Backup – What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods.

Bar code – Thems the fightn rules down da local tavern.

Bug – The reason you is a givn for calling in sick.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.

Beckers Law: It is much harder to find a job than to keep one. – Jules Becker & Co. (Becker goes on to claim that his law permeates industry as well as government, …once a person has been hired inertia sets in, and the employer would rather settle for the current employees incompetence and idiosyncrasies than look for a new employee.)

Those who cant write, write manuals.

Q. Whats worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?

A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

Once again it is time to start thinking about casting your vote for the 1998 Darwin Award winner! As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who contribute to the gene pool by dying in spectacularly stupid ways before they breed (thankfully).

The 1998 nominees are:

NOMINEE No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]

An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriends windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

NOMINEE No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]

James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a farm type truck. Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns wrapped in the drive shaft.

NOMINEE No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record]

Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

NOMINEE No. 4: [UPI, Toronto]

Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstration of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was one of the best and brightest members of the 200-man association.

NOMINEE No. 5: [Bloomburg News Service]

A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldnt have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. According to the article, He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating this deadly gas. Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.

NOMINEE No. 6: [The News of the Weird.]

Michael Anderson Godwin made N of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolinas electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. Whilst sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

NOMINEE NO. 7: [The Indianapolis Star]

A cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion – Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriffs investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzleloader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

NOMINEE No. 8: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]

A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said Inspector DArcy Honer of the Peel regional police. It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony, Honer said.

AND FINALLY, NOMINEE No. 9: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]

Two local men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Pooles pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on east-bound toward the White River bridge. After traveling approximately twenty miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. Thank God we werent on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off or we might both be dead stated Wallis. Ive been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I cant believe that those two would admit how this accident happened, said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Pooles wife asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck.

Years ago, CBS had a popular little series called Gilligans Island. There is, however, a dark secret about this comedy you may never have realized. The island is a direct representation of Hell.

Nobody on the island wants to be there, yet none are able to leave. Each one of the characters represents one of the 7 deadly sins:

Ginger represents LUST – she wears skimpy outfits, is obsessed with her looks, and is a borderline nymphomaniac.

Mary Ann represents ENVY – she is jealous of Gingers beauty.

The Professor represents PRIDE – he is an annoying know-it-all.

Mr. Howell represents GREED – no explanation needed.

Mrs. Howell represents SLOTH – she has never lifted a finger to help on any of their escape plans.

The Skipper represents two sins: GLUTTONY – again, no explanation needed and ANGER – he violently hits Gilligan on each show.

This leaves Gilligan. Gilligan is the person who put them there. He prevents them from leaving by foiling all of their escape plots. Also, it is HIS island. Therefore, Gilligan is SATAN.

Crazy? He does wear red in every episode.

Why do bald men have holes in their trouser pockets? So they can run

their fingers through their hair!

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.

Tim, you be first, she said. What does your father do all day?

Tim stood up and proudly said, He is a doctor.

That is wonderful. How about you, Sarah?

Sarah shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, My father is a mailman.

Thank you, Sarah, said the teacher. What about your father, Billy?

Billy proudly stood up and announced, My daddy plays the piano in a whore
house.

The teacher was horrified and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later
that day she went to Billys house and rang the bell. Billys father answered
the door. The teacher repeated what his son had said and demanded an
explanation.

Billys father said, Well, I am actually a lawyer. But can I explain a thing
like that to a seven-year-old boy?

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first.

One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk to his office. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone!. He motioned the man in, all the while saying, No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I wont settle this case for less than $1 million. Yes. The appeals court has agreed to hear that case next week. Ill be handling the primary argument, and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that Ill meet with him next week to discuss the details.

This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while, the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man.

Im sorry for the delay, he said, but as you can see, Im very busy. What can I do for you?

The man replied, Im from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone.