Old and New Jokes

If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows
and only four tellers?

Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.
Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.
Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it.
Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.
Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.
Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS.
Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.
Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose.
Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work.
When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.

And, heres the Golden Rule of e-mail:

That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.

On that note thouest haveth a good weeketh!

Jessica

http://www.affiliatewindow.com

How Come No One Fights in Big Famous Nations Anymore?, they ask

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — A delegation of American high school students today demanded the United States stop waging war in obscure nations such as Afghanistan, Kuwait, and Bosnia-Herzegovina, and instead attack places theyve actually heard of, such as France, Australia, and Austria, unless, they said, those last two are the same country.

People claim we dont know as much geography as our parents and grandparents, but its so not our fault, Josh Beldoni, a senior at Fischer High School in Los Angeles, told the Senate Armed Services Committee. Back then they only had wars in, like, Germany and England, but were supposed to know about places like Somalia and Massachusetts.

Macedonia, corrected committee Chairman Carl Levin of Michigan.

See? said Beldoni.

Beldonis frustration was shared by nearly three dozen students at the hearing, who blamed the U.S. military for making them look bad.

I totally support our soldiers and all that, but I am seriously failing both geography and social studies because I keep getting asked to find Croatia or Yemvrekia, or whatever bizarre-o country we send troops to, said Amelia Nash, a junior at Clark High School in Orlando, Fla. Cant we fight in, like, Italy? Its boot-shaped.

Chairman Levin however, explained that Italy was a U.S. ally, and that intervention is usually in response to a specific threat.

OK, what about Arulco? interrupted Tyler Boone, a senior at Bellevue High School in Wisconsin. Thats a country in Jagged Alliance 2 run by the evil Queen Deidranna. Im totally familiar with that place. Shes a major threat.

Jagged … ? said Levin.

Alliance. Its a computer game.

Well, no, Levin answered. We cant attack a fictional country.

Yeah right, Boone mumbled. Like Grenada was real.

The students testimony was supported by a cross-section of high school geography teachers, who urged the committee to help lay a solid foundation for Americas young people by curtailing any intervention abroad.

Since the anti-terror war began, most of my students can now point to Afghanistan on a map, which is fine, but those same kids still dont know the capitals of Nevada and Ohio, said Richard Gerber, who teaches at Rhymony High School in Atlanta. I think we need to cut back on our activities overseas and take care of business at home, and if that means invading Tallahassee (Fla.) or Trenton (N.J.) so that students learn where they are, so be it.

Ive always wanted to stick it to Hartford (Conn.), said Sen. Lincoln Chafee of Rhode Island. Oh shit, is my microphone on?

The hearing adjourned after six hours. An estimated 2,000 more students were expected to hold a march in the nations capital, but forgot which city it was in.

Copyright © 1999-2002, SatireWire

Two blondes were planning to rob a bank.

The first blonde had a tendancy to be smarter than the second.

They went over and over their plans for the robbery and finally they headed out to commit the crime. They pulled up in their car in front of the bank.

The first blonde says to the second blonde, Are you SURE you understand the plan?

Yes! replied the second blonde.

So the second blonde gets out of the passenger side of the car and heads into the bank.

Time passes, and after 10 minutes the second blonde has not returned.

The first blonde gets very nervous.

Finally, out comes the second blonde from the bank dragging the safe behind her by a rope, and seconds behind her comes the guard with his pants down.

No you idiot! I told you to blow the SAFE and tie-up the GUARD!

Clovis Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly: The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere, bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.

What do you call an [ethnic] lady having an abortion?

Crimestopper.

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. Ill help you get the wagon up later."

"Thats mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I dont think Pa would like me to."

"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa wont like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Dont be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon."

Two condoms were walking past a Gay bar.

One looks at the other and says…

You wanna go in and get shit faced?

Preheat oven, get out utensils and ingredients.
Remove blocks and toy autos from table.
Grease pan, crack nuts.
Measure two cups flour;
Remove babys hands from flour, wash flour off baby.
Remeasure flour.
Put flour, baking powder, salt in sifter.
Get dustpan and brush up pieces of bowl baby knocked on floor.
Get another bowl.
Answer doorbell.
Return to kitchen.
Remove babys hands from bowl.
Wash baby.
Answer phone.
Return.
Remove 1/4 inch salt from greased pan.
Look for baby.
Grease another pan.
Answer telephone.
Return to kitchen and find baby.
Remove babys hands from bowl.
Take up greased pan, find layer of nutshells in it.
Head for baby, who flees, knocking bowl off table.
Wash kitchen floor, table, wall, dishes.
Call baker.
Lie down.

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, PULLOVER!
NO, the blonde yelled back, SCARF!