Old and New Jokes

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The womans face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldnt graft any skin from her body because she was so thin. The husband then donated some of his skin…



However, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!



After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the womans new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty!



She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!



He replied, Oh dont worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!

I asked Dan Judd, a graduate student who works for me, to look into creating
an electronic suggestion box for the dean of the college. This is what he
came back with.

Options for creating an anonymous suggestion box for the Dean.

1) Slip note under Deans door.
Pro – Simple.
Would cost less to implement than generating this report.
Con – Only small notes fit.
Not too anonymous in the middle of the day.

2) Put note in box outside Deans office.
Pro – Simple.
Anonymity reasonable during the day.
Box can be easily emptied into trash at end of day.
Con – Requires ability to find the Deans office.
Suggestions weighing more a few pounds unworkable.
Box can be easily emptied into trash at end of day.
Will probably get more gum wrappers that suggestions.

3) Mail to an address that strips off headers and forwards to Dean.
Pro – Easy to do from anywhere in the building.
Big messages not a problem.
Electronic messages are easy to delete.
Con – Wont be able to strip .signature files from the end of messages.
Requires users have access to e-mail.
Electronic messages are easy to delete.
Requires Dean read e-mail

4) A suggest command that sends message to appropriate place.
Pro – No problem with signatures.
Fairly simple.
Con – Requires that users remember command exists.
Requires an account and the ability to create a file on Unix.
Requires Dean read e-mail.

5) Printer in Deans office for suggestions.
Pro – Hard copy made of suggestions.
Draws attention to itself, increasing the likelyhood suggestions
may be looked at.
Con – Printer must be on.
Queue not anonymous during printing.
Temptation to send the Kama Sutra may be too great for some.

6) Suggestion posted anonymously to public news group.
Pro – Keeps people aware suggestion service exits.
Suggestions more likely to be dealt with in some manner.
Others can comment on suggestion along with the Dean.
Con – Some suggestions too personal to be posted.
Requires Dean read news.

7) Coup detat.
Pro – Eliminates need for anonymity.
Eliminates need for suggestions.
Con – Difficult to automate.

Two pieces of string walk into a bar. The first one walks up to the bar and says, Barkeep! Give me a beer!

The bartender replies, Well uh..arent you a piece of string?

The piece of string answers, Yeah!

And the bartender says, Well get out of here! We dont serve your kind!

So the first piece of string walks back towards the door.

The second piece of string says, Hey wait, hold on a minute!

Youre not doing it right, watch this.

He ties himself in a knot and frizzes out the top of his head. He walks up to the bar and says Barkeep! Give me a beer!

The barender said Arent you a piece of string?

The piece of strings replies, Nope, Im afraid not!

Thank you all who contribute to this party pranks series, as i told you, i cant pos all the ideas as i lost a file, but here you have:

get a trasvestite to make strip tease to the guy.
get him to get grabbed by somebody, ie. make a bet, then drop his pants off and give him a beer bath.
get him drunk, take away his wallet, credit cards etc. and put him on a train with only the exact amount of money so he can make a phone call.
get him drunk, when he pases away, put his leg in plaster, when he woke up, tell him that last nigt, he tried to dance in the table, he fell down and broke his leg.
put him an embarrasing temporarily tatoo on his back, so he cant see it until its too late.
when the cake arrives, voila, his wife jumps off the cake!
put a local anesthesic in his condoms.

Also check the part 2

Two nuns are on vacation in Transylvania. Despite all the warnings to the contrary, theyve stayed out after dark. Sure enough, as theyre driving along, a vampire flies out of the night and lands on their windshield, hissing and baring his horrible bloody fangs.

Dear Lord! What shall we do? cries the first nun.

Turn on the windshield wipers. Maybe that will break his grip, answers the second nun.

No luck. Now the vampire is wet and angry. He claws at the windshield.

Now what shall we do? yells the first nun, getting even more scared.

Weave the car back and forth. Maybe hell fall off, says the second nun.

No luck. The vampire is beating on the glass now, and its starting to crack.

NOW WHAT!?!?! cries the first nun.

