Old and New Jokes

What are the five most common words said to a well dressed Black man?

Will the defendant please rise.

They chip their teeth.

A keen Texas lad applied for a salesmans job at a city department store.


The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the sun.


Have you ever been a salesman before? the boss asked during his interview.


Yes, I was a salesman in Texas, the lad answered.


The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the next day.


Ill come and see how you made out after we close up, the boss said.


The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 oclock. The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped and exhausted, in a chair.


How many sales did you make today? the boss asked.


One, said the lad.


One? said the boss, obviously displeased. Most of the sales people on my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?


Exactly $101,334.53, said the young man.


How did you manage that? asked the boss, flabbergasted.


Well, said the lad, this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I said hed probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that fancy 22-foot Chris Craft with twin engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldnt be able to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new GMC 1-ton pickup truck.


You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook? the boss asked in astonishment.


He didnt come in to buy a fish hook, the Texas boy explained. He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him, Your weekends shot. You might as well go fishing.

Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest. – Prof. Irwin Corey

Love matches are made by people who are content, for a month of honey, to condemn themselves to a life of vinegar. – Countess of Blessington

Ive sometimes thought of marrying, and then Ive thought again. – Noel Coward, 1956

Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I havent been able to find anybody wholl take what I have to give. – Cass Daley

Id marry again if I found a man who had 15 million and would sign over half of it to me before the marriage and guarantee hed be dead within a year. – Bette Davis

Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses. – Lord Dewar

Ive been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap? – Phyllis Diller

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and fight. – Phyllis Diller

It destroys ones nerves to be amiable everyday to the same human being. – Benjamin Disraeli

Honolulu, its got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wifes mother. – Ken Dodd

Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences. – Isadora Duncan

Many a man that could rule a hundherd millyon sthrangers with an irn hand is careful to take off his shoes in the front hallway whin he comes home late at night. – Finley Peter Dunne, Mr. Dooley On Making A Will, 1919

There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards – only physics and war hold him in check. And the wife who wants him home by five, of course. – Encyclopaedia Apocryphia

Neer take a wife till thou hast a house (and a fire) to put her in. – Benjamin Franklin

A Code of Honor: Never approach a friends girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless shes really attractive. – Bruce Friedman

Choose a wife by your ear than your eye. – Thomas Fuller, 1732

Husbands are like fires. They go out if unattended. – Zsa Zsa Gabor

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. – Zsa Zsa Gabor

Im an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. – Zsa Zsa Gabor

Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. – Goethe

Thank heaven. A bachelors life is no life for a single man. – Samuel Goldwyn, immigrant-turned-famous-movie-producer, when told his son was getting married

When Babys cries grew hard to bear I popped him in the Frigidaire. I never would have done so if Id known that hed be frozen stiff. My wife said, George, Im so unhappy! Our darlings now completely frappe! – Graham

If I were a girl, Id despair. The supply of good women far exceeds that of the men who deserve them. – Robert Graves

You might be a redneck if…
Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"

Seen on an office wall, a big sign:

Christmas cancelled – Joseph confessed

You know youre a redneck when you consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Disk!
Disk who?
Disk is recorded message, please leave your message after the beep!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Pasture!
Pasture who?
Pasture bedtime isnt it!

Chip – What you munch during a football games