Old and New Jokes

Even a broken clock is right twice a day.

Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.Tell an employee in an official tone, I think weve got a Code 3 in Housewares, and see what happens.Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to 10.Play with the automatic doors.Walk up to complete strangers and say, Hi! I havent seen you in so long!… etc. See if they play along.Walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, Who BUYS this junk, anyway?Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim youre taking it for a test drive.Follow people through the aisles, staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.Play soccer with a group of friend, using the entire store as your playing field.As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, Wow. Magic!Put M&Ms on layaway.Move Caution: Wet Floor signs to carpeted areas.Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others youll only invite them in if they bring pillows.Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from the other aisles.Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, …Im Batman. Come, Robin–to the Batcave!Toilet pape

The US has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: Attack or Retreat?

The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer:

YES.

The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer:

YES WHAT?

Instantly the computer responded:

YES SIR.

A gentile one asked Rabbi Goldberg,


Tell me, Rabbi, is it true that a Jew always answers a question with another one?

The rabbi eyed him suspiciously and replied


Who told you that?

Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, the new one and the old one.

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:



1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.



2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.



3. Press any key except… no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!



4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.



5. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?



6. Windows message: Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)



7. This is a message from God Gates: Rebooting the world. Please log off.



8. To shut down your system, type WIN



9. BREAKFAST.SYS halted… Cereal port not responding.



10. COFFEE.SYS missing… Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.



11. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)



12. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.



13. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)



14. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)



15. User Error: Replace user.



16. Windows VirusScan 1.0 – Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)



17. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated
and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods
that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other
two are goulash and squid.

A college senior took his new girlfriend to a football game. They found seats in the crowded stadium and were watching the action. A substitute was put into the game and as he was running onto the field to take his position, the boy said to his girlfriend, Take a good look at that fellow. I expect him to be our best man next year. His girlfriend snuggled closer to him and said, Thats the strangest way I ever heard of for a boy to propose to a girl. But, regardless of how you said it, I accept!

A blonde comes home one day to find her husband banging another woman.

Billy, what are you doing?! she cries.

Billy looks at his lover and says, See. I told you she was stupid.

It seems that a golfer came in from the course with contusions about the throat; he could hardly talk. His friends asked him what happened to him out there.

In a very scratchy voice and with much effort he said, Well, when I teed off on the sixteenth hole I sliced the damn thing so bad that it went entirely over the rough and into the cow pasture. So, I climbed the fence to look for my ball, but I couldnt find it in the high grass.

Just then I noticed something white sticking in a cows ass. I lifted up her tail and looked, but it was a Dunlop and I was playing a Spaulding. Suddenly, this lady was climbing the fence – she was looking for her ball too.

So I lifted up the cows tail and pointed and said, Lady, does this look like yours? And she hit me in the throat with a five iron.