Old and New Jokes

A Pope, a boy scout, and the smartest guy in the world are on an airplane that is going down (because the pilot had a heart attack).

The boy scout says, Well, there are only two parachutes aboard. Who is going to use them?Since I am the smartest guy in the world I feel I need to use a parachute. So, he grabs a bag and jumps out.Looks like there is only one left, and since I have lived a full life you can use the other parachute. said the Pope.No. We can both live! says the boy scout.How? asked the Pope.The smartest guy in the world grabbed my backpack, not the parachute!

Morris calls his son in NY and says, Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I dont want to discuss it. Im merely telling you because youre my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. Ive made up my mind, Im divorcing Mama.



The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened. I dont want to get into it. My mind is made up.



But Dad, you just cant decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?



Its too painful to talk about it. I only called because youre my son, and I thought you should know. I really dont want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain.



But wheres Mama? Can I talk to her?



No, I dont want you to say anything to her about it. I havent told her yet. Believe me it hasnt been easy. Ive agonized over it for several days, and Ive finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow.



Dad, dont do anything rash. Im going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you wont do anything until I get there.



Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. Ill hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just cant bear to talk about it anymore.



A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow. Benny told me that you dont want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you wont do anything until we both get there.



Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, Well, it worked this time, but what are we going to do, to get them to come down next year?

Father: (at the hospital looking through the glass at the newly arrived babies) Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled! Isnt she adorable?

Friend: But your kid didnt smile.

Father: I was talking about the nurse.

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom
and his wife Grace listened to the instructors advice: It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.The instructor addressed the man, Can you describe your wifes favorite flower?Tom leaned over, touched his wifes arm gently and whispered, Its Pillsbury, isnt it honey?The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so Ill stop right here.

** How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?

** How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.

** If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

An older woman went to the gynecologist.

He told her she was in perfect health, had the body of an eighteen-year-old. She was so excited she ran home to tell her husband.

Oh yeah? he said snidely. What about your fat ass?

He didnt say anything about you.

Q: If there were 4 potatoes in a room, which one would be the prostitute?

A: The one thats labeled IDAHO

The hardness of the butter is in inverse proportion to the softness of the bread.

Q: What do UFOs and smart blondes have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

Alone.