this ladie needed new blinds so she rung up the company and said i need sum new blinds and they said ok i will be there tommorow.
so the next day the ladie decided to have a shower and while she was in the shower the door bell rang and she asked who is it and he said it is the blind man so thinking that the guy was blind she goes out naked and opened the door and the guy said nice tits
GET IT the blind man HAHAHAHAHAHA =)
WANKERS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A mighty fire had been raging at a Texas oil refinery. Fire engines from all around had tried in vain to get close enough to the fierce blaze to put it out, but the heat was so intense that no one could even get near the burning oil and gas. Hundreds of fire trucks from far and wide had been called and now they all just sat wondering what to do.
Suddenly, an old fire engine from a tiny fire company appeared in the distance. It was the only truck from a tiny town and had been driving all night in response to this alarm. To the amazement of all of the firemen, the tiny truck sped right past the other fire engines and came to a leisurely halt right at the base of the fire. The men in the tiny truck leaped out, doused themselves with water from their own hoses, and proceeded to extinguish the fire.
The next dat at an awards ceremony for the 6 heoic men of the tiny fire company, the Governor presented the fire chief with a check for $20,000.
What do you think your fire company will do with such a large amount of money?, asked the Governor.
Well, replied the old fire chief, the first thing were gonna do with it is fix the brakes on that old truck!
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friends limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion or politics,
Then, my friend, you are almost as good as your dog.
There one was a heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. One day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad that read:
Lose weight: Only $1.00 a pound
Call (202) 555-0238
The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, How much weight do you want to lose?
The man responded, Ten pounds.
The voice replied, Very well, give me your credit card number and well have a representative over to your house in the morning.
About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, If you catch me, you can have me.
Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself.
He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!
That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, How much weight do you want to lose?
To which the somewhat-less-overweight man replied, Twenty pounds.
Very well, the voice on the phone told him, Give me your credit card number and well have a representative over to your house in the morning.
At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, If you catch me, you can have me.
The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself.
He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds! This is fantastic! he thought to himself.
Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, How much weight do you want to lose?
Fifty pounds! the man exclaimed.
Fifty pounds? the voice asked, Thats an awful lot of weight to lose at one time.
The man replied, Listen buddy, heres my credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning! and he hung up the phone.
About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, If I catch you, I am going to have you.
Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: Its on. Its off. Its on. Its off. Its on. Its off.
Two ship captains were sitting at the bar one night getting good and lit when one turned to the other and said, You know what gets me, though, is these damn sailors! Oh sure, theyre fine for the first few weeks, but on those three-month trips at sea they start getting pretty hard up. With all the whacking off going on, its a wonder any work is getting done, and its making a mess all over the ship. I dont know what to do!
The other captain smiles knowingly at his companion.
Oldest trick in the book. You take the crew and divide them into two teams. Then you buy about 50 barrels and put them on the ship. You tell the crew that the team that fills the most barrels wins a bag of gold.
Well thats a great way to keep the ship clean, but then Im out a bag of gold every trip!
Not so, replied the other captain.
After you get back to port, take all the barrels together and sell them to the wax factory to make into candles. You make a tidy profit every time.
The captain pondered this and the next day, he took his friends advice and divided the crew, bought a bunch of barrels, and set off to sea. Before long, the crew took to the new system and began filling barrel after barrel. When they finally reached port, the captain sold the barrels for a huge profit. This is great, thought the captain, before long, Ill be able to buy a new boat!
This went on, voyage after voyage. Then one day, the ship happened back to that very first port. Coming down the gangplank, the captain was surprised to see the cops waiting for him. As they slapped the cuffs on him, the captain cried out, Whats the meaning of this?!
You sick bastard, replied the cop.
Remember all those barrels you sold to the candle factory last time you passed through town?
Sure, said the captain.
What about em?!
Well, they made them into candles, sold them to the convent, and now all the nuns are pregnant!
Iba un negro por el desierto cuando, de repente, se encuentra una lámpara maravillosa. Al frotarla sale de inmediato el genio que, al ver a su nuevo amo, le pregunta por sus deseos.
El hombre, sorprendido, exclama: ¡Quiero ser blanco y estar entre las piernas de una mujer!
Tus deseos son órdenes, y… ¡Zas! Lo convierte en toalla sanitaria.
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket-If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), If you dont have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!
So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy payfor his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. He got into the first cab in the line, How much for a ride to the airport, he asked?
Fifteen bucks, came the reply. And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?
What??? Get the hell out of my cab!!
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions,… with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked How much for a ride to the airport? The cabbie replied fifteen bucks.
The businessman said ok and off they went.
As they drove past the cabs in the long line, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver.
The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only deader.
A brunette walks over to her Blonde friends home and finds her crying.
What happened…why are you crying?
The Blonde tells her that her mother has passed away.
The neighbor makes her some coffee, comforts her and then leaves.
The next day the neighbor goes back over to the house and finds the blonde crying again.
Once again, she asks her why she was crying?
This time the blonde replies hysterically…
I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!