As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but Ive slept with dozens of them.

His wife looked at him calmly and said, Why do you think I gave you the poison?

Have you heard of the new all-black version of a Shakespearean comedy
called As You Likes It?

A blonde owned a small business that she was about to lose, so she went to the church and prayed: “God, if I dont win the lotto, I will lose my business.” She didnt win. So the next day she was about to lose her business and her car. She went to the church to pray: “God, if I dont win the lotto, I will lose my business and my car.” Still, she didnt win. So the next day she was about to lose her buisness, her car and her house. She went to the church to pray: “God, if I dont win the lotto, I will loose my business, my car and my house.” Then suddenly the blonde was surrounded by a blinding white light, and she heard the booming voice of God declare, “Buy a ticket.”

Young
Justin has a cursing problem, and his father’s
getting tired of it.
He decides to ask a shrink what to do. The shrink
says, “Negative reinforcement. Since Christmas
is coming up, ask Justin what he wants from Santa.
If he curses while he tells you his wish list, leave
a pile of dog poop in place of each gift he requests.”
Two days before Christmas, Justin’s father
asks him what he wants for Christmas. “I want
a damn teddy bear lying beside me when I wake up.
When I go downstairs, I want to see a damn train going
around the damn tree. And when I go outside, I want
to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage.”
On Christmas morning, Justin wakes up and rolls into
a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walks downstairs
and sees another pile under the tree. He walks outside,
looks at a huge pile of dog poo by the garage, and
walks inside. His dad smiles and asks, “What
did Santa bring you this year?”
Justin replies, “I think I got a goddamn dog,
but I can’t find the son of a bitch!”

Three men die and go to heaven. When they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter asks them each one question: How many times have you cheated on your wife?

The first one answers Never! St. Peter checks the books, discovers the man is correct and gives him a Rolls-Royce to drive during his stay in heaven.

The second man answers Oh, about 25-30 times. He is given a Ford Pinto and sent on his way.

The third man answers Maybe 400-500 times and is assigned a bicycle. A few months later, the three meet up and the Pinto driver, and the bicycle rider notice the Rolls-Royce man has a long drawn-out sad look on his face. Puzzled, the other two query him as to why the sad face?.

Mr. Rolls just looked at them and said, I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!

You might be a redneck if…
Red Man sends you a Christmas card.

Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand.

Boss, to four of his employees: Im really sorry, but Im going to have to let one of you go.Black Employee: Im a protected minority.Female Employee: And Im a woman.Oldest Employee: Fire me, buster, and Ill hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast itll make your head spin….To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds:I think I might be gay…

Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii.Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheens character on The West Wing.His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is That Bob Vila guy.Outstanding record as Governor of Rhode Island nullified by the fact that no one really cares.Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, The state or the DC thingie?At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, You wanna wrestle?!?Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu refugees once and for all.Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, I win!On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to use a Lifeline.

You might be a redneck if…
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball…"