Old and New Jokes

You so poor, last time you had a hot meal was when a rich man farted!

There was a young fellow who emigrated from Russia to Texas. He worked hard and prospered. He had a good life and sent for his father to join him.


His father looked like a religious Jew. The son decided hed be happier if his appearance were more that of a native Texan. So, he brought him into a barbershop and had his beard shaved off. He then had him fitted with a tall Texan hat.


After all that, he noticed his father was crying. When his son asked why, his dad relied, Im crying because we lost the Alamo.

Whats the best way to have your husband remember your anniversary?

Get married on his birthday.

Im writing this letter slow because I know you cant read fast. We
dont live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the
newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from home, so we
moved. I wont be able to send you the address because the last
Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved
so they wouldnt have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. Im not sure
it works so well though. Last week I put a load in and pulled the
chain and havent seen them since.

The weather isnt bad here. It only rained twice last week, the first
time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it
would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut
them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried
because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I havent found out what it
is yet so I dont know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks
just like your brother.

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him
out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated
and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends ran off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was
driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two
friends were in back. They drowned because they couldnt get the
tailgate down.

There isnt much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love,

Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already
sealed.

One day the owner of a porno store goes out for a while, leaving the shop to his
salesman. Soon a woman goes into the porno shop.

She asks, How much for the white dildo?

The Shopkeeper answers, $35.

She: How much for the black one?

He: $35 for the black one, $35 for the white one.

She: I think Ill take the black one. Ive never had a black one before.

She pays him, and off she goes.

A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks, How much for the black
dildo?

He: $35.

She: How much for the white one?

He: $35 for the white one, $35 for the black one.

She: Hmmm… I think Ill take the white one. Ive never had a white one
before…

She pays him, and off she goes.

About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, How much are your
dildos?

He: $35 for the white, $35 for the black.

She: Hmmmmm… how much is that plaid one on the shelf?

He: Well, thats a very special dildo… itll cost you $165.

She thinks for a moment and answers, Ill take the plaid one, Ive never had a
plaid one before…

She pays him, and off she goes.

Finally, the guys boss returns and asks, How did you do while I was gone? To
which the saleman responded, I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one
black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!

Yo mama so poor she went to McDonalds and put a milkshake on layaway.

The American tourist got the shock of his life when a Mexican
with a 6 shooter jumped out from behind a cactus.

Take my money, my car but dont kill me, said the tourist.

I no kill you if you do what I say, said the Mexican.

Just unzip your pants and start masturbating, he ordered.

Although shocked, the tourist did what he was told. Right, now
do it again said the Mexican.

The Yank protested but with the gun against his nose, he managed
again.

And yet again, Gringo, or I shoot you dead.

With sweat running down his brow, the yank managed a final effort
and fell exhausted.

Good said the Mexican, now you give my sister a ride to the
next village.

1. In an imaginary world a kiss would signify the end of sexual tension and the beginning of a relationship. In college, it means somebody is horny.

2. In an imaginary world, I really like spending time with you, and Youre cool, mean I REALLY like spending time with you and you ARE cool. In college, it means will you have sex with me?



3. In an imaginary world, holding hands is the first sign of true love. In college it means someone is too drunk to stand on their own.



4. In an imaginary world the guy buys dinner and a movie and kisses you goodnight at your front door. In college, there is no such thing as a dinner and a movie and at the end of a date, most guys want a hell of lot more that a kiss goodnight.



5. In an imaginary world, men arent afraid to admit their feelings. In college, if you ask them what they want or why they kissed you they respond, Why do you think? Refer to number one for definition.



6. In an imaginary world, sleepovers are sleepovers. Just that. In college its an orgy or pretty close to it.



7. In an imaginary world the guy might call you the day after. In college, youre lucky if he acknowledges your presence when you walk by . . . or if he does call back, refer to number one again, for the reason.



8. In an imaginary world even gorgeous guys are nice. In college, cute guys are asses, unattractive men are desparate, and nice guys finish last.



9. In an imaginary world, sex is sacred and special. In college, it happens every night between drunk strangers, who dont even know each others names.



10. In an imaginary world, men have only one girl, chickie, babe, woman. In college, you ARE the only one, except for, Jodi, Jean, Alisha, Sara, Laura, Liz, Christy, Carrie, Jen, Mary, Katie, Jocelyn, Lynda, Alyssa, Jessica, Cory, Rachel, Heather . . .

In the international school of Ireland, there is a very patriotic history
teacher.

One day, the teacher asked his students, Who is the most important man in
the history of the world? He then offered 2 shillings to the student who
gets the right answer.

A French student stands up and says, Napoleon was the most important man
in the history of the world.

The teacher looked at him and said, Napoleon was a great man, no doubt,
but he wasnt the most important man, or the man Im looking for. Sorry, no
shilling for ya.

Then, an Italian student stands up and says, Leonardo da Vinci was the
most important man in the history of the world.

The teacher looked at him and said, Leonardo da Vinci was a great man
also, no doubt, but he wasnt the most important man, or the man Im
looking for. Sorry, no shilling for ya either.

Then, a Jewish student stands up, out of no where and says, To me, the
most important man in the history of the world is St. Patrick.

The teachers eyes became wide with joy and shouted, YES! This is the man I
was waiting for! St. Patrick is the greatest man in the history of the
world!! Here are ya 2 shillings. Ya earned them!

After class, the teacher comes up the the happy Jewish student and asks,
You are Jewish… then how come you said St. Patrick is the most important
man in the history of the world?

Then the Jewish student replyed, Well, in my opinion, Moses was the most
important man in the history of the world…but as you know, business is
business.

When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.