Old and New Jokes

Ski lift sign, as seen in the Sunday Oregonian (via Parade magazines
annual end of the year celebration circa 1990):

Going beyond this point may result in death and/or loss of skiing privileges.

Deep in the woods sat a bear and a squirrel at the communal latrine. Hmmm says the bear to the squirrel, Do you find that shit tends to stick to your fur?

Yes it does replies the squirrel.

Great! says the bear, and wipes his ass with the squirrel.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the hotel manager came out of his office and asked them to disperse. But why?, they asked, as they moved off.

Because, he said, I cant stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

Safe Sex Saves Souls So Screw Someone Special Soon

Q: How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two, one to change it and one to phone round and cancel the party they were going to have to celebrate the old one burning brightly for 50 years.

How can you tell the Irish guy in the hospital?
Hes the one blowing the foam off his bedpan.

Where does an Australian family go on holiday?
A different bar.

Did you bear about the Chinese couple that bad a disabled baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?
Men miss them all.

Why arent there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
Because they are not going to work in the future either.

What do you call an Australian farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.

Why do drivers education classes in Queensland Australian schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday the sex education class uses it.

Whats the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern Zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say f***?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell Bingo.

Whats the Cuban national anthem?
Row, row, row, your boat.

Whats the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins, Once upon a time… while a Southern fairytale begins, Yall aint gonna believe this shit…

How do you get 20 vice presidents in a mini-van?

Promote one and watch the other 19 crawl up his ass.

Un asmático sube con problemas 5 pisos, llama a la puerta y le abren.

Doctor, tengo mucha asma, ¿qué me recomienda?

Fácil: no fume, no beba, descanse y cómprese unos lentes.

Y ¿que tienen que ver los lentes con el asma?

Son para que encuentre la casa del doctor, que está abajo, yo soy albañil.

A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey. If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then Im against it.



But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then Im for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.

No radio. Already stolen.