Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer.

A duke is hunting in a forest with his men-at-arms and servants when he comes upon a tree. Archery targets are painted all over it, and smack in the middle of each is an arrow.

Who is this incredibly fine archer? cries the duke. I must find him.

After continuing through the forest for a few miles, he comes across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admits that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the centre of all the targets.

You didnt just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you? asks the duke worriedly.

No my lord. I shot them from 100 paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy.

That is truly astonishing, says the duke. I hereby admit you into my service. But I must ask one favour in return. You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot.

Well, said the boy, first I fire the arrow at the tree, and then I paint the target around it.

A white guy is being shipped off to Jamaica for a year with the army.

His fiance, Wendy, is really worried about her man being unfaithful, so she asks him to tattoo her name to his penis…He agrees, and does so.

When his penis isnt erect you can see the letters W and Y.

The woman feeling secure knowing that her name is tattooed on her mans penis says good-bye to her fiance and he leaves for Jamaica.

One day, while in Jamaica, the guy is at the urinal and a black Jamaican comes and stands at the urinal next to him… The white guy happens to notice that the Jamaican also has a tattoo on his penis and he could see the letters W and Y, so he says to the Jamaican, Wow, thats really interesting, I guess you have a girlfriend named Wendy too?

And the Jamaican looks at him with a puzzled look and then stretches out his penis and it says…

Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day!

A man dials his home and a strange woman answers.

The man says, Who is this?

This is the maid, answers the woman.

We dont have a maid, says the man.

The woman says, I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.

The man says, Well, this is her husband. Is she there?

The woman replies, She is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was her husband.

The man is fuming and says to the maid, Listen, would you like to make $50,000?

The maid says, What will I have to do?

The man tells her, I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk shes with.

The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.

The maid comes back to the phone

What do I do with the bodies?

The man says, Throw them in the swimming pool.

Puzzled, the maid answers, But you dont have a pool.

A long pause and the man says, Is this 567-5309?

A person receives a telegram informing about his mother-in-laws death.

It also enquires him whether she should be buried or cremated.

He replies, Dont take chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes!

A
man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving
him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening
drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through
what was left of his hair and he decided to open her
up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly
saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"Theres no way they can catch a Mercedes,"
he thought to himself and opened her up further. The
needle hit 90, 100…..Then the reality of the situation
hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and
pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without
a word and examined it and the car.
"Its been a long hard day, this is the end
of my shift and its Friday the 13th. I dont feel
like more paperwork, I dont need the frustration
or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good
excuse for your driving that I havent heard before,
you can go."
The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last
week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid
you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

John
Kerry meets with the Queen of England. He asks her,
"Your Majesty,

how do you run such an efficient government? Are there
any tips you can give

to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important
thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Kerry frowns. "But how do I know the people around
me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, thats easy.
You just ask them to

answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushes
a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair
in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"
The Queen smiles, "Answer me this, please, Tony.
Your mother and father have a child. It is not your

brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That
would be me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Kerry goes back home to ask John Edwards, his vice presidential
choice

the same question. "John. Answer this for me. Your
mother and your father have a child.

Its not your brother and its not your sister. Who
is it?"

"Im not sure," says John Edwards. "Let
me get back to you on that one." Edwards goes to
his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him
an answer. Finally, he ends up in the mens room and
recognizes Colin Powells shoes in the next stall. Edwards
shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your
mother and father have a child and its not your brother
or your sister.

Who is it?" Colin Powell yells back, "Thats
easy. Its me!" Edwards smiles, and says, "Thanks!"
Then, Edwards goes back to speak with Kerry. "Say,
I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle.
Its Colin Powell."

Kerry gets up, stomps over to John Edwards, and angrily
yells into his face, "No, you idiot! Its Tony
Blair!"

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says Youve got to come over here and help me with this killer jigsaw puzzle! I dont know how to get it started!! Her boyfriend asks Whats it supposed to be when its done? The blonde replies According to the box, its supposed to be a tiger.So her boyfriend comes over and the blonde shows him the puzzle spread all over the table. He examines the peices for a moment and then looks at the box and says First of all, I suggest you make a cup of strong coffee and then well put all these frosted flakes back in the box!

This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend.

I know this midget who wants to buy a horse. He has a slight speech impediment, so listen carefully, Im sending him over.

The Midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse.

A female horth, the midget replies. So the owner shows him one. Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth? So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horses mouth.

Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth? So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes. OK, what about the earsth?

Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears.

OK, finally, Id like to see her twat. With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horses twat, then pulls him out.

Shaking his head, the midget says, Perhapth I should rephrase. Id like to see her run!