Old and New Jokes

There were three blondes living together. Blonde #1 was coming back from grocery shopping, and she dropped her keys. She walked down the stairs to get them, and she said to herself, Am I going up the stairs or down the stairs? So, she stood there puzzled, the bags of groceries still in her hands. Blonde #2 was taking a bath, and was draining the tub because it was too cold. With her hair still dry, she said to herself, Was I getting in the tub or out of the tub? She stood there, just thinking about it. Blonde #3 was sitting in the living room in front of the coffee table, and she said to herself, Knock on wood Im not as stupid as the other two! She knocked the table. Was that the front door or the back door?

A boy was at a carnival and went to a booth where a man said to the boy, If I write your exact weight on this piece of paper then you have to give me $50, but if I cannot, I will pay you $50.The boy looked around and saw no scale so he agrees, thinking no matter what the carny writes hell just say he weighs more or less.In the end the boy ended up paying the man $50. How did the man win the bet?The man did exactly as he said he would and wrote your exact weight on the paper.

Moms Brownies Recipe…

Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.

Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.

Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr no, no.

Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.

Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.

Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat.

Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cats tail.

Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.

Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.

Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.

Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.

Let cat out of refrigerator.

Pour mixture into well-greased 9×13-inch pan.

Bake 25 minutes.

Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while theres still time and hes still able to run away.

Frosting

Mix the following in saucepan:

1 cup sugar

1 oz unsweetened chocolate

1/4 cup margarine

Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away — far away.

Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didnt know Jr had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street. Put Jr in playpen.

Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.

Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in mans front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.

Tie Billy to clothesline.

Remove burned brownies from oven

I know this guy whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken.So anyway, one day he went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over. When he got out of the tub he realized that his kidneys had been stolen, and he saw a note on his mirror that said Call 911!But he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled Join the crew!He knew it wasnt a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to save us from Armageddon when the year 2000 rolls around.His program will prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $600 Nieman Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates.(Its true-I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from Bill Gates Himself, who was also promising me a free Disneyworld vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, Welcome to the world of AIDS.Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital-the one, actually, where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives.I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of xs and os in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to twenty people you will have good luck but ten people you will only have ok luck and if you send it to less than ten people you will have bad luck for seven years).So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himsel

A Redneck Valentine …author unknown

Collards is green my dogs name is Blue and hes all I know of thats purdier than you. Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze Softer than Blues and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You aint got no scales but I luv you anyway. Yore as satisfyn as okry jist a-fryn in the pan Yore as fragrant as snuff right out of the can.

You have soma yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when were in a crowd. On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms, well, Im in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe. Like a good roll of duct tape yore there fer yore man, to patch up lifes troubles and fix what you can.

Yore as cute as a junebug a-buzzin overhead. You aint mean like them far ants I found in my bed. Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt, you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack, my life is complete; Aint nuttin I lack. Yore complexion, its perfection, like the best vinyl sidin. despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin.

Me n yous like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank, we go together like a skunk goes with stank. Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentines Day; They git it at Wal-Mart, its romantic that way.

Some men git roses on that special day from the cooler at Kroger. Thats awsum, I say. Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market stand.
Diamonds are forever, they explain, proud an grand.

But for this man, honey, these gifts jus wont do. Cause yore far too special, you sweet thang you. I got you a gift, without taste nor odor, more useful than diamonds… ITS A NEW TROLLIN MOTOR!!

Se encontraba Juan trabajando, cuando les informan que al siguiente día les practicarían un examen anti-doping en el trabajo. Preocupado porque pudiera salir negativo va a su casa y le pide orines a su esposa. El dia del examen entrega los orines de su esposa.

A la semana en el trabajo los forman a todos en la puerta del jefe, y el los hace pasar de uno por uno. Al primero solo le dijo, está despedido, al segundo, siga trabajando, al tercero, está despedido, y así sucesivamente, dependiendo de la persona.

Pero cuando entra juan le dice, ¡Felicidades!, y el muy animado contesta:

¿Me va a dar un aumento?

No.

Etonces ¿por qué me felicita?

Porque está usted embarazado y despedido.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Chester!
Chester who?
Chester the nick of time!

And which parallel universe did you crawl out of?

Backups? We don NEED no steenking backups.

You know you are drinking too much coffee when:

You answer the door before people knock.
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
You ski uphill.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You havent blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You lick your coffeepot clean.
Youre the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you dont even work there.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other peoples fingernails.
Your T-shirt says, Decaffeinated coffee is the devils blend.
You can type sixty words per minute……with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
Cocaine is a downer.
All your kids are named Joe.
You dont need a hammer to pound nails.
Your only source of nutrition comes from Sweet & Low.
You dont sweat, you percolate.
You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
Youve worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize its not plugged in.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
Youve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
People get dizzy just watching you.
Youve worn the finish off your coffee table.
The Tasters Choice couple wants to adopt you.
Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
Instant coffee takes too long.
When someone says. How are you?, you say, Good to the last drop.
You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
Youre offended when people use the word brew to mean beer.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You can thread a sewing machine, while its running.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You short out motion detectors.
You dont even wait for the water to boil anymore.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You think being called a drip is a compliment.
You dont tan, you roast.
You cant even remember your second cup.
You help your dog chase its tail.