Old and New Jokes

Tax time is on the way, which is why this one is coming your way

This 50 year old man was in the hospital awaiting news about the availability of a heart for his transplant, when he was offered the heart of a 28 year old marathon runner who just died in an accident. He turned that heart down.

The next day, he was offered a heart from a 35 year old construction worker, who fell to his death. He did not accept that heart either.

Several days later he agreed to take the heart of a 50 year old IRS (Internal Revenue Service) auditor and the surgery was performed. (NOTE; for those not in the U.S., the IRS is the Tax Collecting agency).

After the man awoke, they asked him why he turned down two perfectly good hearts to select the one he did. His reply was, I wanted one that had never been used.

YES, IM A BAD AMERICAN
by George Carlin

I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am George Carlin, a BAD American.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid-level governmental functionary, be it Democratic or Republican.

Im in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn it!

I think owning a gun doesnt make you a killer, it makes you a smart American.

I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you should do it in English.

I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.

I think that being a student doesnt give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4 years plus, of college, you havent begun to be enlightened.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.

My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and whoever canceled Jerry Springer.

I dont hate the rich. I dont pity the poor.

I know wrestling is fake and I dont waste my time arguing about it.

I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when Im freezing my ass off during these long winters and paying, paying, paying?

Ive never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didnt wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt. I havent burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So, Shut The Hell Up Already.

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if youre running from them.

I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if youre breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I dont want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.

I dislike those people standing i

Johns girlfriend had long been complaining that she wasnt getting
satisfied, because his dick was too short. And now she had announced
that she was going to leave him, and find a bigger guy. John didnt
think he could stand to lose her, since everything else about their
relationship was wonderful. He begged her to stay with him a little
longer, and he promised hed figure out something.

She agreed to give him a week. In desperation, John went to see a
doctor, to ask if there was anything that could be done. At first, the
doctor said no, there really wasnt anything that could be done. When
John wasnt convinced, the doctor said well, maybe the new experimental
… no, better not even consider that. It was too new, and there wasnt
enough information about what might go wrong.

John wasnt having any of that. He said he was desperate, and hed try
anything, if it would give him a longer penis. After some argument, the
doctor agreed to send him to the university hospital for the operation,
which consisted of attaching the end of a baby elephants trunk to his
penis, but repeated that he definitely didnt recommend this operation
and wouldnt take any responsibility for the results.

John had the operation, it was a success, and within the week, John was
ready to put his new tool to work. He was really going to surprise his
girlfriend with this thing. Shed be delighted–it was really big!

First he took her out to a fancy restaurant, and they had a perfect
meal. As they were finishing up dinner, John got a devilish idea. He
unzipped his fly under the tablecloth, and took it out. Then, before
he knew what was happening, this penis snaked up over the edge of the
table, and started feeling around. It found a hard roll, and with a
little sniffing sound, grabbed the roll, and zipped back under the
tablecloth.

Johns girlfriend was delighted! Can you do that again? she asked.
John replied, Uh, I think so, but I dont think my ass can take another
one of those rolls.

She replied, Yes, dear, but I was in love and didnt notice.

A Jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend on the grounds of his fathers house. His father was a successful doctor, and was carrying out a circumcision in the on-site surgery.

As they were walking, they heard a scream and a foreskin flew out of the window and landed at the girls feet.

Whats this, she asked.

Taste it, he replied, If you like it, Ill give you a whole one!

Tres ermitaños, a los que casi no les gusta hablar, se encuentran sentados a la entrada de una cueva; en eso, pasa un caballo a toda prisa. Un año después, el primero de ellos dice:

¡Ah, qué bonito caballo bayo!

Pasa otro año más y el segundo de ellos comenta:

No era bayo, era retinto.

Dos años después, el último de los anacoretas advierte:

¡Donde sigan discutiendo, me largo de aquí!

A blonde is in the car with her boyfriend and he asks her to stick her head out the window and tell him if the turn signal is working.

She sticks her head out the window and says, Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.

There were three brothers who bought a three story house. The eldest brother had the top floor, the middle had the middle floor, and the youngest got the bottom floor.

A little while after they moved in, the eldest brother brought over his girlfriend. During that night, the two younger brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, ahhh.

The next morning, the younger brothers asked their brother what the noise theyd heard last night was.

He replied, Click-turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and Ahhh-landed on my girl.

The middle brother was excited by that, so he brought over his girlfriend the next night.

During that night, the two other brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, ahhh.

The eldest and youngest asked him what the noise in his room last night was. He replied, Click- turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and Ahhh-landed on my girl.

Now, the youngest brother was really excited. So he brought over his girlfriend, and that night, the older brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

In the morning, the older brothers asked him what the noise in his room was.

So, he said, Click-turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-landed on the bedpost!

You could be a redneck if you were just married and you have nothing but empty Skoal cans strung from your bumper as you leave the church.

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich.

He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didnt pay for your sandwich!

The panda yells back at the bartender, Hey man, Im a PANDA! Look it up!

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.