Three nurses died and went to Heaven, where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. To the first, he asked, So, what did you used to do back on Earth? Why do you think you should be allowed to come into Heaven? I was a nurse at an inner city hospital, she replied. I worked to bring healing and peace to many sufferers, especially poor, helpless children. Very noble, said St. Peter. You may enter. And in through the Gates she went. To the next, he asked the same question, So, what did you used to do? I was a nurse at a missionary hospital in the Amazon basin, she replied. For many years, I worked with a skeleton crew of doctors and nurses who tried to reach out to as many people across numerous tribes, with a hand of healing and peace, and with the message about Gods love. How touching, said St. Peter. You, too, may enter. And in she went. He then came to the last nurse, to whom he asked, So, what did you used to do back on Earth? After some hesitation, she explained, I was just a nurse at an HMO. St. Peter pondered this for a moment, and then said, Ok, you may enter, too. Whew! said the nurse. For a moment there, I thought you werent going to let me in. Oh, you can come in, said St. Peter, but you can only stay for three days.

The typical Internet user receives an average of 17,000 email messages per year. Of this total, an average of one message actually contains useful information (it says: Disregard previous email). The rest are porno ads, investment opportunities for morons (Make Big Money Petting Kittens At Home!), and jokes that were originally set in movable type by Johann Gutenberg. –Dave Barry

Technically, Windows is an operating system, which means
that it supplies your computer with the basic commands that
it needs to suddenly, with no warning whatsoever, stop
operating. –Dave Barry

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree,
is by accident. Thats where we come in; were computer professionals.
We cause accidents. –Nathaniel Borenstein

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. –Rich Cook

An idiot with a computer is a faster, better idiot.
–Rich Julius

The most important thing in the programming language is the name. A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language. –D. E. Knuth, 1967

Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. –Kulawiec

A distributed system is one in which the failure of a computer you didnt even know existed can render your own computer unusable. –Leslie Lamport, DEC Systems Research Center, 1987

A computer lets you make mistakes faster than any other invention in human history, with the possible exception of handguns and tequila. –D.W. McArthur

The Internet is an amazing communications tool thats
bringing the whole world together. I mean, you sit down to
sign on to America Online in your hometown, and its just
staggering to think that at the same moment, halfway around
the world, in China, someone youve never met is sitting at
their computer, hearing the exact same busy signal that
youre hearing. –Dennis Miller

Any nitwit can understand computers. Many do. –Ted Nelson

I keep praying for answers on how to do routing and He keeps saying you got yourself into this mess, you figure it out. –David Payer

You can measure a programmers perspective by noting his attitude on the continuing viability of FORTRAN. –Alan Perlis

Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and perhaps weigh 1-1/2 tons. –Popular Mechanics, March 1949

Goto, n.: A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers to complain about unstructured programmers.
–Ray Simard

Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurtling down the highway. –Andrew Tannenbaum

Home computers are the perfect thing for women who dont feel that men
provide them with enough frustration. –J. Wagner

The social dynamics of the net are a direct consequence of the fact that nobody has yet developed a Remote Strangulation Protocol. –Larry Wall

One computer is a problem. A computer network is a large problem. The internet is the worlds largest problem. –Douglas Warren

As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasnt as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in my own programs. –Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

–Unknown

An elephant is a mouse with an operating system. –Unknown

Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.

–Unknown

The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least until weve finished building it. –Unknown

The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer. –Unknown

There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.
We dont believe this to be a coincidence. –Unknown

10. Cooking my own meals would be an adventure, not a punishment.
9. I wouldnt have to explain why Im wearing that shirt with those pants.
8. I could leave the toilet seat in any position I damn well please.
7. I could actually tell the bartender, If anyone calls, Im here.
6. Id be painting the town instead of the house.
5. I could show my girlfriend where I live.
4. Id be driving a miniskirt instead of a minivan.
3. The only weeds Id be concerned with are the ones Im rolling.
2. I would have saved $372,416.21 in groceries by now.
1. I wouldnt catch so much grief about those skid-marks in my underwear!

