Incompetence is a double-edged banana.

What brand of underwear does Monica Lewinsky wear?

Presidents Choice.

Christ did not say Kill trees for Christmas.

One beautiful morning an atheist was walking through the forest,
admiring natures beauties. He looked up and saw the trees swaying in
the wind high above him, and he smiled. He saw the river glittering in
the sun, and it made him warm inside. He thought to himself that
mother nature had made a truly wonderful world.

The atheist walked a little farther down the path he had taken when
suddenly a bear jumped out of the bushes only a few yards ahead of
him. The bear looked hungry, it started growling and running towards
him.

Seeing the big bear bounding towards him he screamed in horror and
started running as fast as he could away from the bear. Knowing that
the bear would catch him and he had no chance, the atheist soon ran
out of breath and finally fell to the ground.

As the bears shadow fell upon his face and his paws came down upon
his chest, the atheist screamed, Oh help me god!

Suddenly the trees that he so much admired stopped swaying. The river
he loved suddenly stopped flowing. And the sky opened up and a voice
begun to speak, I am god, and even though you dont believe in me, I
am here for every being on this Earth.

The atheist felt relieved a little bit and asked God, Im sort of in
this situation, Im only asking if you could help me get out of it.

God thought for a moment and said, I will give you one wish to help
you and that is all, you may proceed with this wish.

The atheist thought about this wish for a moment and then spoke to
God, Well, I dont really want to become a christian, so I wish the
bear to become a christian.

God spoke, So be it done.

Suddenly the sky closed up. The river turned back into its flowing
glory. The trees began to sway again.

And the bear clapped his paws together and said, Thank you, God, for
this meal Im about to receive.

THE TOUGHEST DECISION: SHOULD MY LOVED ONE BE PLACED IN AN ASSISTED COMPUTING FACILITY?

For family members, it is often the most difficult and painful decision they will face: to accept that a loved one – a parent, a spouse, perhaps a sibling – is technologically impaired and should no longer be allowed to live independently, or come near a computer or electronic device without direct supervision. The time has come to place that loved one into the care of an Assisted Computing Facility. But you have questions. So many questions.

We at Silicon Pines want to help.

WHAT EXACTLY IS AN ASSISTED COMPUTING FACILITY?

Sometimes referred to as Homes for the Technologically Infirm, Technical Invalid Care Centers, or Homes for the Technically Challenged, Assisted Computing Facilities (ACFs) are modeled on assisted living facilities, and provide a safe, structured residential environment for those unable to handle even the most common, everyday multitasks. Most fully accredited ACFs, like Silicon Pines, are an oasis of hope and encouragement that allow residents to lead productive, technologically relevant lives without the fear and anxiety associated with actually having to understand or execute the technologies themselves.

WHO SHOULD BE IN AN ACF?

Sadly, technology is advancing at such a dramatic rate that many millions, of all ages, will never truly be able to understand it, putting an undue burden on those friends and family members who must explain it to them. But unless the loved one is suffering from a truly debilitating affliction, such as Reinstallzheimers, the decision to commit is entirely personal. You must ask yourself:

How frustrated am I that my parent/sibling/spouse is unable to open an email attachment?

How much of my time should be taken up explaining how RAM is different from hard drive memory?

How many times can I bear to hear my dad say, Hey, can I replace the motherboard with a fatherboard? Ha ha ha!

To make things easier, we have prepared a list of Warning Signs which we encourage you to return to often, or, if you cant figure out how to bookmark it, print out. Also, please take a moment to read Im Glad Im in Here! – A Residents Story.

MUST IT BE FAMILY, OR CAN I PLACE ANYONE IN AN ACF?

Several corporations have sought permission to have certain employees, or at times entire sales departments, committed to ACFs. At present, however, individuals can be committed only by direct family or self-internment. The reason is simple: there are not nearly enough ACFs in the world to accommodate all the technologically challenged. For example, there are currently only 860,000 beds available in ACFs, but there are 29 million AOL users.

HOW MUCH WILL IT COST?

ACF rents range from free up to $12,500 per month. The disparity is currently a point of contention in the ACF industry. Many residents are covered through government programs such as Compucaid or Compucare, but reimbursement rates are low and only cover a portion of the fees.

Exacerbating the situation are the HMOs (HelpDesk Maintenance Organizations), which often deny coverage, forcing residents to pay out of pocket or turn to expensive private techcare insurers such as BlueCache/BlueScreen.

