Old and New Jokes

The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the students immediate family. A smart ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?
As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look.
Well, he responded, I guess youll just have to learn to write with your other hand.

One night a man and his wife are in bed when the man hears a knock on his door,
so he gets up and opens it. Standing there is a very drunk guy who asks the
homeowner to give him a push.What! the homeowner yells in an angry voice and promptly slams the door in
the drunks face. He goes back upstairs and gets back in bed, and his wife asks
him who it was. Just a guy wanting a push, the husband says.Why didnt you help him? the woman asks.Because its 3:30 in the morning! the husband yells.The wife, slightly angry now, says, Remember that time our car broke down and someone was nice enough to help us in the middle of the night? I think you should help him.Very grumpy now, the husband gets back up, gets dressed, and goes outside. Not
seeing the man or his car, he yells out, Where are you? You said you wanted a push!The drunk calls out, Im over here!Still not seeing the drunk, the husband yells out again, WHERE?!The drunk yells back, OVER HERE, BY YOUR SWING SET!

A young man approached his family physician and said, Doc, Im afraid youll have to remove my wifes tonsils one of these days.

My good man, replied the doctor, I removed them six years ago. Did you ever hear of a woman having two sets of tonsils?

No, the husband retorted, but youve heard of a man having two wives, havent you?

If I were ol Santa, you know what Id do
Id dump silly gifts that are given to you
And deliver some things just inside your front door
Things you have lost, but treasured before.

Id give you back all your maidenly vigor,
And to go along with it, a neat tiny figure.
Then restore the old colour that once graced your hair
Before rinses and bleaches took residence there.

Id bring back the shape with which you were gifted
So things now suspended need not be uplifted.
Id draw in your tummy and smooth down your back
Till youd be a dream in those tight fitting slacks.

Id remove all your wrinkles and leave only one chin
So you wouldnt spend hours rubbing grease on your skin
Youd never have flashes or queer dizzy spells
And you wouldnt hear noises like ringing of bells.

No sore aching feet and no corns on your toes
No searching for spectacles when theyre right on your nose.
Not a shot would you take in your arm, hip or fanny
From a doctor who thinks youre a nervous old granny.

Youd never have a headache, so no pills would you take.
And no heating pad needed since your muscles wont ache.
Yes, if I were Santa, youd never look stupid
Youd be a cute little chick with the romance of a cupid.

Id give a lift to your heart when those wolves start to whistle
And the joys of your heart would be light as a thistle.
But alas! Im not Santa. Im simply just me
The matronest of matrons you ever did see.

I wish I could tell you all the symptoms Ive got
But Im due at my doctors for an estrogen shot.
Even though weve grown older this wish is sincere
Merry Christmas to you and a Happy New Year.

Bill Clinton has been mistakenly characterized as a yes man when he is really a yes maam.

Why fart and waste when you can burp and taste?

En una playa rescatan a una persona que se había ahogado. Llega rápidamente un hombre, se agacha se le monta encima, le abre la boca y empieza a chupar, en cada chupada saca agua.

Pasa rato y sigue sacándole agua. Una persona que estaba al lado, que está viendo todo, le dice:

Oye, como no le saques el culo del agua vas a secar el mar.

Headline:

Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation

Q: Why should Republicans be buried 100 feet deep?

A: Because deep down, theyre really good people.

The phone will not ring until you leave your desk and walk to the other end of the building.