Old and New Jokes

Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees – always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.

Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasnt making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.

So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, Sarah, Im going to have to lay you or Jack off.

And Sarah says, Can you just jack off? I have a headache!

A tornado goes through your trailers yard and makes it look neater.

Youve got to shuck your toilet paper before you use it.

You have an autographed picture of Bob Barker in your wallet.

LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY

Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the coming Fourth of July holiday and wanted to test fire some fireworks. The only real problem was, their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Oddly enough, fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles. They were launched several hundred feet into the air and found dead some 250 yards from their respective seats.

What is worse than ten dead people in one trashcan?

One dead person in ten trashcans

Even more clues you could be a Redneck…



You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

Youve ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.

You think the Bud Bowl is real.

Your dog goes oink!

You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.

Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.

You know how to milk a goat.

Your kids have a three-day old Kool-Aid mustache.

Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.

Youve ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone inside.

Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.

You have a refrigerator just for beer.

You come back from the dump with more than you took.

Your wife owns a camouflage nightie.

Youve ever worn cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.

You dont think baseball players spit and scratch too much.

You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves.

The most common phrase heard in your house is, Somebody go jiggle the handle.

You cant take a nap without at least one hand tucked inside your pants.

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later: Da-ad…

What?

Im thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?

No. You had your chance. Lights out.

Five minutes later: Da-aaaad…

WHAT?

Im THIRSTY…Can I have a drink of water??

I told you NO! If you ask again Ill have to spank you!!

Five minutes later… Daaaa-aaaad…

WHAT??!!

When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?

If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is because of something left out, rather than added.

The squeaky wheel doesnt always get the grease; sometimes it gets replaced.

A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively Youve got great hair! The man looked around but couldnt see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.

A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say Youre a handsome man! The man looked around, but still couldnt see where the voice was coming from.

When he went back to his beer, the voice said again What a stud you are! The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on.

The bartender said Oh, its the nuts–theyre complimentary.

A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.

How did you know? his mother asked.

Daddy picked them up and looked underneath, he replied. I think its printed on the bottom.