Two men see a beatiful women,seen there are two of them and one women they decide to let he decide.So the first man goes up and says Hey sweety how who you like to taste my candy The women replied in a remarkable tone I dont eat peanuts!
13
Jun
13
Jun
Mrs. Smith was preparing dinner when little Brad came into the kitchen. What has mamas darling been doing all day?
Ive been playing mailman, replied Brad.
Mailman? asked the mother. How could you do that when you had no letters?
I had a whole bunch of letters, said Brad. I found them in that old trunk up in the attic, all tied up with ribbon. I put one in every mailbox on the street.
13
Jun
An elderly spinster called the lawyers office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared.
The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.
The woman replied, You must understand, Ive lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I dont like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?
The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinsters home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.
The lawyers first question was, Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how youd like them to be distributed under your will?
She replied, Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank.
Tell me, the lawyer asked, how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?
The spinster said, Well, as Ive told you, Ive lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so Id like them to notice when I pass on. Id like to provide $35,000 for my funeral.
The lawyer remarked, Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me, he continued, what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?
The spinster replied, As you know, Ive never married, Ive lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact Ive never slept with a man. Before I die, Id like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me.
This is a very unusual request, the lawyer said, adding, but Ill see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you.
That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request.
After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000 and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said, Ill drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until youre finished.
The next morning, she drove him to the spinsters house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didnt come out. So she blew the car horn. Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, Pick me up tomorrow, shes going to let the County bury her!
13
Jun
Customer calls a UNIX consultant with a question.
Customer: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a program?
UNIX consultant: Yes, thats correct.
Customer: No, what is it?
UNIX consultant: Yes.
Customer: So, which is the one?
UNIX consultant: No. which is used to find the program.
Customer: Stop this. Who are you?
UNIX consultant: Use who am i not who r yoo. You can also finger yoo to
get information about yoo.
Customer: All I want to know is what finds the revision code.
UNIX consultant: Use what.
Customer: Thats what I am trying to find out. Isnt that true?
UNIX consultant: No. true gives you 0.
Customer: Which one?
UNIX consultant: true gives you 0. which programname.
Customer: Lets get back to my problem. What program? How do I find it?
UNIX consultant: Type find / -name it -print to find it. Type what program
to get the revision code.
Customer: I want to find the revision code.
UNIX consultant: You cant find revisioncode, you must use what program.
Customer: Which command will do what I need?
UNIX consultant: No. which command will find command.
Customer: I think I understand. Let me write that.
UNIX consultant: You can write that only if that is a user on your system.
Customer: Write what?
UNIX consultant: No. write that. what program.
Customer: Cut that out!
UNIX consultant: Yes, those are valid files for cut. Dont forget the options.
Customer: Do you always do this?
UNIX consultant: du will give you disk usage.
Customer: HELP!
UNIX consultant: help is only used for Source Code Control System.
Customer: You make me angry.
UNIX consultant: No, I dont make me angry, but I did make programname when
I was upset once.
Customer: I dont want to make trouble, so no more.
UNIX consultant: No more? which will help you find more. Every system has
more.
Customer: Nice help! Im confused more now!
UNIX consultant: Understand that since help is such a small program, it is
better not to nice help. And more now is not allowed but at now is.
Unless, of course, now is a file name.
Customer: This is almost as confusing as my PC.
UNIX consultant: I didnt know you needed help with pc. Let me get you to the
Pascal compiler team…
12
Jun
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Les!
Les who?
Les go for a swim!
12
Jun
The Differences:
HIM:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
HER:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because youre too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit cancel
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
12A Hit cancel
12B Call husband to get correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake
12
Jun
The best laid plans of mice and men are all filed away somewhere.
12
Jun
What do Bill and Ross Perot have in common?
They both heard a giant sucking sound!
12
Jun
A woman comes to a gynecologist for a checkup. She seems to be very embarrassed and uncomfortable.
Havent you been examined like this before? asks the doctor.
Many times, she giggles, but never by doctor!
12
Jun
You might be a redneck if…
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.