Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if…
There is a gun rack on your bicycle.

There one was a heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. One day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad that read:

Lose weight: Only $1.00 a pound

Call (202) 555-0238

The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, How much weight do you want to lose?

The man responded, Ten pounds.

The voice replied, Very well, give me your credit card number and well have a representative over to your house in the morning.

About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, If you catch me, you can have me.

Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself.

He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!

That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, How much weight do you want to lose?

To which the somewhat-less-overweight man replied, Twenty pounds.

Very well, the voice on the phone told him, Give me your credit card number and well have a representative over to your house in the morning.

At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, If you catch me, you can have me.

The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself.

He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds! This is fantastic! he thought to himself.

Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, How much weight do you want to lose?

Fifty pounds! the man exclaimed.

Fifty pounds? the voice asked, Thats an awful lot of weight to lose at one time.

The man replied, Listen buddy, heres my credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning! and he hung up the phone.

About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, If I catch you, I am going to have you.

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself, Im screwed.
There is a ray of light from the sky and a voice booms out: No you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone in front of you and bash the head of the chief.
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceedes to bash in the head of the chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body. Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces.
The voice booms out again: Okay…….NOW youre screwed!

You might be a redneck if…
Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.

Q: How many porn actresses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Well, it looks like 2 of them are really doing it, but the real answer is actually none. Theyre just faking it.

Bob and joe are fishing in a boat. bob pulls up a lamp on his line. a genie pops out and said he would give bob one wish. bob said to turn the lake into beer. the genie granted his wish. bob turned to joe and asked,what do ya think? joe said,i think youre an asshole! now we gotta piss in the boat!

Yo mama so stupid she sold her car for gas money.

That it didnt matter how late I scheduled my first class, Id still sleep through it. That I could change so much and barely realize it That you can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways. No matter how cool you were in high school, no one here cares. That if you wear polyester everyone will ask why you are so dressed up. That every clock on campus shows a different time. That if you were smart in high school, so what? It doesnt matter here. That I would go to a party the night before a final. That Chem. Labs/Art studios take up more time than all my other classes put together. That you can know everything and fail a test. That you can know nothing and ace a test. That I could get used to almost anything found out about my roommate. That most of my education would be obtained outside of class. That friendship is more than getting drunk together. That I would be one of those people that my parents warned me about That Sunday is a figment of the worlds imagination. That Psychology is really Biology. That Biology is really Chemistry, that Chemistry is really Physics and that Physics is really Math. That my parents would become so much smarter in the last few years. That its possible to be alone even when friends surround you. That friends are what make this place worthwhile! Dont be dismayed at good-byes, a farewell is necessary before we can meet again, and meeting again, after moments or a lifetime, is certain for those who are friends.

Two rabbis were walking past a church and saw a sign reading Well pay you
$2,000 to convert.

The first rabbi, clearly offended, arched his eyebrows and decided to look
into the matter. The second agreed to stay outside. Twenty minutes later
the first rabbi returned.

Well? asked the second rabbi. Is it true? Could they really be
offering money for a conversion? Did they offer $2,000 dollars?

The first rabbi just frowned and replied… 2,000 dollars?… Is that all
you people think about?