Old and New Jokes

Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurting – even the mouse.

The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.

Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while
Upstairs the family continued to snore.

And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
Went into the kitchen and started to clean.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,
tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.

The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said U.S. POSTMAN.

With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.

Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:

Now Dillards, now Broadways, now Pennys and Sears
Heres Levitzs and Targets and Mervyns – all here!

To the tip or your limit, every store, every mall,
Now chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway all!

He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.

He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.

Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
ENJOY WHAT YOU GOT … YOULL BE PAYING ALL YEAR!

One day a medical professor and his class were standing over a corpse and the professor said, There are two things to being a medical forensicist. First: Dont fear anything. After saying that, the professor shoved his middle finger up the corpses anus and licked it. He then told the class to do the same. After hesitating, they all did it.
Next, the professor said, you have to have a key observation finger. Thus, I licked my index finger.

One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washingtons ghost in the White House. Clinton saw him and asked, George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?

Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did, advised George.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country? Clinton asked.

Cut taxes and reduce the size of government, advised Tom.

Clinton didnt sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincolns ghost. Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country? Clinton asked.

Go to the theatre.

Really Stupid People

A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

A textbook nerd is at the beach one day, baring his chest and showing off his pale, shrunken chest, and of course all the girls are laughing at him and drooling over the weight-lifting hunks. So in desperation the kid goes to the lifeguard and asks, How can I do something to get these girls interested in me? What can I do to show off?

The lifeguard takes pity on this poor guy, with his puny muscles and baggy trunks and lanky hair, and finally he says, Tell you what – why don’t you take a potato and stick it down your swim trunks. That way the girls will think you’ve got something really big and hard down there, and they’ll want you.

So the nerd decides to give it a try. He struts around the beach with a potato in his shorts, and all the girls give him weird, disgusting looks and tell him to get the hell out of there. The nerd can’t understand what’s going on, so he goes back to the lifeguard and asks, What am I doing wrong? You said they’d like me if I put a potato in my shorts!

Without even batting an eye, the lifeguard says, You gotta put the potato in the FRONT, kid!

Un joven, egresado de una de las universidades más prestigiosas del país, va a pedir trabajo a una empresa internacional y, con su típico tono de voz pedante, se presenta ante el gerente de personal:

Disculpe… Vengo a pedir empleo.

Muy bien, ¿me puedes decir que currículum o experiencia laboral tienes?

Pues verás, todavía no he trabajado porque soy recién egresado de la carrera de ingeniería en sistemas, en la mejor universidad, por supuesto, ¿no? Hablo 100% English y algo de Français y Japanese. Hice el servicio social en la Presidencia de la República junto con el sobrino del Presidente. Fui el segundo mejor promedio con 9.973. Hice un intercambio académico al MIT de Boston. Actualmente, vivo en Las Lomas y mi hermano es director general de una importante compañía. Además, cuento con disponibilidad para viajar por todo el mundo. Mi papá es master en finanzas corporativas y es miembro consultor de una empresa de las Fortune 500.

El gerente de personal, sin inmutarse, prosigue con la entrevista:

¿En qué área piensas desarrollarte en esta empresa?

Pssss, en la Dirección de Sistemas o en alguna gerencia, ¿no?

¿Y que pedirías por tus servicios?

Pues, para comenzar, una oficina privada con vista a la ciudad y dos secretarias; 10 mil pesos por semana, libres de impuestos; una supercomputadora, (con Internet, por supuesto); lugar de estacionamiento y un automóvil de la empresa… pero que tenga clima, un buen estéreo y bocinas, ¿qué te parece?

¡Muy bien!

En ese momento, el empleador se queda pensando un minuto y le sugiere:

Bueno, te vamos a proponer lo siguiente: un puesto en la Dirección de Sistemas con 10 personas a tu cargo y tres secretarias (para ti solo, por supuesto); también tendrás una oficina privada en el piso 27 del edificio con vista a la ciudad; un lugar para estacionarte al lado de los demás directores; te vamos a ofrecer 10 mil pesos pero diarios, libres de polvo y paja; un bono anual de 15 mil dólares por productividad, una computadora portátil, dos meses de vacaciones por año; gastos médicos mayores y, además, un Mercedes Benz rojo con todo y su chofer, ¿te parece?

Híjole, la verdad, ¡es mucho! ¿Estás bromeando?

¡Pues si tú empezaste, cabrón!

One day, a blonde and a brunette were out for a ride in the blondes new car. Suddenly, some jerk pulls in front of them. The blonde then puts her lips on the steering wheel.

The brunette feared for her life, but had the courage to ask, What are you doing?!



The blonde calmly replied, Im trying to blow the horn.

Die Yuppie Scum.

She screamed her hand off.

Three men are discussing their previous nights lovemaking. The Italian says, My wife, I rubbed her all over with fine olive oil, then we make wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes.

The Frenchman says, I smooth sweet butter on my wifes body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for half an hour.

The Jew says, I covered my wifes body with schmaltz. We made love and she screamed for six hours.

The others say, Six hours? How did you make her scream for six hours?

He shrugs. I wiped my hands on the drapes.