Old and New Jokes

Microsoft just invested $150 million in Apple stock. Why? We think the reasons are obvious:

Bill Gates found spare change in his trousers
First and last months rent on empty office space in Cupertino
Fee: Steve Jobs to give charisma lessons to Microsoft CEO
Two words: Rhapsody 98
Small price to pay for world domination
Bill to Larry: I own you now, too
Jobs and Woz threw in a signed Apple I as part of the deal
Best way to assure Gates a starring role in next Pixar animated feature
Easier than bribing entire Justice Department
Strategic move: Apple users now hate Jobs more than Gates

A village headman once noticed a sudden rise in the population of his village. To control it, he requested one of his rich relatives (who was an ardent swadeshi follower) to set up a condom factory near the village. It was done and very soon each unmarried adult male individual started getting condoms for free. But after two years the village headman was shocked to find that his villages population had doubled! After investigations the headman went straight to the relative and gave him a good dressing down saying Fool! Everything shouldnt be made of KHADI!

Two old ladies stood waiting for a bus when one pulls out a pack of condoms, cuts the end off one and puts it over her cigerette before lighting it.

Her friend seeing what she has done says What is that over your fag?

She replied Its a condom. I bought them the other day and whenever its raining I put one of these over my fag and it doesnt get wet.

Oh replied the friend Where can I get some of those?

Any chemist her friend replied you can get packs of 3, 6, or 12

The bus came and when they got to the town the second friend makes her way to the chemist to buy some condoms and asks the lady behind the till for some condoms.

Giving a little smirk the lady says and what size would you like thinking for a moment the old lady replies big enough to fit a camel please.

El médico se dirige a un tipo que estaba en la sala de espera:

Señor, le tengo una mala noticia: su madre, la que ayer se encontraba internada, ha…

No, esa no era mi madre, era mi suegra.

¡Ah, entonces le tengo una buena noticia!

McPherson walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

Scuse me, said another bar patron, who was puzzled over what McPherson had done. What was that all about?



Nothing, said the Irishman, my wife sent me out for a jar of olives.

Why was there 9 holes in the mirror?

The blonde tried to shoot herself.

Have you heard of the new all-black version of a Shakespearean comedy
called As You Likes It?

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

Oh, please excuse me! said the bunny. I didnt mean to trip over you, but Im blind and couldnt see you there.
Thats perfectly all right, replied the snake. It was MY fault. I didnt mean to trip you, but Im blind too, and I didnt see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?
Well, I really dont know, said the bunny. Since Im blind, Ive never seen myself. Perhaps you could examine me and then well both know?So the snake felt the bunny all over and said, Well, youre soft and cuddly; you have long silky ears, a fluffy little tail and a twitchy little nose … you must be a BUNNY RABBIT! [The little blind bunny was so pleased at this that he danced with joy.] The bunny said, I cant thank you enough. What kind of animal are you, sir?
The snake said he didnt know, for the same reason. The bunny agreed to examine him, and when he finished the snake asked, So, what kind of animal am I?
The bunny said, Youre hard, youre cold, youre slimy, and you havent got any balls — you must be a lawyer.

In Canada we have two Seasons…six months of winter and six months

of poor snowmobiling.