Old and New Jokes

Whats the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Three ladies are sitting in a bar. All of them have husbands named Larry. One lady asks, If you could name your husband after any soda pop, what would it be?

The first lady thinks for a minute and says, Moutain Dew, because he can mount and do me anytime.

The second lady thinks for awhile and finally says, 7-Up, because he has seven inches and can always get it up.

The third lady thinks for a long time and finally says, Jack Daniels.

The other ladies look at her with a confused look and say, Wait a minute, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor.

The third lady says, Yep, thats my Larry!

Skeet shooting the shuttle craft
Plugging Nintendo cartridges into Data
Giving Worf A nuggie
Ordering Pizza from Dominos then going 30 min. into the future just to piss them off (haha, free pizza!)
Secretly replacing the Dilithium crystals with New Folgers crystals
Reprogramming the computer to play the theme to Jeopardy during self destruct sequence
Watching Captain Picard do his Mr. Clean impression
Calling down to the transporter room, ask if theyve beamed aboard Prince Albert In A Can
Tribble sex!

10. Youll know that your turkey is a Butterball rather than

a Grade E yet semi-edible fur ball.


9. Your mother will not be serving your mashed potatoes and

stuffing with an ice cream scooper.


8. Pumpkin pie is a great alternative to green Jello.


7. After your eighth glass of cider, your emergency dash to

the bathroom will not be delayed by having to line the seat

with toilet paper.


6. Clean underwear, comfortable bed, access to a car,

bedroom larger than a 12×14 cell… OK, even if it is for

only four days.


5. To eat your meals the only trek youll have to make is

from the couch to the kitchen, rather than the dorm to the

dining hall…in below freezing weather.


4. Instead of listening to when I first started teaching

here… you can be entertained by when your mother was your

age… and during the Depression we werent lucky enough to

have brussels sprouts. Hell, all we could afford was the

sprout!


3. You can eat your corn steamed with butter rather than

popped in your microwave


2. Youll know the hair in the shower drain is your own.

1. You wont be eating your Thanksgiving meal off a tray!

You might be a redneck if…
Its easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.

Strange job advertisement in Tuesdays Age or Australian:

[…]
Salary $23,999 – $23,400 depending on experience.

Plenty of incentive for experienced programmers here.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Maxine!
Maxine who?
Maxine the wave dude!

Q: Why are there more jokes about Waco than Jonestown?
A: The punch lines were too long in Jonestown.

Q: How many municipal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Seven – two to administer the Civil Service examination for the Light Bulb Administrator position, the Commissioner of Public Works, who ends up hiring his brother for the position anyway, one to plow the mayors driveway, a Summer Youth student to actually screw it in, and a Union steward to protest that its the electricians job to screw in lightbulbs.

Nine signs you are on a No Frill Airline

1. You cant board the plane unless you have the exact change.

2. Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

3. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

4. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

5. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

6. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, Just once.

7. No movie. Dont need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

8. You see a man with a gun, but hes demanding to be let off the plane.

9. All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.