Old and New Jokes

Sunday night:

Mystery, She Wrote:
Cabot Cove is engulfed by a wave of anonymous charitable gifts. The mayor asks Jessica to investigate so the donors can be honored in a public ceremony. Ratings: S/MU, ALG.
[See ratings at the end of this listing.]

The Sunday Night Movie: Blowing Up in Beverly Hills:
A made-for-TV movie based on an actual event. After two troubled siblings (real-life brothers Emilio Estevez and Charlie Sheen) contemplate murdering their wealthy but insensitive parents, they decide instead to go to court. While attending mandatory therapy, the family explores and heals deep-seated conflicts. Inspired by the trial of Lyle and Erik Menendez. Dr. Goodfellow: Alan Alda. First of two parts. Ratings: S/MU, VATCOT, RPSE.

Married… Happily with Children:
After Jefferson and Marcys house is repossessed by a greedy banker, Al contacts Habitat for Humanity. Special appearance by Jimmy and Rosalyn Carter. Ratings: S/MU, ISS.

Ratings key:

• S/MU: spiritual or moral uplift
• ISS: implied safe sex
• WW: win-win solution to intractable social disease or problem
• ALG: ameliorated liberal guilt
• VATCOT: violence avoided through court-ordered therapy
• PCMM: potentially contradictory moral message
• RPSE: reinforcement of positive self-esteem.

From the April 1994 issue of *Reason* magazine.

Copyright 1994 by the Reason Foundation, 3415 S.Sepulveda Blvd., Suite 400, Los Angeles,CA 90034.

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.Well, now, says the old lady, I guess I would like to be really rich. *** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.And, gee, I guess I wouldnt mind being a young, beautiful princess. *** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.Your third wish? asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old womans cat wanders across the porch in front of them. Ooh – can you change him into a handsome prince? she asks. *** POOF *** There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, Bet youre sorry you had me neutered.

An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.

Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be.

At least dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you.

Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

Cats motto: No matter what youve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

Cat rule #2: Bite the hand that wont feed you fast enough.

Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

Cats are smarter than dogs. You cant get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

Cats arent clean, theyre just covered with cat spit.

Cats dont hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they dont, so thats all right.

Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

Cats know what we feel. They dont care, but they know.

Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

I had to get rid of my wife. The cat was allergic.

I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.

In a cats eye, all things belong to cats.

On the Internet, nobody knows youre a cat.

One cat just leads to another.

People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.

Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well.

There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.

When I wash the cat, it takes me hours to get the hair off my tongue.

You can always tell a cat, but you cant tell him much.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Maxine!
Maxine who?
Maxine the wave dude!

A mom of an 8 year old boy was awaiting her sons arrival from school. As he ran in, he said he needed to talk to her about making babies. He claimed he knew about the development of a fetus but didnt understand the answer to that million dollar question. Namely, how did the sperm get into the woman?

The mom asked the boy what he thought the answer was. The boy said that the sperm is manufactured in the mans stomach, it rises up to his chest, then throat, and into his mouth whereupon he kisses the woman and deposits the sperm into her mouth.

The mom told her boy that that was a good guess, but wrong. She said that she would give him a hint…that the sperm came out of the mans penis.

Suddenly, the boys face became quite red and he said, YOU MEAN YOU PUT YOUR MOUTH ON THAT THING!!??

Venancio consiguió trabajo pintando las rayas del asfalto. Cierto día se le acerca el jefe y le reclama:

Venancio, has trabajado muy bien los primeros días, pero últimamente has bajado mucho tu calidad. Empezaste muy bien y ahorita andas muy abajo de tu promedio: la primer semana pintaste un kilómetro; la segunda semana 600 metros; la tercer semana 400 metros, y últimamente sólo has pintado 200 metros, ¿qué te ha pasado?

Responde muy enojado Venancio:

¡Hombre, que cada vez me queda más lejos el bote de pintura!

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole. The grandfather replies, Ill bet you five dollars you cant. Its too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole. The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars. The grandfather replies, I know. Thats from your grandma.

One fine morning, Billy and Buddy Snake were hissing around the front of their pit when their mother came outside. Why dont you boys slither on over to Mrs. Pots pit and hiss there for awhile? she told them. So off they went.

They werent at Mrs. Pots pit five minutes before Mrs. Pot came out and scolded the two young snakes. Oh no you dont, she said angrily. You boys go back to your own pit and hiss there. So Billy and Buddy slithered back home.

Once back, their mother reappeared. I thought I told you boys to go to Mrs. Pots pit and hiss over there? she said. We did, said Buddy, but she told us we had to come back here and hiss in our own pit.

Well, the nerve of that woman, replied their mother. Why I can remember when Mrs. Pot didnt even have a pit to hiss in.

with thanks to Frederic