Old and New Jokes

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

Certainly madam, he replied courteously.

Is the restaurant open still? inquired Mary.

Sorry, no, came the reply, but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please, said Mary.

Certainly madam, he replied.

And can I have breakfast in bed? asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please, Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.

The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.

Morning madam…sleep well?

Yes, thank you, Mary replied.

Food to your liking?

Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I dont think I have had better. Shame about the eggs tho….they really werent that nice at all, replied Mary truthfully.

Oh…well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book.

We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion, said the receptionist.

OK, I will…thanks! replied Mary….who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.

Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!

This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives him the drink and he drinks it. Then he looks in his shirt pocket and orders another drink. He does the same thing with the second drink and orders a third drink. The bartender pours the drink and says listen pal Ill buy you drinks all night long if you tell me why you keep looking in your shirt pocket. To this the guy replies I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good I know Ive had enough to drink and its time to go home.

Some people just seem to have a lot of luck. A friend of mine is one of those card players who can almost always draw whatever he needs to win a hand in poker, but loses big time at the races.

I asked him about this once and he replied, Well … they wont let me shuffle the horses.

Three men had been friends for a long time and each night they went out for a good time. But one the men was always getting drunk.

One night the men were out together and the one that always drank too much passed out. The other two decided that they would teach him a lesson to try to get him to stop drinking.

They carried his drunken body to the cemetery where they found a grave that had been dug for a funeral the following day. They dropped him into the grave and left him.

The next morning the drunk awoke and was trying to figure out where he was. He finally managed to climb to the top of the hole.

He looked around and saw all of the tombstones and said, Well, what do you know, Resurrection Day, and Im the first one up!

Llega un señor con su hijita a una juguetería. La niña ve las Barbie y le pregunta a la señorita que atendía, oiga, ¿cuánto cuesta la Barbie doctora?

100 pesos, responde la dependiente.

¿La rockera?

Cien pesos.

¿La ama de casa?

100 pesos.

¿La deportista?

100 pesos.

¿La Barbie divorciada?

500 pesos.

¡500 pesos!, ¿por qué ésa cuesta más que las otras?, cuestiona la niña.

¡Ah, porque la Barbie divorciada incluye la casa en la playa de Ken, su convertible y su mansión!

Iban de paseo una ratita y un murciélago por la alcantarilla. En eso, se encuentran con otra rata que se burla:

¡Jo, tía, que novio más feo tienes!

Sí, pero es piloto, responde muy digna la otra.

A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.

Well, said the would-be-cattleman. I wanted to call it the Bar-J. My wife favored the Suzy-Q. One son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, were calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y.



But where are all your cattle?



So far, none have survived the branding.

A young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriend had proposed but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didnt believe in Heaven or Hell.
Marry him anyway dear. the Mother said. Between the two of us, well show him just how wrong he is.

A man complained to his friend, My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.

His friend offered, Dont do that!!! Theres a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00.

The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noises and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:

You have tennis elbow

Soak your arm in warm water.

Avoid heavy labor

It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.

He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:

Your tap water is too hard
Get a water softener
Your dog has worms
Give him vitamins
Your daughters on drugs
Put her in rehab
Your wifes pregnant
It aint yours – get a lawyer
And if you dont stop jerking off,
your tennis elbow will never get better.

You might be a redneck if…
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.