Rednecks dont let friends drive drunk,they get drunk and ride with them.

Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?

A: You dont know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.

Había una pareja de enamorados que estaban desesperados por su situación económica, así que la chica se arma de valor y le dice al enamorado:

Carlos ya no aguanto más, me voy a los Estados Unidos a conseguir trabajo, y la condenada toma sus maletas y se larga.

Despues de tres meses, al enamorado le llega un telegrama con el titulo P.P.P, el enamorado angustiado lo lee:

P: POCA PLATA.

P: PELIGRA POTO.

P: POSIBLE PUTA.

Así que el enamorado apenado le responde y al cabo de una semana la chica recibe un telegrama urgente que se titulaba C.C.C, el cual decía:

C: COBRA CARO.

C: CUIDA CULO.

C: CARIÑOS CARLOS.

Q: What do you call a prostitute that doesnt

care about money?





A: A blonde

The Jewish civilization is 6000 years old.

The Christian civilization is 2000 years old.

This implies that for 4000 years, the Jews had to persecute themselves.

Posted at a local golf club:

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

2. Form a loose grip.

3. Keep your head down.

4. Avoid a quick back swing.

5. Stay out of the water.

6. Try not to hit anyone.

7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.

8. Dont stand directly in front of others.

9. Quiet please … while others are preparing to go.

10. Dont take extra strokes. Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside and tee off.

Hello, Mr. Brown, said the sales rep. Im calling because our company replaced all the windows in your house with our triple-glazed weather-tight windows over a year ago, and you still havent sent us a single payment.

The customer replied, But you said theyd pay for THEMSELVES in 12 months.

A: None: Real Men arent afraid of the dark.

A: None of your damn business!