Old and New Jokes

1. It takes 116 muscles to climax, but only 17 to smile.
2. Sex makes you alert and ready to face the world… its an ideal substitute for a hot breakfast.
3. The greater the orgasm, the deeper the sleep. Multiple orgasms (20 or more per hour) can induce a coma and near-fusion with the mattress.
4. Eat and drink sensibly. The combination of alcohol and sex, especially after long abstinence, can cause spontaneous fizzle.
5. Improved breath control increases oxygen supply throughout entire body, prevents asphyxiation during mighty kisses, trims and tones pelvis, promotes a stronger upper body enabling you to hold on tight and keep partner from damaging furniture during moments of ecstasy.
6. Better coordination prevents confusion during intricate manipulations, permitting you to talk and perform at the same time.
7. A single ejaculation, especially from a man, contains enough sperm cells to fertilize every woman in the United States Marine Corps.
8. Oral sex is a great way to firm the lower face.
9. After 16 steady hours of sex, it is wise to check your insurance policy.
10. Where am I? should not be considered an abnormal response to immense orgasm.
11. Men who experience difficulty with insertion should see a guidance counselor.
12. Too much arousal can bring on a hard-attack.
13. Its perfectly okay to have sex on an empty stomach, especially if it belongs to your partner.
14. You know that youve had too much sex when your life begins to flash before your eyes.
15. Ive had too little sex when my partner begins to flash before my eyes.
16. Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and in demand.
17. Good sex can correct poor posture, or at least make it stand up straight.
18. Thirty percent of our body heat escapes through the head (wear a hat during sex).
19. Sex on an inclined surface(an ant hill, for example) builds endurance.
20. The length of an orgasm is usually anywhere from three to eleven seconds or four to seven feet.
21. Sexual survival depends on knowing the difference between a birthmark and a rash.
22. To prevent bedsores, oil the sheets.
23. Maintenance tip for massages: change the oil every 10,000 strokes.

Two young nuns having just been ordained were on a holiday in New York City and were standing in front of the gorilla cage at the Bronx Zoo.

The gorilla took one look at this beautiful young nun, bent the bars, leapt to the ground and pumped her like crazy. Then he went back into his cage, straightened the bars and resumed thumping on his massive chest.

The young nun got up off the ground, straightened and dusted her clothes, turned to her companion and said,We shall never talk about this, agreed? The other young nun consented.

Twenty five years later the two nuns, who had stayed close friend, were out having coffee, when all of the sudden, the second nun asked her friend, I know I agreed never to talk about the event at the zoo but I have one question.

The other nun stared and said,O.K., one question!

The other nun stammered, then asked, Did it hurt?

Did it hurt? Oh yes it hurt! He never called… never phoned… he never sent flowers…

Jack Benny was for about 50 years one of the USAs favorite comedians. One of his gimmicks was to play the violin badly (the audience would boo and laugh).

Jack Benny tells of the time he carried his violin case to the White House to perform for President Eisenhower. A guard stopped him and asked, Whats in that case?

To be funny, Benny replied, A machine-gun.

Thank goodness, deadpanned the guard, I was afraid it was your violin!

1. Be thankful you havent been spammed!

2. Be thankful your computer isnt down!

3. Be thankful your favorite forum isnt down!

4. Be thankful you dont have The Good Times virus!

5. Be thankful your server isnt down!

6. Be thankful for a vast selection of Web sites to browse!

7. Be thankful no one knows who you really are!

8. Be thankful someone sent you a cyber sundae, and you didnt gain a pound!

9. Be thankful your 28 year old cyberfriend really isnt 72!

10. Be thankful for a fast Internet connnection!

11. Be thankful no one sent you a cyber voo-doo doll!

Un año tiene 365 días para poder estudiar.

Despues de sacar 52 domingos, solo nos quedan 313 días.

En verano hay 50 días en los que hace demasiado calor para poder estudiar así que nos quedamos con 263 días.

Dormimos ocho horas diarias, al año suponen 122 días, así que ahora contamos con 141 días.

Si nos damos una hora al día hablando con amigos y familiares, eso nos quita 15 dias mas, ya solo quedan 81.

Exámenes y tets nos toman como mínimo 35 días en nuestro año, así que solo quedan 46.

Sacando aproximadamente 40 días de vacaciones y fiestas, nos quedamos con seis días.

Digamos que como mínimo estás tres días enfermo, así que quedan tres para poder estudiar.

Digamos también que solo sales con los amigos dos días. ¡Ya solo queda uno! ¡pero resulta que ese único día es tu cumpleaños!

¡Así que buena suerte a todos los que esteis estudiando!

Ed and Ted went to the fair. They came across a small crowd gathered around a stall and went over to take a look. Whats going on? Ed asked one of the crowd.

Were watching to see if some idiot can ride that bronco machine, he said nodding towards a fearsome looking machine. Nobody has managed to stay on for the full three minutes yet. And theres a prize of $1000 for anybody who can.

I can do that! Ed said confidently.


No you cant, said Ted.


I sure as hell can! said Ed.

Youll get yourself killed if you try and ride that monster, said Ted.


Watch this, said Ed and climbed aboard the bronco machine.

The machine thrashed wildly, up and down, from side to side, around in circles but still a grim-faced Ed clung to its back. After two minutes the machine was bucking almost vertically and spinning until Ed was a blur. But when the three minutes were up Ed was still on the machines back acknowledging the cheers and cries from the small crowd.

He dismounted, collected his winnings and rejoined Ted. Where in hell did you learn to ride a bucking bronco like that!? Ted asked.

Remember three months ago, Ed said…


When my wife had whooping cough…?

One day a rich greedy man bougt a donkey from a poor man. the man explained:Amen to stop. alleluia to go. oh god to trot. the man didnt listen. the man went on the donkey and said oh god, here we go. suddenly the donkey troted along. the rich man didnt know where he was going. the man was coming to a clif but didnt realise it. then he saw it and panicked. he tried saying whow and stop donkey stop but nothing worked. then he stated saying a prayer in the name of the father, son, and holy spirit…Amen and the donkey stoped. the man was so delighted he shouted at the top of his voice at the edge of the clif ALLeluia…

You ever based an argument on the phrase, Well, tradition dictates….

Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a rooster?

A: In the morning a rooster says, Cockll-doodl-doooo, while a blonde says, Any-cockll-doooo.

Your mammas so fat when she wears a yellow rain coast outside I yell TAXI!