Old and New Jokes

What did the Jewish chicken say when he eat the fish?

Yum kipper!!!!!!!

Once there was a beautiful princess who had many suitors who wished to marry her. Her father, the King, picked three and told them that they would have to compete in a contest to marry his daughter. Whomever won got to marry her.

He called the 3 men to his castle and told them what to do. He said I give you each 3 months to go around the world and collect as many ping pong balls as you can. Whomever collects the most can marry my daughter.

And so the three went off.

A month later one came back. He had found 2,000 ping pong balls. The king said that was pretty good but he must wait for the others to return.

The next month another man came back. He had found 5,000 ping pong balls. The king siad that that was pretty good also but must wait for the final man.

On the last day of the last month, a dirty, beat-up looking man stumbled into the kings castle. He was carrying something in his hands. So the king said to him how many ping pong balls did you get?

Ping pong balls? said the guy. I thought you said King Kongs balls.

Q: How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?

A1: Hey man, I just do sound.

A2: One: Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.

A3: One, two, three, one, two, three.

John, Brian, and Martin were sitting on the front porch, drinking a little shine, and talking about their dumb ole hillbilly wives.

You know, boys, my wife Judi is SO stupid. She went down to the store tother day and bought an air-conditioner! Hell, boys, we aint got no lectricity!

The other two just howl with laughter.

Brian the Miniature says, Hell, that aint nothing — my dumbass wife went down to the store and bought herself a washing machine! We aint got no runnin water!

That one nearly slayed em.

Martin wiped the tears from his eyes and said, Well, I reckon my brides GOT to be the stupidest of the bunch, boys. tother day I was snooping thru her purse to find me a couple dollars to play some poker with. I found six or seven rubbers — hell, she aint got no dick!

My friend has a baby. Im recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

The easier it is to do, the harder it is to change.

If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.

There was a Japanese person, a Mexican, and an American standing over a
bridge. They came to throw something over the bridge that they had too
much of.

The Japanese man threw over some rice. The Mexican threw over
some beans. The American threw over the Mexican.

Ahhh…I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again…

I dont know what your problem is, but Ill bet its hard to pronounce.

I see youve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Ill try being nicer if youll try being smarter.

It sounds like English, but I cant understand a word youre saying.

I can see your point, but I still think youre full of shit.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just dont give a damn.

Im already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

Thank you. Were all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be…?

Do I look like a people person?

This isnt an office. Its Hell with fluorescent lighting.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Im trying to imagine you with a personality.

Can I trade this job for whats behind door #1?

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck.

Seen on the back of a truck (on the bumper):

< PASSING SIDE ===== SUICIDE ->

Sign on garage: Dont even THINK of parking here!

And reportedly on another: Vehicles found parked here will be stolen by professional thieves, and left stripped somewhere in New Jersey.

This car insured by Smith & Wesson

This car insured by Don Corleone