The second nun tries to remember how to get rid of vampires. She has a sudden flash of insight. Show him your cross! she yells, triumphantly.

The second nun sticks her head out the window and yells, Get off my car, you foul little vampire before I smack you with a ruler!

Weve all cursed written English as capricious and sentenced American Pronunciation Rules as but half-truths at best. Examples and practice always seem better than studying worn and obsolete phonetic guides so try your luck at a verse or two of these…

(read aloud, with a friend!)

…multi-national personnel at North Atlantic Treaty Organization headquarters near Paris found English to be an easy language … until they tried to pronounce it. To help them discard an array of accents, the verses below were devised. After trying them, a Frenchman said hed prefer six months at hard labor to reading six lines aloud.

Try them yourself.

English is Tough Stuff

Dearest creature in creation,

Study English pronunciation.

I will teach you in my verse

Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.

I will keep you, Suzy, busy,

Make your head with heat grow dizzy.

Tear in eye, your dress will tear.

So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,

Dies and diet, lord and word,

Sword and sward, retain and Britain.

(Mind the latter, how its written.)

Now I surely will not plague you

With such words as plaque and ague.

But be careful how you speak:

Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;

Cloven, oven, how and low,

Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,

Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,

Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,

Exiles, similes, and reviles;

Scholar, vicar, and cigar,

Solar, mica, war and far;

One, anemone, Balmoral,

Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;

Gertrude, German, wind and mind,

Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,

Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.

Blood and flood are not like food,

Nor is mould like should and would.

Viscous, viscount, load and broad,

Toward, to forward, to reward.

And your pronunciations OK

When you correctly say croquet,

Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,

Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour

And enamour rhyme with hammer.

River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,

Doll and roll and some and home.

Stranger does not rhyme with anger,

Neither does devour with clangour.

Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,

Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,

Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,

And then singer, ginger, linger,

Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,

Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

Query does not rhyme with very,

Nor does fury sound like bury.

Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.

Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.

Though the differences seem little,

We say actual but victual.

Refer does not rhyme with deafer.

Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.

Mint, pint, senate and sedate;

Dull, bull, and George ate late.

Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,

Science, conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,

Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.

We say hallowed, but allowed,

People, leopard, towed, but vowed.

Mark the differences, moreover,

Between mover, cover, clover;

Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,

Chalice, but police and lice;

Camel, constable, unstable,

Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, panel, and canal,

Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.

Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,

Senator, spectator, mayor.

Tour, but our and succour, four.

Gas, alas, and Arkansas.

Sea, idea, Korea, area,

Psalm, Maria, but malaria.

Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.

Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,

Dandelion and battalion.

Sally with ally, yea, ye,

Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.

Say aver, but ever, fever,

Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.

Heron, granary, canary.

Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, but preface, not efface.

Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.

Large, but target, gin, give, verging,

Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.

Ear, but earn and wear and tear

Do not rhyme with here but ere.

Seven is right, but so is even,

Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,

Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,

Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation — think of Psyche!

Is a paling stout and spikey?

Wont it make you lose your wits,

Writing groats and saying grits?

Its a dark abyss or tunnel:

Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,

Islington and Isle of Wight,

Housewife, verdict and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough —

Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?

Hiccough has the sound of cup.

My advice is to give up!!!

Lawyer: Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?

Client: After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw his wife flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man started to scream for help. A trout fisherman ran up.

The man said, My wife is drowning and I cant swim. Please save her. Ill give you a hundred dollars.

The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, Okay, wheres my hundred?

The man said, Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law.

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, Just my luck. How much do I owe you?

Una pareja de esposos dicutía, y el marido dice:

Es que tu mamá tiene la culpa de todo.

La esposa responde: Sí, ya sé que tú no quieres a mi mamá.

Quién dice que no quiero a tu madre, si a tu madre la quiero igual que a la cerveza…

La esposa, conocedora de la pasión de su conyuge por la cerveza, le dice con tono de interrogación: ¿Tú quieres a mi mamá igual que a la cerveza?

Si, quiero a tu madre como a la cerveza, porque la quiero fría, con la boca abierta y echando espuma…