Old and New Jokes

How come you cant find lawyers sunbathing on the beach? Cats keep covering them over with sand.

In the early seventies, Ed Whitchurch ran his game, and one of the participants was Eric Sorenson. Eric plays something like a computer. When he games he methodically considers each possibility before choosing his preferred option. If given time, he will invariably pick the optimal solution. It has been known to take weeks. He is otherwise, in all respects, a superior gamer.
Eric was playing a Paladin in Eds game. He was on some lords lands when the following exchange occurred: ED: You see a well groomed garden. In the middle, on a small hill, you see a gazebo.
ERIC: A gazebo? What color is it?
ED: (Pause) Its white, Eric.
ERIC: How far away is it?
ED: About 50 yards.
ERIC: How big is it?
ED: (Pause) Its about 30 ft across, 15 ft high, with a pointed top.
ERIC: I use my sword to detect good on it.
ED: Its not good, Eric. Its a gazebo.
ERIC: (Pause) I call out to it.
ED: It wont answer. Its a gazebo.
ERIC: (Pause) I sheathe my sword and draw my bow and arrows. Does it respond in any way?
ED: No, Eric, its a gazebo!
ERIC: I shoot it with my bow (roll to hit). What happened?
ED: There is now a gazebo with an arrow sticking out of it.
ERIC: (Pause) Wasnt it wounded?
ED: OF COURSE NOT, ERIC! ITS A GAZEBO!
ERIC: (Whimper) But that was a +3 arrow!
ED: Its a gazebo, Eric, a GAZEBO! If you really want to try to destroy it, you could try to chop it with an axe, I suppose, or you could try to burn it, but I dont know why anybody would even try. Its a @#$%!! gazebo!
ERIC: (Long pause. He has no axe or fire spells.) I run away.
ED: (Thoroughly frustrated) Its too late. Youve awakened the gazebo. It catches you and eats you.
ERIC: (Reaching for his dice) Maybe Ill roll up a fire-using mage so I can avenge my Paladin. At this point, the increasingly amused fellow party members restored a modicum of order by explaining to Eric what a gazebo is. Thus ends the tale of Eric and the Dread Gazebo. It could have bee

By Hank Vorjes

VATICAN CITY (AP) – In a joint press conference in St. Peters Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.

With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined companys new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.

We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years, said Gates. The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people.

Through the MICROSOFT Network, the companys new on-line service, we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution — even reduce your time in Purgatory — all without leaving your home.

A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.

An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peters Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello — in character as Father Guido Sarducci — hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.

Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats, the crowd roared, but the pontiffs smile seemed strained.

The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vaticans prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors access to these key intellectual properties.

The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures, said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. You take the parting of the Red Sea — we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene.

But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience, notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Churchs market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.

Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Churchs mission is to reach the four corners of the earth, echoing MICROSOFTs vision of a computer on every desktop and in every home.

Gates described MICROSOFTs long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired — One religion, a couple of different implementations, said Gates.

The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.

Copyright (c) 1994 Knight-Ridder / Tribune Business News Received via NewsEDGE from Desktop Data, Inc.: 03/07/94 19:20

THE ABOVE MATERIAL IS COPYRIGHTED AND SHOULD NOT BE REPRODUCED OR DISTRIBUTED.

A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer.

I know, he says, they say you cant take it with you. But who knows? Suppose theyre mistaken. Id like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that its useful, Ill have something.

They each agree to carry out his wish.

Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin.

After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, -Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we havent be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friends money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked.

At this the priest says, I, too have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as out friend requested.

Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says, I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars.

Two muffins are in a toaster oven, first muffin says: Boy, its hot in here second muffin says, I dont believe it, a talking muffin!

A certain young man finally won a date with the blonde female of somewhat questionable morals that lived in his apartment complex.To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself.



Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get a sunburn on his tool of the trade. But the young man was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.



The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a homecooked dinner, after which they went into the livingroom to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young mans sunburn started acting up again.He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.



The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his johnson immersed in a glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, So thats how you guys load those things!

As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.

-Home

In the end only roaches and fruit cake will be left and the funny thing is that the roaches die of starvation!

A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife cant hear him.

How bad is it? the doctor asks.

I have no idea, the husband says.

Well, please test her. Stand 20 feet away from her and say something. If she doesnt hear you, get closer and say the same thing. Keep moving closer and closer and repeating the comment until she does hear you. That way well have an idea of her range of hearing loss.

So the man goes home and sees his wife in the kitchen chopping up vegetables for dinner. From 20 feet away: What are we having for dinner?

No answer. From 10 feet: Same thing. From 5 feet: Same thing. Finally, hes standing right behind her: Whats for dinner?

She turns around, looks at him and says:For the FOURTH time, BEEF STEW!