Q: Why was the lawyer skimming the Bible right before he died?
A: He was looking for loopholes! Q: Whats the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick. Q: What do a lawyer and sperm have in common?
A: Both have about a 1 in 3 million chance of becoming a human being. Q: Why does the bar association prohibit lawyers and clients from having sex?
A: To prevent clients

OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast.

But did you know that:

$665.95 – Retail price of the Beast
$699.25 – Price of the Beast plus 5% sales tax
$769.95 – Price of the Beast with all accessories and
replacement soul
$656.66 – Walmart price of the Beast
6, uh… what
was that number
again? – Number of the Blonde Beast
00666 – Zip code of the Beast
1-900-666-0666 – Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now!
Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.
Route 666 – Highway of the Beast
666 F – Oven temperature for roast Beast
666k – Retirement plan of the Beast
6.66 % – 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast National
Bank, $666 minimum deposit.
i66686 – CPU of the Beast
666i – BMW of the Beast
DSM-666 – Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
668 – Next-door neighbor of the Beast

On the first day of Christmas, technology gave to me:

A database with a broken b-tree
(what the hell is a b-tree anyway?)

On the second day of Christmas, technology gave to me:

Two transceiver failures
(CRC errors? Collisions? What is going on?)
And a database with a broken b-tree
(Rebuild WHAT? Its a 10GB database!)

On the third day of Christmas, technology gave to me:

Three French users
(who, of course, think they know everything)
Two transceiver failures
(which are now spewing packets all over the net)
And a database with a broken b-tree
(Backup? What backup?)

On the fourth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:

Four calls for support
(playing the same Christmas song over and over)
Three French users
(Why do they like to argue so much over trival things?)
Two transceiver failures
(How the hell do I know which ones they are?)
And a database with a broken b-tree
(Pointer error? What a pointer error?)

On the fifth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:

Five golden SCSI contacts
(Of course theyre better than silver!)
Four support calls
(Ever notice how time stands still when on hold?
Three French users
(No, we dont have footpedals on PCs? Why do you ask?)
Two transceiver failures
(If I knew which were bad, I would know which to fix!)
And a database with a broken b-tree
(Not till next week? Are you nuts?!?!)

On the sixth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:

Six games a-playing
(On the production network, of course!)
Five golden SCSI contacts
(What do you mean not terminated!)
Four support calls
(No, dont transfer me again – do you HEAR? Damn!)
Three French users
(No, you cannot scan in by putting the page to the screen …)
Two transceiver failures
(I cant look at the LEDs – theyre in the ceiling!)
And a database with a broken b-tree
(Norway? Thats where this was written?)

On the seventh day of Christmas, technology gave to me:

Seven license failures
(Expired? When?)
Six games a-playing
(Please stop tying up the PBX to talk to each other!)
Five golden SCSI contacts
(What do you mean I need wide SCSI?)
Four support calls
(At least the musak is different this time …)
Three French Users
(Well, monsieur, there really isnt an any key, but …)
Two transceiver failures
(SQE? What is that? If I knew I would set it myself!)
And a database with a broken b-tree
(No, I really need to talk to Lars – NOW!)

On the eighth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:

Eight MODEMs dialing
(Who bought these? Theyre a security violation!)
Seven license failures
(How many WEEKS to get a license?)
Six games a-playing
(What do you mean one pixel per packet on updates?!?)
Five golden SCSI contacts
(Fast SCSI? Its supposed to be fast, isnt it?)
Four support calls
(I already told them that! Dont transfer me back – DAMN!)
Three French users
(No, CTL-ALT-DEL is not the proper way to end a program)
Two transceiver failures
(What do you mean babbling transceiver?)
And a database with a broken b-tree
(Does anyone speak English in Oslo?)

On the ninth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:

Nine lady executives with attitude
(She said do WHAT with the servers?)
Eight MODEMs dialing
(Youve been downloading WHAT?)
Seven license failures
(We sent the P.O. two months ago!)
Six games a-playing
(HOW many people are doing this to the network?)
Five golden SCSI contacts
(What do you mean two have the same ID?)
Four support calls
(No, I am not at the console – I tried that already.)
Three French users
(No, only one floppy fits at a time? Why do you ask?)
Two transceiver failures
(Spare? What spare?)
And a database with a broken b-tree
(No, I am trying to find Lars! L-A-R-S!)

On the tenth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:

Ten SNMP alerts flashing
(What is that Godawful beeping?)
Nine lady executives with attitude
(No, it used to be a mens room? Why?)
Eight MODEMs dialing
(What Internet provider? We dont allow Internet here!)
Seven license failures
(SPA? Why are they calling us?)
Six games a-playing
(No, you dont need a graphics accelerator for Lotus!)
Five golden SCSI contacts
(You mean I need ANOTHER cable?)
Four support calls
(No, I never needed an account number before …)
Three French users
(When the PC sounds like a cat, its a head crash!)
Two transceiver failures
(Power connection? What power connection?)
And a database with a broken b-tree
(Restore what index pointers?)

On the eleventh day of Christmas, technology gave to me:

Eleven boards a-frying
(What is that terrible smell?)
Ten SNMP alerts flashing
(Whats a MIB, anyway? Whats an extension?)
Nine lady executives with attitude
(Mauve? Our computer room tiles in mauve?)
Eight MODEMs dialing
(What do you mean you let your roomate dial-in?)
Seven license failures
(How many other illegal copies do we have?!?!)
Six games a-playing
(I told you – AFTER HOURS!)
Five golden SCSI contacts
(If I knew what was wrong, I wouldnt be calling!)
Four support calls
(Put me on hold again and I will slash your credit rating!)
Three French users
(Dont hang your floppies with a magnet again!)
Two transceiver failures
(How should I know if the connector is bad?)
And a database with a broken b-tree
(I already did all of that!)

On the twelfth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
Twelve virtual pipe connections
(Theres only supposed to be two!)
Eleven boards a-frying
(What a surge suppresor supposed to do, anyway?)
Ten SNMP alerts flashing
(From a distance, it does kinda look like Xmas lights.)
Nine lady executives with attitude
(What do you mean aerobics before backups?)
Eight MODEMs dialing
(No, we never use them to connect during business hours.)
Seven license failures
(Were all going to jail, I just know it.)
Six games a-playing
(No, no – my turn, my turn!)
Five golden SCSI contacts
(Great, just great! Now it wont even boot!)
Four support calls
(I dont have that package! How did I end up with you!)
Three French users
(I dont care if it is sexy, no more nude screen backrounds!)
Two transceiver failures
(Maybe we should switch to token ring …)
And a database with a broken b-tree
(No, operator – Oslo, Norway. We were just talking and were cut off …)

Origin: Written by Dr. Bill Hancock, of Network-1 Software and Technology, Inc., while bored out of his mind on an airplane.

A visitor, returning to Kuwait for the first time since the Gulf War, was impressed by a sociological change. On previous visits she noted that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands.

She observed that the men now walked over 20 paces BEHIND their wives!

She approached one of the women for an explanation: What enabled women here to achieve this marvellous reversal of roles?

Land mines, replied the Kuwaiti woman.

Whats Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy OFurniture!

Here are some actual bumper stickers reportedly seen on cars around the DC area:

HONK! If you had sex with the President

Clinton: We forgive you…Now Resign!

Al Gore: One heartthrob from the Presidency

Adultery IS NOT a family value

Does character matter YET?

One More Whore And We Get Gore

Bill Clinton: Commander in Heat

My President Fooled Around with Your Honor Student

Jail to the Chief

Today kids no longer play doctor, they play President

The Clinton Creed: Take Credit Not Responsibility

If his private life doesnt matter, let him date your daughter.

Save the President: Legalize Perjury

Two terms for Clinton: the second in jail

Clinton: Our Nations Fondling Father

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she answered.

"Theyre all named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, thats easy," she said. "I just call David, and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, David, come eat your dinner," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, thats easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"