He calls a phone sex line and the girl says, not tonight, I have got an earache.

One Christmas, a little Italian boy sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, “Dear baby Jesus. I have been a good boy mosta of the year so I want a new…” He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away. He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, “Dear baby Jesus. I have been a good boy for the whole year so I want a new….” He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away. He then gets an idea. He goes into his mothers room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it into the closet and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, “Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again….”

10 year old Johnnys mother, who was a hard working single mom, had been promising for some time now to buy poor Johnny a bike.

Johnny, who loved his Momma dearly, hadnt made a big deal about it for a long time, but suddenly decided NOW was the right time to ask. So he rushes downstairs to tell his Momma that he wanted his bike and he wanted it now.

He gets downstairs, looks around, doesnt see his mother, so he rushes back upstairs, opens the door to his mothers room and stops dead in his tracks, cause there was his Momma, laying stark naked on her bed, rubbing herself all over repeating Oh,I need a man, Ohhh I need a man.

Johnny, who was naturally a little stunned by the sight, backs quietly out the door and goes back to his room.

Well, a few days passes and Johnny works up the nerve to once again tell his Mother that he wants his bike and he wants it NOW. So he rushes downstairs, doesnt see his mother, he rushes upstairs, opens Mommas door and there once again was his Mother, laying stark naked on the bed, Rubbing herself all over and repeating Oh, I need a man. Ohhh,I need a man. Once again he backs out quietly.

Well, this time it took little Johnny a bit longer to muster up the nerve to demand his bike, but he finally does and rushes downstairs, No Momma, so he rushes upstairs, throws Mommas door open and there to his amazement was his Momma, lying stark naked on her bed, but this time she had a man on top of her.

Johnny backs out of the room, walks quietly down the hall to his room and sits on his bed. He thinks about what he has just witnessed for a while and then, just like a bolt of lightning had struck, Johnny jumps up and screams I GOT IT !!!!!!

JOHNNY PEELS ALL OF HIS CLOTHES OFF, LIES STARK NAKED ON HIS BED AND STARTS TO RUB ALL OVER HIMSELF REPEATING OH, I NEED A BIKE, OOOOHHHHHHHH I NEED A BIKE

Youve ever been arrested for a DUI on a riding lawn mower.

You keep your teeth and your goldfish in the same glass.

On average, one out of every thirty words you use can be found in a dictionary.

After his graduation from college, the son of a Spanish lawyer was considering his future. He went to his father and asked if he might be given a desk in the corner from which he could observe his father’s activities and be introduced to his father’s clients as a clerk. His observations would help him decide whether or not to become a lawyer. His father thought this was a great idea and immediately helped to set it up.

The first client the next morning was a tenant farmer–a rough man with calloused hands who was dressed in workman’s clothing. He said,

Mr. Lawyer, I work for the Gonzales farm on the east side of town. For many years I have tended their crops and animals, including some cows. I have raised the cows, fed them and looked after them. And I was always given the understanding and the belief that I was the owner of these cows. Now Mr. Gonzales has died and his son has inherited the farm. He believes that since the cows were raised on his land and ate his hay, the cows are his. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows.

The lawyer said, Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. Dont worry about the cows!

The next client to come in, a young and well-dressed young man, was obviously a landowner. He said, My name is Gonzales and I own a farm on the east side of town. We have a tenant farmer who has worked for my family for many years, tending crops and the animals, including some cows. I believe the cows belong to me because they were raised on my land and were fed my hay. But the tenant farmer believes they are his because he raised them and cared for them. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows.

The lawyer said, Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. Dont worry about the cows!

After the client left, the lawyer’s son could not help but express his concern. Father, I know very little about the law, but it seems we have a very serious problem concernng these cows.

Don’t worry about the cows! the lawyer said. The cows will be ours!

Q: How many people in a Burger King advert does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. I cant change my lightbulb. But I can change my burger to a Burger King burger.

Ya mamma is like traintracks….

She gets laid around the country!

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline……

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and we will transfer your call to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesnt matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mothers maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down and cry. You wont be crazy forever.

If you are blonde dont press any buttons, youll just mess it up.

Un hombre y una mujer que no se conocían, coinciden en el mismo compartimiento de coche cama de un tren. A pesar de la obvia incomodidad que provoca la situación, y de las protestas de la mujer ante el guardia del tren, quien le explica que el convoy va lleno y no dispone de otro camarote, ambos finalmente ocupan el camarote y sus respectivas literas, el hombre en la superior y ella en la inferior. A media noche el hombre despierta a la mujer y le dice:

Lamento molestarla pero tengo un frío tremendo, ¿podría alcanzarme una de las mantas que están apiladas junto a la puerta?

La mujer se asoma entre las cortinas de la litera y guiñándole el ojo a su compañero de camarote le dice:

Tengo una idea mejor, sólo por esta noche supongamos que estamos casados… ¿te gustaría?

El hombre, sin poder creer lo que oyó, exclama:

¡Pero claro, mi vida, claro!

Y la mujer responde:

¡Pues entonces… bájate y agarrala tu, pinche huevón!

Estaban trabajando un grupo bastante grande de ilegales en un campo en los Estados Unidos, cuando de pronto llegó la migra con dos camiones para llevarse a los pobres ilegales, y pues que se echan a correr todos para esconderse, menos uno, que al contrario de todos, salió corriendo pero hacia los camiones de la migra, llegó a uno, se subió y se sentó rápido. El oficial de migración que manejaba el camión, todo sacado de onda por lo que veía le preguntó:

¿Por qué tu no corriste como tus demás compañeros a esconderte?

Y el ilegal todo cansado por la corrida que pegó le contesta:

Pues la verdad es que ustedes ya me han agarrado cinco veces y las cinco pinches veces me he ido parado hasta Tijuana…