Old and New Jokes

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

Nice bike, the cop said. Did Santa bring it to you?

Yep, the little girl said, he sure did!

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it.

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, Nice horse you got there sir. Did Santa bring it to you?

Yes, he sure did, chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, Next year tell Santa the huge dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. I cant stand this, said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men. Hold it, hold it, he said to the men. Can you tell me whats going on here with this digging? Well, we work for the county government, one of the men said. But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. Youre not accomplishing anything. Arent you wasting the countys money? You dont understand, mister, one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. Normally theres three of us–me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back. Yea, piped up Mike. Now just because Rodneys sick, that dont mean we cant work, does it?

Pillow talk in Missouri: Has sex been outlawed?

KANSAS CITY, Mo. (AP) – Birds do it. Bees do it. But Missourians arent allowed to do it, according to some interpretations of a new state law.

I dont know what they were trying to say, but I know that what they did say seems to outlaw sex altogether, said David Foster, director of the writing lab a the University of Missouri-Kansas City.

Others disagree. One legislator says it legalizes homosexual sex and outlaws nonconsensual sex. Another says it outlaws homosexual sex and nonconsensual sex.

The law, which took effect Aug. 28, says: A person commits the crime of sexual misconduct in the first degree if he has deviate sexual intercourse with another person of the same sex, or he purposely subjects another person to sexual contact or engages in conduct which would constitute sexual contact except that the touching occurs through the clothing without that persons consent.

Attorney Dan Viets wrote about the statute in the fall issue of the Missouri Association of Criminal Defense Lawyers newsletter, saying it appears to outlaw any purposeful sexual contact.

House Speaker bob Griffin says the only way the sentence makes sense is if the reader applies the without that persons consent phrase to all three parts of the sentence. In that case, gay sex between consenting adults would be legal, Griffin said.

Thats the only way you can read it, he said. It doesnt make any sense in the scheme of human nature that it would read otherwise.

But state Sen. Larry Rohrbach, a Republican, says the law explicitly prohibits gay sex.

I dont think theres a problem with the law as its written, he said.

Most Missourians need not fear.

The Missouri Supreme Court plans to release new instructions that would make it clear that the law applies only to sex without consent, said Cole County Prosecutor Richard Callahan.

The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ? WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: I had a terrible time with Iran, so Ive come for some courage.

NO PROBLEM says the Wizard, WHO IS NEXT?

Ronald Reagan steps forward, Well …, Well …, Well …, I need a brain.

DONE says the Wizard. WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD?

Up steps George Bush sadly; Im told by the American people that I need a heart.

IVE HEARD ITS TRUE, says the Wizard. CONSIDER IT DONE.

Then there is a great silence. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, not saying a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, WELL, WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?

Is Dorothy around?

Dorothy: How can you talk if you havent got a brain?

Scarecrow: I dont know. But some people without brains do an awful lot of talking, dont they?

Three Gay Men Die





Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated.



Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the



same time,and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.





The first man said, My Benny loved to fly, so Im going up



in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky.





The second man said, My Carl was a good fisherman, so Im



going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake





The third man (Bobby) said, My Jim was such a good lover, I think



Im



going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my



ass up just one more time.

Q: What do vibrators and soybeans have in common?





A: They are both great substitutes

One day a woman was walking with her teenage daughter. The daughter asked, Mom, what exactly is Heaven?

The woman replied, Heaven is when a big strong handsome man pulls my panties down or when we go under the sheets at anytime of the day.

Then what, the daughter asked, is Hell?

Her mother replied, Thats what I have to pay when your father walks in while Im in Heaven.

A blonde woman is driving down the road. She notices that shes low on gas, so she stops at a gas station.

While shes pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so that she can attempt to open the door herself.

She returns outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant comes out to see how the blonde is doing.

Outside the car, the blonde is moving the hanger around and around while the blonde inside the car is saying…

A little more to the left…a little more to the right

I received this bulletin today and thought I should pass it on in time to save everyone the embarrassment of making passe, partisan holiday plan faux pas.

RE: Chrismukah

Subject: UNEXPECTED MERGER

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works about 1300 years.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, were told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit.

As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to A great miracle happened there, the message on the dreydl will be the more generic Miraculous stuff happens.

In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.

One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.

Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful.

After each question, your say: Rubber Jugs and Liquor.

Q: What did you have for breakfast?

A: Rubber Jugs and Liquor!

Q: What did you have for lunch?

A: Rubber Jugs and Liquor!

Q: What did you have for supper?

A: Rubber Jugs and Liquor! . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Q: What would you do if you saw a hot chick walking down the street?

hee-hee hoo-hoo haa-haa!