Old and New Jokes

Lots of things go on during Spring Break as the college students let off a little steam. This one student was arrested for indecent exposure in a field near the beach, and was appearing before a Judge.

I plead not guilty your honor, I only went there to get relieved. he testified.

Well, Im inclined to accept your explanation. said the Judge. I guess some allowances must be made for emergencies.

Thats true to a point, your Honor. said the arresting officer. But what about this young lady here who relieved him?

Q: Why did God create Adam before creating Eve?

A: Because every great artist makes a rough copy before he creates the masterpiece.

The Twelve Days of Chemistry

On the first day of chemistry
My teacher gave to me
A candle from Chem Study.

(second day) two asbestos pads
(third day) three little beakers
(fourth day) four work sheets
(fifth day) five golden moles
(sixth day) six flaming test tubes
(seventh day) seven unknown samples
(eighth day) eight homework problems
(ninth day) nine grams of salt
(tenth day) a ten page test
(eleventh day) eleven molecules
(twelfth day) a twelve point quiz

Manolo y Pepe querían cruzar el Canal de la Mancha nadando, 40 Km más o menos. Salen de Francia y a los 10 Kilometros Manolo dice:

Pepe, no doy más.

Sigue Manolo, que despues estamos en los Records Guinnes.

A los 20 Km dice:

No doy más Pepe, no doy más.

Sigue, sigue, que ya hicimos la mitad.

Y así siguen. Cuando faltaban 100 metros para llegar Manolo le dice:

No, Pepe, yo ya no siento las piernas. Perdóname, pero yo me vuelvo.

Manolo llega a su casa y encuentra a la Pilarica, su mujer, refocilándose con otro. Trémulo, amenaza:

¡Ahora mismo me tiro del quinto piso!

Pero, Manolo, si la casa es de una sola planta…

¡No me importa, me tiro 4 o 5 veces y ya está!, grita despechado.

Al Gores wife held a press conference today at the White House where she announced that until the election is over she will shave off all her pubic hair and sit on stage with husband Al, and wearing no panties.



Astounded reporters asked what the message was, to which she replied Read my lips. No more Bush

Little Johnny s next door neighbors had a baby.

Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears.



When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnnys family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnnys parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby so the dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors.



He said Now, son… that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or I am really going to spank you when we get back home.



I promise not to mention his ears at all said Little Johnny.



At the neighbors home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched the babys hand He looked at its mother and said Oh What a Beautiful little baby. The mother said Thank you very much, Little Johnny.



He then said, this baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why… just look at his pretty little eyes…. Did his doctor say that he can see good?



The Mother said why, yes Johnny… his doctor said he has 20/20 vision.



Little Johnny said well, its a darn good thing, cause he sure couldnt wear glasses!!!

A man had been out in the back woods for weeks, cutting logs. He was a bit scruffy and didnt smell very good. Finally he needed a break and came in to town for a few beers.

In the bar, he saw the local jock of the towns football team. He was bragging about his girlfriend and how she was lucky to have him for a boyfriend.

The lumberjack, after drinking six bottles of beer, was heard to say, Buddy, if she went out with me, shed never go out with you ever again.

To which the local jock replied, Hey buddy, if she went out with you, shed never go out with ANYONE ever again.

it says: Australia-Land of strong men (and nervous sheep)

Whats an orgasm, mom? I dont know, dear…ask your father.