Offsetting the costs are technology companies themselves, many of which subsidize ACFs. Firms such as Microsoft, Dell, Qualcomm, and America Online will pay up to 100 percent of a residents monthly bill, but there is a catch. ISPs, for instance, require residents to sign service contracts lasting a year or more. Microsoft, meanwhile, prohibits the installation of any competitive software, while Priceline requires that residents buy shares of its stock, which seems onerous but saves residents on lavatory tissue.

HOW OLD MUST I BE TO HAVE SOMEONE COMMITTED?

Until very recently, you had to be 18 or older to legally commit a family member. However, the now famous British court case Frazier vs. Frazier and Frazier has cleared the way for minors to commit their parents. In that case, 15-year-old Bradley Frazier of Leicester had his 37-year-old parents committed to an ACF in Bournemouth after a judge ruled Ian and Janet Frazier were a danger to themselves and the community. According to court records, Bradley told his parents about the I LoveYou virus and warned them not to click attachments, then the next day his parents received an I LoveYou email and clicked on the attachment because, they explained, it came from someone we know.

WHAT SHOULD I LOOK FOR IN AN ACF?

First, make sure its a genuine Assisted Computing Facility, and not an Assisted Living Facility. To tell the difference, observe the residents. If they look rather old and tend to openly discuss bowel movements, this is probably assisted living. On the other hand, if they vary in age and say things like, Im supposed to figure that out? Im not Bill goddamned Gates you know!, this is probably assisted computing.

Also, at a well-run ACF, residents should lead full, independent lives, and should be allowed the use of many technology devices, including telephones, electric toothbrushes, and alarm clocks. However, only a facilitys Licensed Techcare Professionals (LTPs) should perform computational or technological tasks such as installing programs or saving email attachments. And LTPs should NEVER answer residents questions because studies have shown that answering user questions inevitably makes things worse. Instead, residents should simply have things done for them, relieving them of the pressure to learn or improve.

CAN A RESIDENT EVER GET OUT?

No.

OK, THIS SOUNDS PROMISING. HOW CAN I LEARN MORE?

For your enlightenment, we offer extensive information on Silicon Pines and the ACF lifestyle, which can be found by clicking one of the links in the navigation bars found at both the top and bottom of this page. But whatever you decide, keep in mind that due to demand, ACFs now have long waiting lists. WebTV & AOL users alone will take years to absorb.

From the Zeitgeist column of The Guardian Weekend (18 Dec 1993)

On his LBC show last week, Sun* columnist Richard Littlejohn railed against a politically correct nursery school in Essex, whose Christmas play featured not Santa Claus but MOTHER Christmas (to explore issues of femininity and feminism).

Littlejohn complained that it was using Christmas to indoctrinate children and that it debases and devalues Christmas

Mother Christmas doesnt exist! he protested.

Zeitgeist hates to be the one to have to tell him, but someones got to; Richard, neither does FATHER Christmas.

( * The Sun is a rabidly right-wing daily tabloid, aimed at people who do not need to take their shoes and socks off to register their IQ score.)

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: Wife wanted.

The next day he received a hundred letters.

They all said the same : You can have mine.

Whats the definition of a perfect woman?

a) Three feet tall with a round hole for a mouth and a flat head so that you can put a pint of beer on it.

b) The sports model has pullback ears and her teeth fold in.

c) The economy model fucks all night and, at midnight, turns into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack.

Jeff and Mike were in an accident, and killed instantly. Upon Jeffs arrival to the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter. Where is my friend Mike? Jeff asked. St. Peters replies, Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven. Jeff was bothered by this and asked, Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK? So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous sexy blonde in a bikini, and a keg of beer. I dont mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell. says Jeff.Its not as it appears to be. says St. Peter. You
see, the keg has a hole in it, and the blonde doesnt.

1. He is the only man who has never been compared to the man she could have married.

2. He had no in-laws to drop in.

3. There were no Jones for him to keep up with.

4. There were no credit cards OR shopping centers.

5. He never had his dinner interrupted by window salesmen.

6. He got away with wearing a simple wardrobe.

7. He never had to shovel snow!

8. If he had gone bald, who would have known that wasnt normal.

9. There was no standard weight and height tables – and the word FAT meant good.

10. When God asked Adam, where are you? He replied, The woman you gave me was reading the map.