Old and New Jokes

Whats the speed limit of sex?

68 cause at 69 you gotta turn around

(Like the recent real Polish jokes, there are Mormon jokes told by Mormons.
Some of them you wouldnt get unless you were one, but…)

A man dies and is getting his tour of heaven. His guide is pointing out the
various features and landmarks when the man asks, Whats that cliff?

Oh, you dont wan to look down there. Thats hell!

The man creeps up to the edge and looks over. He sees lush, green valleys,
verdant farmland and trees everywhere. This doesnt look so bad, he says.
Puzzled, the guide comes over and looks down.

Dang! he snaps, Those Mormons have been irrigating again!

–Craig
…{ucbvax,sun}!pixar!good

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Doris!
Doris who?
Doris slammed on my finger. Ouch!

What do you call a Highlander with four sheep?

A pimp

I expect to win it. Sit back, put your feet up in front of the TV, relax and enjoy it. Let me do the worrying – thats what I get paid for. – England manager Graham Taylor before the 1992 European championships. England didnt win a game.

I have always found strangers sexy. – Hugh Grant, six months before he was arrested with stranger Divine Brown.

I would not wish to be Prime Minister, dear. – Margaret Thatcher in 1973.

That rainbow songs no good. Take it out. – MGM memo after first showing of The Wizard Of Oz.

Youd better learn secretarial skills or else get married. – Modelling agency, rejecting Marilyn Monroe in 1944.

Radio has no future. X-rays are clearly a hoax. The aeroplane is scientifically impossible. – Royal Society president Lord Kelvin, 1897-9.

You ought to go back to driving a truck. – Concert manager, firing Elvis Presley in 1954.

Forget it. No Civil War picture ever made a nickel. – MGM executive, advising against investing in Gone With The Wind.

Cant act. Cant sing. Slightly bald. Can dance a little. – A film companys verdict on Fred Astaires 1928 screen test.

Very interesting, Whittle, my boy, but it will never work. – Professor of Aeronautical Engineering at Cambridge, shown Frank Whittles plan for the jet engine.

There will be one million cases of AIDS in Britain by 1991. – World Health Organisation in a 1989 report. It over-estimated by 992,301 cases.

The Beatles? Theyre on the wane. – The Duke of Edinburgh in Canada, 1965. They went on to produce a string of No 1s.

The atom bomb will never go off – and I speak as an expert in explosives. – U.S. Admiral William Leahy in 1945.

All saved from Titanic after collision. – New York Evening Sun, April 15 1912.

Brain work will cause women to go bald. – Berlin professor, 1914.

Television wont matter in your lifetime or mine. – Radio Times editor Rex Lambert, 1936.

Everything that can be invented has been invented. – director of the US Patent Office, 1899.

And for the tourist who really wants to get away from it all, safaris in Vietnam. – Newsweek magazine, predicting popular holidays for the late 1960s.

All definitions taken from READERS DIGEST:

Scabbardnon-union poet
– John Dratwa
Bartletta small, familiar quotation by the Simpsons son
– Jacqueline Schiff
Stalemateex-spouse
– Phyliss Jean Porter
Silver nitraterental fee fro the Lone Rangers horse after dark
– Donald Spiegal.
Tentaclesa linebackers dream for every game
– Aaron Bigelow.
Stagnationcountry without women.
– John Dratwa
Prisma place for light waves that commit minor refractions
– Johnny Hart

• Youre New Hampshire If you can name the four seasons, BUT

  Youre really NH if theyre tourist, foliage, ski, and mud.

• Youre NH if you own flannel shirts, BUT

  Youre really NH if you wear a tie with one.

• Youre NH if you know the back roads, BUT

  Youre really NH if you drive them to avoid the toll booth.

• Youre NH if you own a pick-up truck, BUT

  Youre really NH if the truck is 4 wheel drive, has a gun rack, plow on the front, and a dog in the back.

• Youre NH if you attend church suppers, BUT

  Youre really NH if you consider it a night out on the town.

• Youre NH if you live in a white cape, BUT

  Youre really NH if theres a picket fence around the house, a garden in the back, a wood pile somewhere, and some used appliances on the front lawn.

• Youre NH if you say Ames-es, BUT

  Youre really NH if you do all of your shopping there.

• Youre NH if you know everyone in town, BUT

  Youre really NH if theyre all related to you.

• Youre NH if you go to the dump on saturday, BUT

  Youre really NH if you leave with more than you brought.

Q. What do lawyers use for birth control?

A. Their personalities.

Q. What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

A. A tick falls off of you when you die.

Q. Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

A. To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.

Q. What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?

A. Not enough sand.

Q. Whats the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?

A. There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Q. What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A. A Doberman.

Q. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

A. If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Q. What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q. Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?

A. They had pictures of lawyers on them … and people couldnt figure out which side to spit on.

Lawyers creed:

A man is innocent until proven broke.

Q. Whats the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?

A. Lipstick.

Q. What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?

A. Skeet.

Q. What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?

A. Chelsea Clinton

Q. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?

A. It might be your bicycle.

Q. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?

A. The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

Q. It was so cold last winter … (How cold was it?)

A. …… I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A man walked into a lawyers office and inquired about the lawyers rates.

$50.00 for three questions, replied the lawyer.

Isnt that awfully steep? asked the man.

Yes, the lawyer replied, and what was your third question?

Q. Youre trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?

A. You shoot the lawyer. Twice.

President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, Isnt that Bush and Powell sitting over there?

The barman says, Yep, thats them.

So the guy walks over and says, Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?

Bush says, Were planning WW III .

And the guy says, Really? Whats going to happen?

Bush says, Well, were going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big tits.

The guy exclaimed, A blonde with big tits?

Why kill a blonde with big tits?

Bush turns to Powell and says,

See, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!

An 8-year-old girl is trying to check out a book entitled Advice for Young Mothers from the local library.Not seeing a parent with her, the librarian asked, Now why do you want to check out this particular book, dear?The little girl said back matter-of-factly, I collect moths!