A rather senile old lady went to her doctor complaining of draining
and a feeling of fullness in her ear. After the examination, the
doctor initiated a conversation that went as follows:
D: Why madam, I think you have a suppository in your ear. L: ?eh?
D: Madam – You have a SUPPOSITORY in your EAR! L: ??EH??
D: (shouting) –IN YOUR EAR! –A SUPPOSITORY!!! L: Oh, thank
Goodness – now I know where I put my hearing aid!
True story told to me by my uncle Fred D. after my asking what was in Aunt Merles cassarole dish.
During the depression years, Fred and his buddy were driving trucks on a Govt. road building project up in the Dakotas.
It was noon and they stopped their trucks at the roadside beside a small stream. There was an Indian encampment there between the road and the stream. One of the braves came up the hill to them and told them they could come down and eat with them out of the kettle.
They took their tin plates and cups and went down to eat with the Indians. Fred said that he knew what to expect so he took the ladle and put the stew on his plate and went over to sit on a log and eat.
But his buddy stayed behind and was stirring and poking into the stew, obviously trying to identify what was in it. Then one brave spoke up in a loud voice, Ugh! Dig deep. Dog on bottom.
I never did learn what Aunt Merle put in her cassarole.
Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government departments.
European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily difficult – for example, cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations.
In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using s instead of the soft c. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy. Then the hard c could be replaced by k sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter.
There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it kould be announsed that the troublesome ph would henseforth be written f. This would make words like fotograf twenty per sent shorter in print.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.
We would al agre that the horible mes of silent es in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing th by z. Perhaps zen ze funktion of w kould be taken on by v, vitsh is, after al, half a w. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary o kould be dropd from words kontaining ou. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
Ze drems of the Guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.
A boy goes on a fishing trip with his grandpa. They install themselves on the river bank and have brought with them all the provisions they need for a fine days fishing.
After a while, grandpa lights a cigarette. The boy gazes on. He knows his parents wont allow him to smoke, but he gets on well with his grandpa, so he asks Can I have one of those cigarettes?
Grandpa, knowing he shouldnt encourage the boy in a bad habit, but not wanting give a curt no asks Does your dick reach your ass?. The boy replies No , it doesnt. Then, said grandpa, you arent old enough to smoke.
Half an hour later grandpa opens a six pack. The boy has always wanted to taste beer so he asks grandpa for a swig. Does your dick reach your ass? asks the old man. No, replies the boy. Then youre not big enough to touch beer, comes the reply.
By and by the boy feels hungry and opens his lunch box. He finds a pack of cookies there and takes one out to eat it. Grandpa sees this and fancies a cookie himself, so he asks for one.
The boy turns the tables on his grandpa and asks Does you dick reach your ass? It sure does, says the old man.
Then go fuck yourself – These are all mine!
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Osborn!
Osborn who?
Osborn today – its my birthday!
Un hombre querÃa demostrar a su esposa que las mujeres hablan más que los hombres, asà que le mostró un estudio que decÃa que los hombres usan en promedio sólo 15,000 palabras al dÃa, mientras que las mujeres usan 30,000 palabras al dÃa.
Ella lo pensó un momento y luego le respondió a su marido que las mujeres usan el doble de palabras que los hombres porque siempre tienen que repetir todo lo que dicen.
El marido dijo: ¿Qué?
Estaba la mamá de Pepito hablando con la vecina y la vecina le contaba que tenÃa unas diarreas muy fuertes y que no se las podÃan controlar con nada.
Pepito, que estaba escuchando la conversación, le dice: Mire vecina, yo la voy a ayudar con eso porque yo tengo la receta.
Ella, considerando la corta edad de Pepito, pensaba que se trataba de cosas de niños, asà que le preguntó cual era la receta para controlar las diarreas.
Pepito le dijo: Lo que tiene que hacer es comer mucha langosta.
Tanto la vecina como la mamá de Pepito se qedarpm asombradas y le preguntaron a Pepito cómo era que la langosta ayudaba con las diarreas.
Y Pepito les contestó:
Bueno, la verdad que yo no sé como ayuda, pero a cada rato escucho cuando mami le dice a papi que coma langosta, a ver si esa mierda se para…
Se celebran las Olimpiadas Especiales. En la prueba de natación sale el primer competidor, sin brazos. Se lanza a la piscina y al cabo de 3 minutos la cruza. La gente aplaude el mérito.
Aparece el segundo competidor, sin brazos ni piernas. Se lanza a la piscina y 5 minutos después cruza la piscina. La gente, emocionada por el esfuerzo del deportista, se levanta y aplaude sin cesar.
Entonces, aparece el tercer competidor, sin brazos, sin piernas y sin tronco; sólo la cabeza. Lo colocan en el lugar de lanzamiento, le ponen el gorro y se tira a la piscina.
Quince minutos después, no salÃa nadie de la piscina, ni se veÃa ningún movimiento. Entonces, los de rescate se tiraron y lo sacaron, casi a punto de ahogarse.
¿Qué pasó?, le preguntan intrigados.
¡No joda, 5 años entrenando para nadar con las orejas! ¿Quién fue el hijueputa que me puso el gorro?
Tech Support: OK Bob, lets press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter P to bring up the Program Manager.
Customer: I dont have a P.
Tech Support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech Support: P on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: Im not going to do that!
A group of loud and rowdy drunks were making a racket in the street. It was the wee small hours of the morning and the lady of the house flung open a window and shouted at them to keep quiet.
Is this where Frank lives? one of the drunks asked.
Yes, it is, the woman replied.
Well then, said the drunk, Could you come and pick him out so the rest of us can go home?