Old and New Jokes

Oh…thats odd…I thought I had reservations!

The following ritual was found in a musty, dusty old fragment of parchment lodged between the musty old pages of a musty, dusty old book in a musty, dusty old library whose musty, dusty old dust hadnt been disturbed by the presence of man in many a musty, dusty old century. It took a great deal of effort to translate the original writings. After months of effort and research in language libraries, it was finally determined that the weird script was not some arcane, forgotten language, but English, written by someone with a very bad case of caffeine jitters. Another fragment indicated that this was once part of a book, entitled The Mystery of the StarBuck. THE CAFFEINATED CROSS
Stand, facing east, holding your coffee cup, filled with the mystical brew, in your power hand, and assume a posture of wakeful alertness. Bring your coffee cup to your forehead and intone: LATTE Lower your coffee cup to the vicinity of your navel: MOCHA Bring your coffee cup to your left shoulder: CAPPUCHINO Bring it across to your right shoulder: FRAPPUCHINO Clasp your coffee cup in both hands over your heart chakra: ARABICA, OH MAN! Extend your arms to the sides, and intone: BEFORE ME, MRS. OLSON BEHIND ME, JUAN VALDEZ AT MY RIGHT HAND, M J B AT MY LEFT HAND, THE BROTHERS HILLS FOR ABOUT ME SWIRLS THE COFFEE AROMA WITHIN ME SINGS THE CAFFEINE HIGH Drink the coffee, in communion with the spirits of the Sacred Coffee Bean. This last step may be usefully repeated as long as you like.

Q: Whats the difference between Personal Injury lawyers and Congress?
A: No fee–If No Recovery!

Estaban dos loquitos, que tenían tres días sin comer, en el cementerio. A lo lejos ven un pedazo de pan tirado en el suelo y ambos salen corriendo a todo pulmón, empujándose y golpeándose, hasta que uno gana y de un tirón se lo engulle. El que no comió nada se le queda mirando y con aire de desaprobación le dice:

¡Cómo es posible que te comas esa porquería! ¡Quién sabe de dónde salió y qué suciedades tendrá!

Entonces, aquel siente náuseas y vomita todo. El otro loquito rápido comienza a comerse el vómito y a decir:

Así es como me gusta a mí: calientito.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

76. When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you leave.

The first 90 percent of the task takes 90 percent of the time, the last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent.

Q. Why wont men ever pick up after themselves?A. Why should we? It doesnt really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well youll pick it up when you finally get tired of looking at it.Q. Whats with all the belching and farting?A. This usually only occurs after months of courting. Its our way to let you know that were comfortable with you. Believe it or not, its actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.Q. Why do men hate shopping?A. Going shopping simply makes no sense of any kind to men. This is comparable to going from restaurant to restaurant, looking at all the food, putting some in your mouth, but never actually swallowing (I wont even comment on the subject of women and swallowing).Q. How can men be so inconsiderate?A. Frankly, Im hurt that you can even say such a thing. Lets take sex for instance. If a man lasts more than five minutes with you, hes thinking of nothing but you. To a man, an orgasm is an orgasm, whether achieved after five minutes or an hour of intercourse. Remember that the next time you have sex. We do it all, and we do it for you.Q. Why cant men ever leave the toilet seat down?A. Have you ever seen one of us pee? The proper position of the toilet seat is up. Mathematically speaking, the proper position of the toilet seat is a function of the peeing frequency over the sitting frequency. The closer that ratio approaches one, the truer the proposition. Besides, its actually a courtesy that we lift the seat. Why would we care if we pee all over the seat. Youre the ones that have to sit on it. You should appreciate the fact that we actually lift the darn thing. After all, we aim to please.Q. Why do most men hate fuzzy toilet seat covers?A. Who wants to pee in front of a guillotine, much less a pink fuzzy one? All the extra fuzz makes it impossible for the toilet seat to stay up properly. You either have to be talented enough

Jack was a grumpy old man, who likes visiting pubs. He loved to tell people in the pub of all his belongings.

One night, old Jack went to a local pub. As the night get older, Jack gets drunker.

One of the locals there, offered him a lift to his house.

He invited the man into the house. Jack asks the man, Do you see that lamp?

Yes the man replied.

Well, thats mine. Do you see that carpet?

Yes.

Well thats mine.

Old Jack show the man everything and make him aware of all his belongings. They finally came to the bedroom.

Do you see that bed?

Yes.

Well, thats mine.

Do you see that women on the bed?

Yes.

Well, thats mine.

Do you see the man next to her?

Yes Jack, I see!

Well, thats me.

Why does the Law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service!

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A tick falls off you when you die !

Whats the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead lawyer on the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog!

What is black & brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common? One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming human.

Lawyers creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

Youre trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets, what should you do? Shoot the lawyer, twice !!

What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a sleazy politician? Chelsea Clinton.

It was so cold around here last winter, (how cold was it?) I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets !

Whats the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull terrier? Lipstick !

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from a plane? Skeet.

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand.

Why has there never been a reported case of a shark biting a lawyer? Professional courtesy !

Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a lost hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course; all of the other three are mythical creatures!

One day, in the far off future, a man met his clone. They decided to hike to the top of a steep cliff and started talking.

They were admiring the view when the clone started reeling off obsenity after obsenity.

The man cant believe what he is hearing. His clone is one foul-mouthed individual. The man gets so upset that he throws the clone over the edge and he falls to a tragic end.

What do you think the police charged him with?

Making an obscene clone fall.