Old and New Jokes

Mirror, mirror
on the wall

Do you have to tell it all?

Where do you get the glaring right

To make my clothes look just too tight?

I think Im fine but I can see

you wont cooperate with me;

The way you let the shadows play

Youd think my hair was getting gray

Whats that, you say? A double chin?

No, thats the way the light comes in;

If you persist in peering so

Youll confiscate my facial glow,

And then if youre not hanging straight

Youll tell me next Im gaining weight;

Im really quite upset with you

For giving this distorted view;

I hate you being smug and wise –

O, look whats happened to my thighs!

I warn you now, O mirrored wall,

Since were not on speaking terms at all,

If I look like this in my new jeans

Youll find yourself in smithereens!

This duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, Do you have any grapes?

The bartender says no, and the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, Do you have any grapes? The bartender again says no, and the duck leaves.

Two days later the duck returns walks up to the bar and asks the bartender, Do you have any grapes?

The bartender, losing his patience, screams at the duck, I told you duck, I dont have any grapes and if you ask me again I will nail your feet to the floor!!

The duck looked startled and leaves.

Two days later the duck returns walks up to the bar and asks the bartender, Do you have any nails?

The bartender replied, No, and the duck said, Good! Got any grapes?

Una bella poetisa se pasea por la ribera de un río y se acerca a un galante pescador, que está sacando sus redes del agua, y le pregunta:

¿A qué te dedicas, buen hombre?

Soy pescador, señorita. ¿A qué se dedica usted?

Yo soy poetisa. Si quiere, en este momento le compongo un poema.

¡Me encantaría!, responde el hombre.

Dígame, ¿cuál es su nombre?

Juan Padilla, a sus órdenes.

La poetisa se inspira y recita:

Al valiente pescador, Juan Padilla, le llega el agua hasta la rodilla.

Ah, señorita, eso es muy fácil; a ver, dígame su nombre:

Mi nombre es Teresita Angulo.

Inspirándose, el pescador declama:

A la bella poetisa, Teresita Angulo, le llega el agua hasta la rodilla.

¡Pero, señor, eso no rima!, reclama Teresita.

¡Espere a que suba la marea, mi reina!

Una moto (un Vespino) se pone al lado de un Ferrari para pedirle fuego y el tío del coche mira el marcador y ve que va 200 x hora y le pisa más, y el Vespino se pone otra vez al lado y le pide fuego y el del Ferrari mira otra vez el marcador y ve que va 260, y le pisa más.

El Vespino insiste y se pone al lado otra vez y le vuelve a pedir fuego y el tío del Ferrari baja la ventanilla y le dice:

¡Que te vas a matar!

Y dice el del Vespino:

¡Que va hombre, si yo fumo poco!

An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks –

Whats your problem, Soldier?

Chronic syphilis, Sir!

What treatment are you getting?

Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!

Whats your ambition?

To get back to the front lines, Sir!

Good man! says the Major.



He goes to the next bed.

Whats your problem, Soldier?

Chronic piles, Sir!

What treatment are you getting?

Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!

Whats your ambition?

To get back to the front lines, Sir!

Good man! says the Major.



He goes to the next bed.

Whats your problem, Soldier?

Chronic gum disease, Sir!

What treatment are you getting?

Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!

Whats your ambition?

To get to the front of the line and get the wire brush before the other two – Sir!

The French national anthem is mayonnaise.

When Mother Teresa died she went straight to heaven.
Upon her arival
St. Peter informed her that theyve been expecting her.
She was the given her Angel wings for all the great work she did on earth
and her angel Halo.

Later on that day Mother Teresa was walking around heaven when she saw Princess
Diana with an even bigger Halo!.

Teresa got pissed off, and went to see St. Peter, and asked After all of
my years sacrificing for the poor and the needy, I get a Halo this
small.
But Diana only took a couple of pictures with some stupid landmind kids
and got an even bigger Halo than me.

St. Peter replied, Thats not a Halo… Thats the steering wheel…

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

Although in recent years, the Irish seem to have been shamefully neglected as a good group to ridicule (except perhaps in the UK), I come from a huge (what other kind is there?) Irish family, and telling jokes at our own expense occupies a lot of our time at family gatherings, e.g.:

A VERY pregnant Irish woman awakes in the middle of the night and says to her husband, Paddy, darlin turn on the light, the babys comin

Paddy turns on the light, and they successfully deliver a little baby, get it fed, stick it in a cradle, and go back to sleep.

A bit later, the wife says,Bejesus, Paddy, turn on the light. Its twins, it is!

Paddy turns on the light; second baby delivered, fed, cradled; couple goes back to sleep.

(This happens as many times as you like)

Finally, the wife awakens, and cries, Bejesus, Paddy, another one, turn on the light!

Paddy, without turning over in bed, says: I will not. Its the light thats attracting em.