A stoner is walking down a street one night after he just got done blazing up a spliff. As hes walking, he spots this old guy in a ditch who looks like he got the crap kicked out of him. All bloody and mangled, the dude calls the stoner over to him and says, Call me an ambulance. The stoner looks at him for a second, smiles and says Okay dude,youre an ambulance.

If God had wanted people to be gay… he wouldve made Adam & Steve instead of Adam & Eve.

Harry Goldberg has been elected the next president of the United States–the first Jewish boy to reach the Whitehouse.

He is very proud and phones his mother in New York to invite her to the inauguration. Harry: Momma, guess what! Ive just been elected president, wont you come to my inauguration?

Mother: Harry! You know I hate trains. I cant face the journey all the way to Washington. Maybe next time.

Harry: Momma! You will take no train. Air Force One will collect you. The journey will be over in 30 minutes. Come to my inauguration, please.

Mother: Harry, I hate hotels. The non-kosher food! Nahh, maybe next time.

Harry: Momma!! You will stay in the White House, a kosher chef to yourself. PLEASE come.

Mother: Harry! I have nothing to wear!

Harry: I have someone on his way to take you to Macys and Bloomingdales to make you look perfect. You must come!!!


Mother: Okay, okay, I suppose I will come.

Inaugaration day comes. Mother is on the front row, next to the Secretary of State. Harry is called up to become the next president. Mother digs the Secretary of State in the ribs and says, Hey, you see that boy Harry? His brother is a very successful doctor!

Rednecks Ode to a Valentine

Kudzu is green. My Dogs name is Blue. And Im so danged lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like cornsilk, A-flappin in the breeze. Softer than Blues And without all them fleas. You move like the bass which excite me in May. You aint got no scales But I luv you anyway. Yore as graceful as okry jist a-dancin in the pan. Yore as fragrant as Mountain Dew Right out of the can. You have all yore teeth For which I am proud. I hold my head high When wes in a crowd. On special occasions, When you shave yore armpits, Well Im in hawg heaven. Im plumb out of my wits. And speakin of wits, You got plenty fer shore. Cuz you are my woman. I cant ask fer more. Like a good roll of Duct Tape Yore there for yore man To patch up lifes toubles And stick em in the can. Yore as strong as a four-wheeler Racin through the mud. Yet fragile as that singer Named Naomi Judd. Yore as cute as a Junebug A-buzzin overhead. You aint mean like no far ant On which I oft treat. Cut from the best pattern Like a flannel shirt of plaid, You sparked up my life Like my Rattletrap Shad. (A fishing lure.) When you hold me real tight Like a padded gunrack, My life is complete. There aint nothin I lack. Yore complexions perfection Like the best vinly sidin, Despite all the years, Yore age, it keeps hidin. And when you get old Like a 57 Chevy, I wont put you on blocks and let grass grow up heavy. Me n yous like a Moon Pie with a cold RC drank. We go together Like a skunk goes with stank. Some men, they buy chocolate For Valentines Day. They git it at Wal-Mart. Its romatic that way. Some men, they git roses On that special day From a coller at Food World. Thats impressive, I say. Some men buy fine diamonds From a flea market booth. A diamonds forever, They explain, suave and couth. But for this feller, honey, These will not do. For you are too special, You old sweet thang, you. I got you a gift without taste nor odor. Better than diamonds, its a new trollin motor.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Lenny!
Lenny who?
Lenny in, Im hungry!

After agonizing for several days over the situation in former Yugoslavia where ethnic Serbs, Bosnians, and Muslims are engaged in a fierce and bloody civil war, President Clinton today announced that he is strongly in favor of diversity.

A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened.

I did a terrible thing, sniffed the drunk, Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort.

That is awful, said the other guy, And now that she is gone you want her back right?

Right! said the drunk, still crying.

Youre sorry you sold her because you realised, too late, that you still loved her,right?

Oh, No, said the drunk. I want her back because Im thirsty again!

There was this couple once who had everything; the son and daughter, a house, a cat… I mean the basic stuff. Well I guess as the got older they started to lose their sex drive. This discouraged the husband so he went to the doctor and got some extra strength Viagra even though it was still in its trial phase. Well the doctor told him, only one pill a day, and Ill call you at the end of the week.
So the doctor calls at the end of the week and asks how well the pills are working.
The man replies, Oh their great! I havent had sex like this for 10 years!
The doctor tells him to keep it up, and remember… only ONE pill a day.
The wife found out however and started slipping him an extra pill each day without him knowing. So when the doctor called and asked how everything was holding up the man replied, Im addicted! I havent had sex like this since I was 16! Now the doctor was kind of suspicious but just let it go and decided to call him at the end of next week. Meanwhile, the greedy wife (who was loving it) started giving him 3 doses of xtra strength viagra a day.
The doctor called at the same time next week, but this time a little boy answered the phone. Are your parents there? the doctor asked.
Well… they are but there locked in their room and wont come out. The boy answered.
Ok.. Ill call back in 3 hours. The doctor promised; but when he called back the boy answered the phone again.
You just missed them… they came down and got a drink and ran right back upstairs. The boy informed him.
Listen Ill be there in 5 minutes! The doctor by this time had a pretty good idea what was going on and rushed over there as fast as he could; but being unreliable, he got there an hour later.
When he knocked on the door the little boy answered the door. In desperation the doctor asked where the boys parents were.
The boy took a deep breath and said, Moms dead, sisters pregnant, my butt hurts, and dads looking for the cat.

There are more jokes like this at http://www.dirtylaughs.com

Rules For Work: (Should go over well with your boss.)

Print it out and hang it over your work station…I dare ya!



1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.



2. If its really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how its going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.



3. Always leave without telling anyone where youre going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.



4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, dont open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.



5. If you give me more than one job to do, dont tell me which is priority. I am psychic.



6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.



7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.



8. If you dont like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.



9. If you have special instructions for a job, dont write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.



10. Never introduce me to the people youre with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.



11. Be nice to me only when the job Im doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to managers hell.



12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and its nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.



13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. Im not here for the money anyway.

Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blondes head?
A: A Space Invader.