Old and New Jokes

I was getting my hair cut at a neighborhood shop, and I asked the barber when would be the best time to bring in my two-year-old son. Without hesitation, the barber answered, When hes four.

(via Aiken Drum, Rodney & Cathy, HorridScopes)

I found these sentences in a book which claims that they are from
actual newspaper articles:

Great care must be exercised in tying horses to trees, as they are apt
to bark.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery; we do it carefully by hand.
After Governor Baldridge watched the lion perform, he was taken to Main
Street and fed twenty-five pounds of red meat in front of the Fox Theater.
The Duchess handled the launching beautifully, confidently smashing the
champagne against the prow. The crowd cheered as she majestically slid
down the greasy runway into the sea.
Anti-nuclear protestors released live cockroaches inside the White House
Friday, and these were arrested when they left and blocked a security gate.

I worry about these people.

Path: …decvax!yale!spock!wooga

My Jewish brother married a Catholic wife. They have two daughters, with a son on the way. The wife has been taking the daughters to church every Sunday.

One Sunday, during High Mass, the older daughter whispers in her mother’s ear, Can we go home now?

Not yet, replies her mother, the Mass is only half over.

We can go now, Mommy. I’m half-Jewish.

Bill Clinton Nicknames

McPresident
Dollar Bill
The Bill well be paying for years
Commander-in-thief
Hillary Rodham
the Great Pretender
Willy the Weasel

Hillary Clinton nicknames

Wicked witch of the west wing
Hilla the Hun
Robbery Hillham

19. Thou shalt log on properly and in accordance with the SysOps rules.

Nike virus: Just Does It!

A businessman approached the elevator in his office building and found a blonde sitting on the floor next to the elevator doors, crying. When he inquired what was wrong, she replied my remote wont open the doors, I cant get out!. He looked down to see her holding her cars remote door opener in her hand!

Una joven pretende entrar a una discoteca, pero el portero la detiene:

¡Aquí sólo se puede entrar con disfraz!

La mujer se va para su casa pensando cómo disfrazarse. En eso, se le ocurre una idea:

¡Ya está, me voy desnuda y pintada de blanco! Se acabó, un disfraz.

Llega a la disco, la dejan entrar y cuando está allí bailando se le acerca un tipo y le pregunta:

Oye, tú vienes de fantasma ¿no?

La tía le lanza con una mirada pícara, levanta una pierna y contesta:

No, hijo, no. ¡Vengo de muela picada, de muela picada!

There was this duck that walked into a bar and sat down in a stool and the bartender said, can I help you?

The duck said, quack quack quack got any raisons?



The bartender said, NO! This is a bar and we dont sell raisons.



The duck walked out and then he came in the next day and sat in the very same stool!



The bartender walked over and asked him if he could help him?



The duck said, quack quack quack got any raisons?



The bartender said, NO this is a BAR we dont sell raisons!



So the duck walked out again and left. He came back the next day and sat in the same stool once again!



The duck yelled at the bartender, quack quack quack got any raisons?



The bartender said, NO. And if you come back here once more I am gonna nail your webbed feet to the ground and you are gonna die there.



The duck said, ok, and left.



The next day came and sure enuf the duck came back except he only peeped his head inside the door. He said, quack quack got any nails?



The bartender replied, No!!



The duck said GOOD, then ya got any raisons?

I will meet you at the corner.