Old and New Jokes

Q: If youve got a green ball in your left hand, and a green ball in your right hand, what do you have?

A: Kermit the Frogs undivided attention.

Why did Beethoven kill his chicken?
It kept saying Bach, Bach, Bach…

Yo mama so gross her pillow cries at night.

Q: How many Caidans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Nobody knows. They cant figure out what to wear to change one.

A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, May I buy you a drink?

Okay, she said, but it wont do you any good.

A little later, he asks, May I buy you another drink?

Okay, she said again, but it wont do you any good.

He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, Okay, but you know it wont do you any good.

They get to his apartment and he says, You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife.

Oh, well thats different….

she says.

Send her in!

What is the last thing each Tickle Me Elmo doll receives before he leaves the factory?

Two Test Tickles

Dentro de muchos muchos años, está Dios sentado en su trono y como esta solo y aburrido decide que quiere que dos personajes de la historia de la humanidad se sienten a su lado, para lo cual hace poner un asiento a su izquierda y otro a su derecha.

Luego de pensarlo mucho Dios arma una terna que esta formada por Bill Clinton, Jhon Lennon y Carlos Menem, ex presidente de Argentina, de los cuales uno de ellos se sentará a la derecha de Dios y otro a la izquierda. Para decidir quienes serán Dios decide hacerles preguntas a los candidatos a cerca de sus creencias.

Pasa Clinton primero y Dios desde su trono le pregunta:

Clinton, digame ¿qué cree usted?

Y Clinton responde:

Yo creo que en el mundo debe triunfar la democracia, la lucha por los ideales, que cada uno debe buscar justicia e igualdad y la verdad. Creo que hay que luchar por un mundo más solidario.

Dios conforme con la respuesta le dice que se siente a su derecha. Luego pasa Lennon y Dios le pregunta:

Lennon, digame ¿qué cree usted?

Lennon le contesta:

Yo creo en la paz en el mundo, en la hermandad de los hombres, creo en el amor y en la fraternidad

Dios muy contento con la respuesta le dice a Lennon que se siente a su izquierda. Por último pasa Carlos Menem y Dios se da cuenta de que ya no hay mas lugares pero para ser justo igual le pregunta:

Y usted Menem, ¿que cree?

A lo cual Menem le contesta:

Yo creo que usted está sentado en mi lugar.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Istvan!
Istvan who?
Istvan to be alone!

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: You know, one of these days the passengers arent going to scream, and we arent going to know when to take off!

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

The boys mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually.

So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, Where is God?

They boys mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed.

So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, Where is God? Again the boy made no attempt to answer.

So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boys face and bellowed, WHERE IS GOD!?

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, What happened?

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, We are in BIG trouble this time, dude… God is missing–and they think WE did it!