Old and New Jokes

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recuiting crisis affecting all of our armed services.

So, he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all elgible young men and women be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near an brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.

The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.

He looked at the first young man and asked, Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?

The young man looks at him and says, Im a pilot!

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it! The aide hustles the young man off.

The general looks at the second young man and asked, What skills to you bring to the Air Force?

The young man says, I chop wood!

Son, the general replies, We dont need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?

I chop wood!

Young man, huffs the general, You are not listening to me, we dont need wood choppers, this is the 21st century!

Well, the young man says, You hired my brother!

Of course we did, says the general, hes a pilot!

The young man rolls his eyes and says, Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, Lord, I have a problem!

Whats the problem, Eve? God asks her.

Lord, she says, I know youve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but Im just not happy.

Why is that, Eve? came the reply from above.

Lord, I am lonely. And Im sick to death of apples, she says.

Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you, the good Lord tells her.

Whats a man, Lord? she inquires.

This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, hell give you a hard time.

But, hell be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. Hell be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the love department.

Sounds great, says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

Yeah, well. Hes better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition.

Whats that, Lord? she asks.

Youll have to let him believe that I made him first!

Q: How do you make a blondes eyes twinkle?



A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog, are in a doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, Whoever can use the words liver and cheese, in the same sentence can have me.

So the Doberman says, I love liver and cheese.



The female Collie says, Thats not good enough.



The Bulldog says, I hate liver and cheese.



She says, Thats not creative.



Finally, the Taco Bell Chihuahua says, Liver alone — cheese mine.

Q: Why did cavemen drag their women back to the cave by the hair?

A: If they dragged them by the ankles, they would fill up with dirt!

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time. The Irishman replies, Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and Im here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that wed drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, I dont want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss. The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. Oh, no, he says, Everyones fine. Ive just quit drinking.

Sam and Bessie are in their 80s. Sam always wanted an expensive pair of alligator shoes. Seeing them on sale one day, he purchases them and comes home, asking Bessie, So, do you notice anything different about me?Whats different? Its the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants. Whats different?Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, just wearing the new shoes. Again, So, Bessie, do you notice anything different?Whats different, Sam? Its hanging down today; it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down tomorrow.Angrily Sam yells, Do you know why its hanging down? Cause its looking at my new shoes!Bessie replies, You should have bought a hat.

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, I dont feel like it, I just want you to hold me.

The husband says, WHAT??

The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She cant decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond ear rings.

The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out — but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says but you dont even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register.

The husband says, No, no, no, honey were not going to buy all this stuff. The wifes face goes blank. No honey – I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode and the Husband says, You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!

Thanx to John Hilbe.

While critiquing a survey instrument intended for mothers of infants less than one year old, I came across the following question:

Have you ever breast fed your baby? a) Yes…b) No…c) Dont know

Dont know? Huh?

Dr. Daves Dental-Chair Discovery: Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a simple yes or no answer.