The phone call…
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (a blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said,
How should I know, thats 200 miles from here! and hung up.
Curious, the husband said, Who was that?
And his lovely wife replies, I dont any idea who it was.
It was some stupid woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.
A woman was in a gambling casino for the first time. At the roulette she says, I have no idea what number to play.A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age. Smiling at the man, she puts all of her money on number 32.The wheel is spun, and 41 comes up.The smile drifted from the womans face and she fainted.
When filling out your drivers license application you give your IP address.
You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is Hi, whats your URL?
Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
Youre amazed to find out Spam is a food.
You ping people to see if theyre awake, finger them to find out how they are, and AYT them to make sure theyre listening to you.
You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
You introduce your wife as my lady@home.wife and refer to your children as client applications.
At social functions you introduce your husband as my domain server.
After winning the office Super Bowl, pool you blurt out, I feel so Colon-Right-Parentheses!
… and the No. 1 sign you are an Internet Geek:
Two words: Pizzas here.
Two college students, Jim and Johnny, are visiting Fort Lauderdale at spring break. Jim notices the other with females hanging on his every word hugging and carressing him, and he is puzzled.
That night as they bed down under the dock, he says, Hey, what is it with you, anyway? You got women all over you!
The other whispers, Ill tell you my secret. Slip a potato into your pants. They cannot resist you.
So the next day, Jim appears suitable adorned, and again has no luck. That night, he accosts Johnny.
Hey man, I did what you said. I put in the potato and they still wont come near me!
Well, maybe theres something wrong. Let me take a look… Oh, No! Man, the potato goes in the front, man, in the front.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Orange!
Orange who?
Orange you even going to open the door!
Yo mama so ugly we have to tie a steak around your neck so the dog will play with her!
Terry Randle virus: Prints Oh no you dont whenever you choose Abort from the Abort, Retry, Fail message.
Little John had a pet-chicken. He fed the chick each day and cared for her, but one day, to his shock, he found the chicken laying on her back, legs up high and mouth wide open. John ran to his father and asked him to come and take a look.
Dad came, glanced at the chicken, turned to his son and explained – Im sorry, Johnny, but your chicken has died. Look, how the legs are pointing up high to the sky, as if she was trying to get faster up to Heaven, to be with God!
Next day, when dad came back from work, he found Johnny waiting for him. Before he could even get out of the car, Johnny was yelling: Dad, dad! We almost lost our Mum today! I heard a noise and went to look for her and found her on her back on kitchen table!
And, dad, her legs were up, too, pointing to the sky as if she wanted to get there faster! And she was screaming Oh, God, Im coming! Oh, God, Im coming and she kept on reapeating Yes! Yeees! Faster!
Then Johnny nodded and added with great relief Isnt it glad, that uncle Tim was here and held her down on that table? Cause, you know, her screams were so loud it was pretty clear she really-really wanted to get to see God!
A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a
long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the
Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The
Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and
rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The Programmer
persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta fun.
He explains I ask you a question, and if you dont know the
answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I dont
know the answer, Ill pay you $5. Again, the Engineer politely
declines and tries to get to sleep. The Programmer,
now somewhat agitated, says, OK, if you dont know the
answer you pay me $5, and if I dont know the answer, Ill pay
you $50! This catches the Engineers attention, and he sees
no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.
The Programmer asks the first question. Whats the distance
from the earth to the moon? The Engineer doesnt say a word, but
reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the
Programmer. Now, its the Engineers turn. He asks the Programmer
What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four? The
Programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his
laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into
the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library
of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers — all to
no avail.
After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50.
The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back
to sleep. The Programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the
Engineer and asks Well, so whats the answer? Without a word,
the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer $5,
and turns away to get back to sleep.
A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form.
A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says, Heres a pill for English literature. The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!
What else do you have? asks the student.
Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history, replies the pharmacist.
The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.
Then the student asks, Do you have a pill for math?
The pharmacist says, Wait just a moment, goes back into the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plunks it on the counter.
I have to take that huge pill for math? inquires the student.
The pharmacist replied, Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow.