1. Word processors never display a cursor.2. You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.3. All monitors display 2 inch high letters.4. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.5. Those that dont will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.6. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES on any keyboard.7. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing UPLOAD VIRUS. Viruses cause temperatures in computers, just like they do in humans. After a while, smoke billows out of disk drives and monitors.8. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villains desktop computer, even if its turned off.9. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesnt go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the characters come across the screen.10. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward. See #7, above)11. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.12. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.13. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.14. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit data at two gigabytes per second.15. When the power plant/missile site/whatever o
Una pareja se casa y se van de luna de miel. El novio, joven e inexperto, en la noche de bodas se duerme sin decirle nada a la novia y ésta piensa que de plano el novio estaba muy cansado tras la parranda.
A la noche siguiente sucede lo mismo y al amanecer del tercer dia la novia le pregunta por qué no ha habido acción y él le responde:
Lo que pasa es que de pequeño mi mamá me dijo que las mujeres tienen dientes en su cosa y la verdad no quiero que me la muerdan.
La mujer se empieza a reir y le dice que no es cierto y le dice que se agache y que le vea su cosa, y el hombre se la ve.
La mujer le dice, ¿Ves como no tiene dientes?
Y él le responde, Es cierto,¡pero que hecha mierda tienes las encÃas!
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?
A: He lay awake at night wondering if there really was a dog.
Arbitrator ar-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arbys to work at McDonalds.
Avoidable uh-voy-duh-buhl: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney uh-lo-nee: Where some hemlines fall.
- She was wearing the same outfit as mine, but who cares? And, it looked
better on her!
- Lets skip that sale, I really dont need anything anyway.
- What do you mean todays our anniversary?
- Can we not talk to each other tonight? Id rather just watch TV.
- Ohhhhhh, this diamond is wayyyyyyyyy tooooooo big!
- Can our relationship get a little more physical? Im tired of
being Just friends.
- Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
- Aww, dont stop for directions, Im sure youll be able to figure
out how to get there.
- I dont care if its on sale, $300 is way to much for a designer dress.
- Hey, pull my finger!
1. JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that ones favourite celebrity is Jewish.
2. TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember ones lines when called to read from the Torah at ones Bar or Bat Mitzvah.
3. SANTA-SHMANTA n. The explanation Jewish children get for why they celebrate Hanukkah while the rest of the neighbours celebrate Christmas.
4. MATZILATION v. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.
5. BUBBEGUM n. Candy ones mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.
6. CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the babys diaper.
7. DEJA NU n. Having the feeling youve seen the same exasperated look on your mothers face but not knowing exactly when.
8. DISORIYENTA n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.
9. GOYFER n. A Gentile messenger.
10. HEBORT vb. To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after ones Bar Mitzvah.
11. JEWDO n. A traditional form of self defense based on talking ones way out of a tight spot.
12. MAMATZAH BALLS n. Matzo balls that are as good as mother used to make.
13. MEINSTEIN – slang. My son, the genius.
14. MISHPOCHADOTS n. The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on ones face and collar after kissing all ones aunts and cousins at a reception.
15. RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbours live in the same condo building as you.
16. ROSH HASHANA-NA-NA n. A rock n roll band from Brooklyn.
17. YIDENTIFY v. To be able to determine ethnic origins of celebrities even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis or Taylor.
18. MINYASTICS n. Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a minyan.
19. FEELAWFUL n. Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.
20. DIS-KVELLIFIED vb. To drop out of law school, med. school or business as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents and Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irvs son David is majoring in biology is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.
21. IMPASTA n. A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of Passover.
22. KINDERS SHLEP v. To transport other kids in your car besides yours.
23. SCHMUCKLUCK n. Finding out ones wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.
24. SHOFARSOGUT n. The relief you feel when after many attempts the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.
25. TRAYFFIC ACCIDENT n. An appetiser one finds out has pork
warning: this is really sick joke!
A young teenage girl wants to borrow the car from her father. She asks for the keys, and father says You know the rules… Before I can give you the keys, you have to give me a blow job.
She thinks… its not worth it, and goes back upstairs to give her friend the bad news about not being able to get the car.
Her Friend really wants to go out and tells her to do whatever it takes to get the car. So the girl goes back downstaris and ask fo the keys again.
You know the rules! says the father. The Daughter then says Ok, if I have to… so she starts to give him a blow job… Then she get a awfull look on her face and says: Dad! Your dick tastes like shit!!.
The father remembers… Oh yah, I forgot.. I gave the keys to your brother!
You might be a redneck if…
You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
Whats the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic?
Only 1500 went down on the Titanic.
Whats the new game theyre playing in the White House?
Swallow the Leader.
What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume?
Sat on the Presidential Staff
In a survey of American women, when asked, Would you sleep with President Clinton, 86% replied, Not again
Whats the new press name for the latest Presidential scandal?
Hornigate.
Most people get AIDS from sex;
But President Clinton gets sex from aides.
President Clinton: I didnt say to lie in the deposition!
I said lie in that position!
The price of oil has skyrocketed; rumor has it that the President is drilling in the White House again.
The latest on Zippergate President Clintons name has been recently identified with the UNABANGER.
Did you hear that they renamed one of the offices in the White House as the Oral Office?
There was a loser who couldnt get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date.
The guy said, Its simple. I just say, Im a lawyer.
So, the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning. She said, Oh! Youre a lawyer?
He said, Why yes I am!
She liked the idea and they went to his place. When they were in bed making love, he started to laugh to himself.
When she asked what was so funny, he answered, Well, Ive only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and Im already screwing someone!